Tonight I realized...
...he's gay. I can't believe I didn't see it before, but romantic love, I suppose, blinds one to a lot of things.
...my dreams are officially dust. It'll never work.
...I needed tonight so I could figure out where we are going. Or rather, where we are not going.
...in his own limited way, he cares about me. The Ellis book was incredibly thoughtful. The fact that he almost gave me The Stuff of Thought is even more thoughtful, and surprisingly insightful of him. And that makes me smile.
...just how much his father loves me. And how well I know his father.
...just how much I mean to the entire family. It's a little sad for all of us.
...that my life goes on. It really will. And it will go on without him.
...that he's really bad for me. He makes me feel bad. I might be able to eventually handle "just friends" (operative word being eventually) - but he's not a good friend to me.
...that there are parts of him I still want. And there are parts I used to love that now I want no part of.
...that my attraction to him is physical, but not sexual. That's still the case now. And that's still somehow difficult for me.
...I still need to be angry to prevent from being empathetic towards him. There are few I have empathy for, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and vulnerable.
...that he wrote "from" on the card at the very last minute. It was really tiny. He didn't know what to say.
...that he can only get close when I'm legitimately pulling away (literally and figuratively). That's just too bad.
...that it's not to be. I can't believe it, but it's really not to be. On paper, I'm EVERYTHING he wants, I'm EVERYTHING he needs. But I'm a woman. And he doesn't even realize that that, unto itself, is the problem. Poor me, his poor parents...but more than anyone? Poor him.
...my dreams are officially dust. It'll never work.
...I needed tonight so I could figure out where we are going. Or rather, where we are not going.
...in his own limited way, he cares about me. The Ellis book was incredibly thoughtful. The fact that he almost gave me The Stuff of Thought is even more thoughtful, and surprisingly insightful of him. And that makes me smile.
...just how much his father loves me. And how well I know his father.
...just how much I mean to the entire family. It's a little sad for all of us.
...that my life goes on. It really will. And it will go on without him.
...that he's really bad for me. He makes me feel bad. I might be able to eventually handle "just friends" (operative word being eventually) - but he's not a good friend to me.
...that there are parts of him I still want. And there are parts I used to love that now I want no part of.
...that my attraction to him is physical, but not sexual. That's still the case now. And that's still somehow difficult for me.
...I still need to be angry to prevent from being empathetic towards him. There are few I have empathy for, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and vulnerable.
...that he wrote "from" on the card at the very last minute. It was really tiny. He didn't know what to say.
...that he can only get close when I'm legitimately pulling away (literally and figuratively). That's just too bad.
...that it's not to be. I can't believe it, but it's really not to be. On paper, I'm EVERYTHING he wants, I'm EVERYTHING he needs. But I'm a woman. And he doesn't even realize that that, unto itself, is the problem. Poor me, his poor parents...but more than anyone? Poor him.