Sigh

[victicious]

I'm having a nervous breakdown tonight. Everything is too much for me to take in right now. I feel so self-absorbed, so incapable of truely loving, and I hate this more than anything. I feel so silent, so passive, when inside there is always so much going on. Well not always, sometimes I'm also just *blank* completely. What the crap is wrong with me? I HATE this. Why don't I express my true inner self to ANYONE? Even when I'm alone, do I have a true inner self? I feel paralyzed, like I can't get ME out, although I want to more than anything. I took the little test a few years ago and I am a perfect split between Sanguine and Melancholy, an extremely rare walking contradiction, with a little phlegmatic on the side, and I so am. I hate everything about my reclusive side, I wish I could just destroy it. I know this is a temporary state of mind when all of the bad things about myself and about reality are standing out more than the good, and I am sleep deprived 7x over, and at the end of my rubberband, so I'm trying not to loose perspective too bad, although i feel horrible right now.. I bawled tonight for an hour, the first time in years I've let myself go like that. So nice to just cry. I havent felt this way for a long time, although I havent acknowledged and dealt with these small things that have been lingering along forever.. I'll see myself holding back, or overextending myself, or not expressing some deep thing that's stirring inside me, and I'll know something is wrong but just not know how to deal with it.. ultimately this all makes me feel very alone. And when I look at my wonderful life, alone is the last thing I should feel, which is why I hate these things so much.

I do know that I am finally leaving this place of stagnance though, I mean shoot, I am changing intensely every single day, it's awesome.. I'm just facing alot of things tonight about myself I hadn't slowed down enough to face. This is hard and I'm hurting. Please pray for me