“I’m about to tell you a story. You already know the beginning and it has no end.”
At the moment, everyone I deal with seems depressed or at least vaguely dissatisfied with life and I’ve taken it upon myself, at least in the context of this space to cheer you up. Here I go.
Umm
Hmm...
Ummmmmmm
......Well, if you’re reading this, you’re literate, you’re not dead, and you at least have enough money to afford internet access.
In recent news, Austin, Drew and I are finally officially approved for our apartment at Berkshire. The housewarming/my birthday party is going to be April 1st, 2006 A.D. at around 11 PM. Call me or be at the Warren at around 10:30 if you need directions. You don’t have to buy us a housewarming gift to come, but we’ll take whatever you give us.
(If you plan on passing out there I would recommend bringing a sleeping bag or something, because we will have little to nothing moved in by then.)
Normally, I’d make a joke here about everyone reading this can come unless I secretly hate you. However, this time I’m making an exception: Everyone that is reading this can come even if I secretly, or even outright, hate you. Not only that, if you hate me, you can still come. It’s already going to be outrageous so we might as well go all out. Hell, maybe I should go to the prison and break a few murderers and rapists out and they can come too.
[Edit: I thought it was obvious that I was being sarcastic and that whole paragraph was a literary device, but I guess not, so I'll clarify it here....If I hate you, don't come. Thanks.]
Something you may not know about me is that I’ve never moved before, let alone moved out on my own. I’ve lived in this same house, in this same room, my entire life. While packing I’ve found stuff that I completely forgot existed….A note from a girl whose name I wont mention, a short story I wrote dated August of 2000 that is basically terrible (which ironically, is a love story. Whoever says history isn’t patterned is an idiot.)
I don’t know what to do with any of this stuff. I should just throw it all away, for the same reason I own about five pictures and don’t own a camera, because I believe that anything that’s important to me I’ll remember and if I forget it it must not be significant (unfortunately, this also applies to things I don’t want to remember). But I havent thrown any of this away yet, maybe I’m a closet sentimentalist after all.
[Edit 2: Because Drew isnt done with school until May, and Austin doesn't have to move out until the 15th, I basically have a 3-bedroom apartment to myself for two weeks. So I guess if you need somewhere to spend the night, or you're hiding from the Guatemalan authorities too, call me.]
Five Things I Wondered While Fleeing Guatemalan Authorities:
I hate when people tell me very explicit, detailed sexual encounters they’ve had when it involves two people I know (or three, or four, or more I suppose?). Not because of the ‘too much information factor’, I think people being completely candid about sex is funny as hell, the part that bothers me is the subsequent visualizations I have of whatever the person told me. And if I know both people involved, there will most certainly be an instance later where I’m in the room with both of them….And I’ll start to visualize it, and then my very active imagination will take over. I’ll start to make up things they said, facial expressions during sex, various post-coital activites and conversations...What their kids would look like, if they got married would I be a groomsmen…Ya know, completely normal stuff. (Can I have this information removed from my brain? Is there a pill I can take?)
Dear Rumor Mill,
Please stop making up things that I’ve said and done and circulating them to the masses. There’s plenty that I’ve said and done that is inappropriate or wrong, so there really isnt a need to go and falsify things. Okay? Thanks.
Blame this on Aquamarine but…How, exactly, do mermaids have sex?
According to the Warped Tour website, Alexisonfire is on the tour. If that is the case, there is no way I'm not driving up to the Kansas City show on June 19th, because like hell they'll be anywhere near Kansas again for a long time. I say a whole bunch of us rent a van and drive up there, because the warped tour is the shit anyway, and even if Alexis isn't on the tour I'd still like to see a number of the bands on it. Thursday, Every Time I Die, The Bled, AFI, From First To Last, and Underoath, to name a few.
I’m not a very goal oriented person. I’m more task-oriented, mainly; I think having ultra-specific goals disrupts introspective, empirical thinking. You become so attached to a pre-conceived notion of what you should accomplish that you ignore other, perhaps better, opportunities. However, I too am guilty of this sometimes as I have a few ultra specific ambitions. Here are my life goals, in no specific order:
1. Write the saddest love story ever written (working on it).
2. Travel the world (vague and cliché, deal with it.)
3. Have sex in a moonbounce
(I don't really have anything to add to this. I'm just going to let that sit there on the page.)
I forgot to put this in the last one. Rose had me write a letter of recommendation for a school project of her’s. She said that it didn’t really matter what I wrote, as long as I said good things about her. That essentially, I could make up whatever I wanted.
If you know me at all, you know the direction this went.
If there’s a lesson to be learned from this it’s that you should never, ever tell me I can write something about you and completely fabricate everything in it.
"To Whom It May Concern,
Hello, my name is Dennis Russell, I met Rose McFadden in the summer of 1961, it’s actually quite the interesting story. We were doing routine maintenance on the Panama Canal that was required yearly to keep the waterway in operational shape. We were working on the Channel Deepening Project, a project designed to augment the Canal's total water reservoir volume, which includes Gatun and Alhajuela or Madden Lakes, by 25 percent. This project allowed for a more efficient draft administration and will reduce the impact of water shortages on shipping during periodic droughts and climactic phenomena like El Niño. It was tiring, thankless work. While digging near Lake Gatun, I noticed that one individual had dug up quite a bit more earth than any other of the laborers in our group. Whoever this was, she had dug a hole nearly seven feet deep in under 28 minutes. I approached her and asked who she was and how she had possibly done that. She answered that her name was Rose, and that her great grandfather had invented the shovel, and ever since her family had a long and nearly legendary history of digging incredibly well. After hearing this, I asked a number of questions. Did her family still own the patent for the shovel? If not, what happened? How come she had to be digging here instead of making piles of money on this invention? While I’m sure I was annoying, Rose was very friendly during all of my inquires. Not only was she friendly and extremely cordial, she continued to work more effectively than any other members of the unit. Not only was she a hard worker and friendly, but I could tell she was well read and intelligent as well. I was immediately impressed with her seemingly limitless understanding of astrophysics. She informed me that a group of astronomers has found the most stable known "clock" in the universe -- a 400-million-year-old white dwarf star designated G117-B15A, located in the constellation Leo Minor. Its pulses of light appear so stable they lose just one second every nine million years, a frequency that might as well be perfection. Overall the work was grueling, but it was an experience I will never ever forget. Oh, and we also worked at a movie theater for a year, where I was a staff instructor and she was on the floor staff. She is always on time, reliable, and fun to work with. I can honestly say that with her work ethic and demeanor that I would give her my highest recommendation for any job or project that was offered to her. Except for maybe neurosurgeon, as I don't think she's qualified for that.
Dennis Russell, Staff Instructor"
Umm
Hmm...
Ummmmmmm
......Well, if you’re reading this, you’re literate, you’re not dead, and you at least have enough money to afford internet access.
In recent news, Austin, Drew and I are finally officially approved for our apartment at Berkshire. The housewarming/my birthday party is going to be April 1st, 2006 A.D. at around 11 PM. Call me or be at the Warren at around 10:30 if you need directions. You don’t have to buy us a housewarming gift to come, but we’ll take whatever you give us.
(If you plan on passing out there I would recommend bringing a sleeping bag or something, because we will have little to nothing moved in by then.)
Normally, I’d make a joke here about everyone reading this can come unless I secretly hate you. However, this time I’m making an exception: Everyone that is reading this can come even if I secretly, or even outright, hate you. Not only that, if you hate me, you can still come. It’s already going to be outrageous so we might as well go all out. Hell, maybe I should go to the prison and break a few murderers and rapists out and they can come too.
[Edit: I thought it was obvious that I was being sarcastic and that whole paragraph was a literary device, but I guess not, so I'll clarify it here....If I hate you, don't come. Thanks.]
Something you may not know about me is that I’ve never moved before, let alone moved out on my own. I’ve lived in this same house, in this same room, my entire life. While packing I’ve found stuff that I completely forgot existed….A note from a girl whose name I wont mention, a short story I wrote dated August of 2000 that is basically terrible (which ironically, is a love story. Whoever says history isn’t patterned is an idiot.)
I don’t know what to do with any of this stuff. I should just throw it all away, for the same reason I own about five pictures and don’t own a camera, because I believe that anything that’s important to me I’ll remember and if I forget it it must not be significant (unfortunately, this also applies to things I don’t want to remember). But I havent thrown any of this away yet, maybe I’m a closet sentimentalist after all.
[Edit 2: Because Drew isnt done with school until May, and Austin doesn't have to move out until the 15th, I basically have a 3-bedroom apartment to myself for two weeks. So I guess if you need somewhere to spend the night, or you're hiding from the Guatemalan authorities too, call me.]
Five Things I Wondered While Fleeing Guatemalan Authorities:
I hate when people tell me very explicit, detailed sexual encounters they’ve had when it involves two people I know (or three, or four, or more I suppose?). Not because of the ‘too much information factor’, I think people being completely candid about sex is funny as hell, the part that bothers me is the subsequent visualizations I have of whatever the person told me. And if I know both people involved, there will most certainly be an instance later where I’m in the room with both of them….And I’ll start to visualize it, and then my very active imagination will take over. I’ll start to make up things they said, facial expressions during sex, various post-coital activites and conversations...What their kids would look like, if they got married would I be a groomsmen…Ya know, completely normal stuff. (Can I have this information removed from my brain? Is there a pill I can take?)
Dear Rumor Mill,
Please stop making up things that I’ve said and done and circulating them to the masses. There’s plenty that I’ve said and done that is inappropriate or wrong, so there really isnt a need to go and falsify things. Okay? Thanks.
Blame this on Aquamarine but…How, exactly, do mermaids have sex?
According to the Warped Tour website, Alexisonfire is on the tour. If that is the case, there is no way I'm not driving up to the Kansas City show on June 19th, because like hell they'll be anywhere near Kansas again for a long time. I say a whole bunch of us rent a van and drive up there, because the warped tour is the shit anyway, and even if Alexis isn't on the tour I'd still like to see a number of the bands on it. Thursday, Every Time I Die, The Bled, AFI, From First To Last, and Underoath, to name a few.
I’m not a very goal oriented person. I’m more task-oriented, mainly; I think having ultra-specific goals disrupts introspective, empirical thinking. You become so attached to a pre-conceived notion of what you should accomplish that you ignore other, perhaps better, opportunities. However, I too am guilty of this sometimes as I have a few ultra specific ambitions. Here are my life goals, in no specific order:
1. Write the saddest love story ever written (working on it).
2. Travel the world (vague and cliché, deal with it.)
3. Have sex in a moonbounce
(I don't really have anything to add to this. I'm just going to let that sit there on the page.)
I forgot to put this in the last one. Rose had me write a letter of recommendation for a school project of her’s. She said that it didn’t really matter what I wrote, as long as I said good things about her. That essentially, I could make up whatever I wanted.
If you know me at all, you know the direction this went.
If there’s a lesson to be learned from this it’s that you should never, ever tell me I can write something about you and completely fabricate everything in it.
"To Whom It May Concern,
Hello, my name is Dennis Russell, I met Rose McFadden in the summer of 1961, it’s actually quite the interesting story. We were doing routine maintenance on the Panama Canal that was required yearly to keep the waterway in operational shape. We were working on the Channel Deepening Project, a project designed to augment the Canal's total water reservoir volume, which includes Gatun and Alhajuela or Madden Lakes, by 25 percent. This project allowed for a more efficient draft administration and will reduce the impact of water shortages on shipping during periodic droughts and climactic phenomena like El Niño. It was tiring, thankless work. While digging near Lake Gatun, I noticed that one individual had dug up quite a bit more earth than any other of the laborers in our group. Whoever this was, she had dug a hole nearly seven feet deep in under 28 minutes. I approached her and asked who she was and how she had possibly done that. She answered that her name was Rose, and that her great grandfather had invented the shovel, and ever since her family had a long and nearly legendary history of digging incredibly well. After hearing this, I asked a number of questions. Did her family still own the patent for the shovel? If not, what happened? How come she had to be digging here instead of making piles of money on this invention? While I’m sure I was annoying, Rose was very friendly during all of my inquires. Not only was she friendly and extremely cordial, she continued to work more effectively than any other members of the unit. Not only was she a hard worker and friendly, but I could tell she was well read and intelligent as well. I was immediately impressed with her seemingly limitless understanding of astrophysics. She informed me that a group of astronomers has found the most stable known "clock" in the universe -- a 400-million-year-old white dwarf star designated G117-B15A, located in the constellation Leo Minor. Its pulses of light appear so stable they lose just one second every nine million years, a frequency that might as well be perfection. Overall the work was grueling, but it was an experience I will never ever forget. Oh, and we also worked at a movie theater for a year, where I was a staff instructor and she was on the floor staff. She is always on time, reliable, and fun to work with. I can honestly say that with her work ethic and demeanor that I would give her my highest recommendation for any job or project that was offered to her. Except for maybe neurosurgeon, as I don't think she's qualified for that.
Dennis Russell, Staff Instructor"