(no subject)
Hi again. I know it's been a long time since I updated, but isn't it always.
I suppose I should start with Christmas. Mostly the same as all other Christmases, apart from my arguing with my mother. She seemed to be picking a fight with me. Everything I did was wrong and even the things I didn't do were wrong. It was Christmas I just wanted a nice calm day with my family, but what was I expecting, I mean really. Saying that, I had a good time with Ashley and Connor. We stayed up late playing Micro Machines and asking each other what colour their hat was. And I got some nice presents.
Moving onto New Years. The normal piss up with friends. (Any excuse to get drunk.) There was a slight incident with a friend and her boyfriend at the time. She felt he was ignoring her because he was stoned out of his head. He also told me, basically that I was wrong to believe what I do because it's all shite. Or words to that effect. I also sent a drunken text to my Mother. She sent me a "Happy New Year" and I replied with a "Like you give a damn about me at all." Since then, she has been a lot nicer to me. Taking me out shopping, showing me some self-helping techniques and actually appearing to care.
Quickly returning to my beliefs, I didn't tell you about Yule. Stu and I had a banquette. It was amazing, expensive and too much. It fed us for days. But the food was cooked perfectly, we ate and were merry. We gave thanks for the food we had and left an offering outside when we were done. It was nice to be able to practice my faith a celebrate a festival that means something to me without being patronized or ostracized.
Now I want to touch on girls. Or girl to be more precise. I, like most people have an outline of what they would like their partners to look like. I'm not majorly picky though. Anyway, so it was Stu's birthday. And some people from Weymouth were invited. Some I knew, some I didn't. The people I didn't know included Dan, Joe and his girlfriend Lauren. I saw her and if we were in a cheesy romance movie, doves would fly and angels would sing. She is perfect. I couldn't stop looking at her all night. We played a drinking game (Ring of Fire) and by the end of that we were all substantially drunk. So I lept on my chance and made out with her. Then pushed her to the ground carefully and started to touch her up a bit. *Embarrassed* I couldn't help myself, I was drunk and blah blah blah. Anyway. Her boyfriend wasn't particularly happy about this. Strange, I know. So they where arguing a little bit and he said he was breaking up with her. He did as well... briefly. I'm not sure how long it was exactly but if you ask me, it wasn't long enough to actually call it a break up. In conclusion, I have fallen for a straight chick, and a straight chick who has a boyfriend at that! So, I'm trying to be a good friend to her in stead. Which is difficult considering the fact that she lives in Weymouth. *Sigh*
Still no job, no money, sometimes no food. I cope. Kind of. I've been a little manic lately. Huge mood sings. I go from bored to angry that I'm bored then I usually break something and get upset and start crying because I feel bad for breaking it. Then I start to laugh, it was only something small, why am I crying over it? God, I'm so stupid to be crying over something so insignificant! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Insignificant!... I'm so pathetic, sat in tears on the floor. This is silly going in circles like this. Lol. I'm so weird. Et cetera. Anger, Tears, Laughter. About 10-20 times a day. Ridiculous, no? The other day I lashed out a friend. Threw my phone at him, got him in the eye. Bruised him. I didn't even realise I was angry until the phone had hit him. Then the anger hit me hard. Then I quickly realised what I had just done and burst into tears.
I'm sleeping a little better now though. There's still a lot that keeps me stressed and worried but I tend to sleep at least 5 hours a night, which is better than not sleeping at all. Concentration is difficult to maintain though. I wrote this entry in three parts because I couldn't focus on what I was doing. Which also means I haven't been writing much either. In fact I haven't written for months. That's rather depressing.
I started a vlog on youtube though. There's only one up there so far though. The sound quality is awful, so I've been trying to find a way to make it better without having to spend money I don't have. The only way it seems possible at the moment is to wear this headset that Connor lent to me. But I look ridiculous. Lol.
My longing for a baby has increased. The only reason I don't have one is because I wont allow myself to have a baby I can't afford to keep. That's just cruel.
I think I'm done.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX
You are loved.
I suppose I should start with Christmas. Mostly the same as all other Christmases, apart from my arguing with my mother. She seemed to be picking a fight with me. Everything I did was wrong and even the things I didn't do were wrong. It was Christmas I just wanted a nice calm day with my family, but what was I expecting, I mean really. Saying that, I had a good time with Ashley and Connor. We stayed up late playing Micro Machines and asking each other what colour their hat was. And I got some nice presents.
Moving onto New Years. The normal piss up with friends. (Any excuse to get drunk.) There was a slight incident with a friend and her boyfriend at the time. She felt he was ignoring her because he was stoned out of his head. He also told me, basically that I was wrong to believe what I do because it's all shite. Or words to that effect. I also sent a drunken text to my Mother. She sent me a "Happy New Year" and I replied with a "Like you give a damn about me at all." Since then, she has been a lot nicer to me. Taking me out shopping, showing me some self-helping techniques and actually appearing to care.
Quickly returning to my beliefs, I didn't tell you about Yule. Stu and I had a banquette. It was amazing, expensive and too much. It fed us for days. But the food was cooked perfectly, we ate and were merry. We gave thanks for the food we had and left an offering outside when we were done. It was nice to be able to practice my faith a celebrate a festival that means something to me without being patronized or ostracized.
Now I want to touch on girls. Or girl to be more precise. I, like most people have an outline of what they would like their partners to look like. I'm not majorly picky though. Anyway, so it was Stu's birthday. And some people from Weymouth were invited. Some I knew, some I didn't. The people I didn't know included Dan, Joe and his girlfriend Lauren. I saw her and if we were in a cheesy romance movie, doves would fly and angels would sing. She is perfect. I couldn't stop looking at her all night. We played a drinking game (Ring of Fire) and by the end of that we were all substantially drunk. So I lept on my chance and made out with her. Then pushed her to the ground carefully and started to touch her up a bit. *Embarrassed* I couldn't help myself, I was drunk and blah blah blah. Anyway. Her boyfriend wasn't particularly happy about this. Strange, I know. So they where arguing a little bit and he said he was breaking up with her. He did as well... briefly. I'm not sure how long it was exactly but if you ask me, it wasn't long enough to actually call it a break up. In conclusion, I have fallen for a straight chick, and a straight chick who has a boyfriend at that! So, I'm trying to be a good friend to her in stead. Which is difficult considering the fact that she lives in Weymouth. *Sigh*
Still no job, no money, sometimes no food. I cope. Kind of. I've been a little manic lately. Huge mood sings. I go from bored to angry that I'm bored then I usually break something and get upset and start crying because I feel bad for breaking it. Then I start to laugh, it was only something small, why am I crying over it? God, I'm so stupid to be crying over something so insignificant! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Insignificant!... I'm so pathetic, sat in tears on the floor. This is silly going in circles like this. Lol. I'm so weird. Et cetera. Anger, Tears, Laughter. About 10-20 times a day. Ridiculous, no? The other day I lashed out a friend. Threw my phone at him, got him in the eye. Bruised him. I didn't even realise I was angry until the phone had hit him. Then the anger hit me hard. Then I quickly realised what I had just done and burst into tears.
I'm sleeping a little better now though. There's still a lot that keeps me stressed and worried but I tend to sleep at least 5 hours a night, which is better than not sleeping at all. Concentration is difficult to maintain though. I wrote this entry in three parts because I couldn't focus on what I was doing. Which also means I haven't been writing much either. In fact I haven't written for months. That's rather depressing.
I started a vlog on youtube though. There's only one up there so far though. The sound quality is awful, so I've been trying to find a way to make it better without having to spend money I don't have. The only way it seems possible at the moment is to wear this headset that Connor lent to me. But I look ridiculous. Lol.
My longing for a baby has increased. The only reason I don't have one is because I wont allow myself to have a baby I can't afford to keep. That's just cruel.
I think I'm done.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX
You are loved.