"What I gave is yours to keep in white houses"
I lost a best friend, and I thought that was impossible. I didn't actually LOSE her, I know exactly where she is, I just don't know who she is. I thought that no matter time, distance, or growth we would ALWAYS connect, and we would always be best friends forever. I know it's cheezy as hell, and I know it's common for friends to come and go, but not this one. We've seen eachother thru alot ALOT of shit. More than anyone else has, and probably will. I never thought I would be closer to any one person aside from family and mabye a husband. We were supposed to get a cute little apartment together after college in the city, and throw classy parties with Cosmopolitians and Margaritas until our DEVISTATINGLY handsome fiance's finally decided to live with us, and we were supposed to be in each other's wedding and we were supposed to laugh till our bellies hurt at age 85. We were supposed to help raise one another's kids, and help support each other's careers. She defined my high school expierence. She knows everything and I mean EVERY little THING about me, and everything I've seen, and everything I've been through. And I know all of her. We were together everyday over the summer, fought like sisters, but loved each other deeper than blood. If we weren't together or talking to one another on the phone, there was a reason, and we would be seeing each other after. She knows every date, every tear, every outfit, every job, every fight, every stress, every grade, every boyfriend, every hook-up, every flaw and we had this unspoken understanding. I knew exactly how she would feel about something before asking, I knew what mood she was in by her "hello", or her face. We were inside eachother's heads and we were inseperable. I would always go over her house after getting out of work, just cuz I missed her (if we wern't already visiting one another's work.) I would sleep over her house everynight, just cause, and we shared her little full-size bed even in the hot summer heat. It was no joke, she was basically my girlfriend- and all my boyfriends came to the realization that they could only hope to come in second. And I love her, and of couse I always will, but we're just not friends right now. And I wonder if this is how it is. I don't know her anymore. How did that happen? It was so slow yet so quick. I know I know I know I sound like an idiot, because everyone goes through this in college with their freinds because people change, yada yada- life goes on. But it's just different. It's just not ok. And I pretend that I want it that way, and it's just fine, because I can't admit how much it really tears me up in fear that I'll go insane. She was my other half. For Real. I am only 50% of what I once was, and I feel it everyday.
All that being said, I feel guilty for being so happy latley. I love my life, I love my roomates/friends, I love my boyfriend, my family and I are doing better ( not perfect, but better), and I'm at one of the most stable, successful and satisfied points of my life thus far. I love everyday and everything in it, but I feel that void. It's like breaking up with that boyfriend that you thought you were going to marry only WORSE, because girls know that you put a little more faith and commitment into a friendship than you ever do with a man. You can ALWAYS count on your best friend, relationships can be good one day, and go to hell the next. So I invested my everything into her, became dependant and here we are. I don't know. I just wonder when, how, why this all came to be. She'll always be a part of me, and she'll always be "my best friend". I don't think I could give that title to anyone else. But she's just missing now. :( It's really sad, actually, and I don't know where to go from here.
All that being said, I feel guilty for being so happy latley. I love my life, I love my roomates/friends, I love my boyfriend, my family and I are doing better ( not perfect, but better), and I'm at one of the most stable, successful and satisfied points of my life thus far. I love everyday and everything in it, but I feel that void. It's like breaking up with that boyfriend that you thought you were going to marry only WORSE, because girls know that you put a little more faith and commitment into a friendship than you ever do with a man. You can ALWAYS count on your best friend, relationships can be good one day, and go to hell the next. So I invested my everything into her, became dependant and here we are. I don't know. I just wonder when, how, why this all came to be. She'll always be a part of me, and she'll always be "my best friend". I don't think I could give that title to anyone else. But she's just missing now. :( It's really sad, actually, and I don't know where to go from here.