My amusement...
Since i was a little girl i have been abused. Physically and emotionally. So feeling the way i do right now... we are just gunna have this little chat. I have been pushed around, picked on, bullied, hated, loved, and hurt all my life. I have been the leader and the loser. Dont think you know me because you dont. I'm not trying to say i'm better than anyone because of any of this, i just feel like i understand things better. I look at things from every angle of every situation. I feel so much emotion about everything but without showing it. I hate the fact that i have such trouble getting all of this out. I hate that i cant express it all more often! Have i taught myself to hold it back so much that its to the point i cant get it out at all anymore?! All i know is to keep it to myself? That cant be right.. but i'm afraid it might be. It aggrivates me to the point of giving up... and i usually do. I have had numerous journals since i was young and all of them get put away after just a few entries. When i want to talk about shit i just sound like a rambling fool. On occasion thoe, i feel i get things out perfectly. I dont even know what it is that i am trying to say anymore. I have so much built up inside i just want to cry and get it all out, even if i would just be talking to MYSELF. This is such bull shit! I find myself hating ME more and more as the minututes fly by and its gets earlier and earlier in the morning. Sitting here being mad at myslef was the last thing i was expecting when i said to myself that i should update this journal. This is here to help me get things out and make me feel better... not make things worse. Whatever. Whatever? omg i hate that word! Why the fuck do i say it so much! Actually why does anyone say it?! I absolutly hate that word. I am going to never say it again. If u ever hear me say that word, say something to me! For real! I should really get to bed. I need to get up early. But layin in my bed just isnt something i do very well anymore. I find myself thinking about things i could be doing. But by saying that... what is it that i think about that i could be doing? THIS? I should do homework, but i dont think about that. I should be thinking about how i could help around the house more but no... i think about myself and only things i enjoy. But i am a teenager. I am allowed to think about that shit right? I mean y cant i allow myself to have fun?! I know my limits. If something HAD to get done i would do it. Wouldnt i....? At what point in time is it time to act all "grown up" becuase now-a-days there really isnt such a thing as acting one certain way such as "grown-up". I mean sterio-types are so0o0o not even something we worry that much or talk about today. At least i dont see it, and i dont think so. Now everyone is worried about getting their point accross and heard. Everyone is worried about what people think about them while making it seem as thoe they dont care at all. I argue to much about things to myself. I am gunna look into getting into a debate class. This entry is stupid. Good Night.