Declaration, ch. 9
Title: Declaration
Summary: The Uchiha have always been known for their unfaltering perception. But Sasuke never completed his training with other Uchihas and anyway, with Naruto saying "I love you" left and right, he can surely be forgiven for misunderstanding... right?
Chapter: 9/10 -Realization
Chapter Eight: Abnegation
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Chapter Nine: Realization
Sasuke found himself justifying his feelings wildly to himself, much in the same way he had after Naruto had hugged him. It wasn't anything wrong, or weird, he told himself. He'd just gotten used to Naruto's confessions; that was all. They had been going on for some time, after all. It wasn't like Sasuke was counting on them, or anything. He didn't look forward to hearing Naruto say he loved Sasuke practically every day. It was just… expected, now, and so of course it threw him to not hear any confessions.
But really, Sasuke had specifically asked Naruto to stop telling him such things. It would be really hypocritical of him to turn around and be upset at not hearing them anymore - not that he was upset, he just found it a little disconcerting! Obviously he wouldn't like the sensation of waiting for something and never receiving it, no matter what the something in question was. If he ordered a meal at a restaurant and it never came, Sasuke would have been irritated too, regardless of whether he actually was hungry or not. Just to reiterate: it wasn't like Sasuke actually wanted to hear Naruto say those three words again.
…Except he really, truly did.
Sasuke typically was a master of ignoring issues he didn't want to deal with, but that skill somehow didn't extend far enough for him to successfully fool himself this time. Much as he wanted to deny it, he had enjoyed Naruto's confessions when they had been coming, and he really did miss them now that they were gone. The truth was, even given the way Sasuke had worked himself up into a panic about how to react to the confessions, it had felt good to know that he was loved so much. He'd been kind of flattered, even. And now - well, he'd just gotten spoiled. Normal people didn't receive love confessions on such a frequent basis, regardless of what sort of relationships they might have. Even if no one was telling him constantly, that didn't mean no one loved Sasuke anymore.
…Even if Naruto wasn't telling him, that didn't mean he'd stopped loving Sasuke.
Oddly enough, it was this small, simple thought that eventually ended up calming Sasuke enough to finally fall asleep, heart still thumping a little too hard from his inner panic.
Naruto still loved him. Of course he did. Naruto was too stubborn to stop loving him over such a little thing; he definitely still loved Sasuke whether he was saying so or not.
Naruto loved him.
---
…Did Naruto love him?
Sasuke felt like an idiot - a sensation he was experiencing altogether too much these days. When he had gone to sleep, it had all seemed so simple: Naruto loved him, of course he did.
But as soon as he woke up, Sasuke's analytical brain started poking holes through that comforting certainty. No matter how stubborn Naruto was, there was virtually no chance he could love Sasuke anymore, not after the way Sasuke had been treating him.
Sasuke went about his morning routine in a daze, mentally reviewing his behaviour since the first confession, trying to look at it from Naruto's point of view. He didn't know when or why Naruto had developed such feelings in the first place, but… Wave might have had something to do with why he'd worked up the courage to confess them in the first place. Sasuke had to admit that if the person he had a crush on had suddenly died (or seemed to die) to save him, he would feel a bit more confident about letting them know his feelings.
So, Naruto had confessed. And… well, even if he had been a little more sure of himself, he did still know Sasuke very well, and it was clear that he still would have been nervous about his reception based on that factor alone, let alone the fears he must have had about his status as the Kyuubi's jailer. Given Naruto's personality… and given the way Sasuke had reacted (a fireball, a punch, steadfastly ignoring each new confession for the longest time) maybe Naruto had been right to go the road he had in treating his confessions like a prank. It had to make Sasuke's nonverbal rejections easier to accept - they weren't serious after all, because the whole thing was just a prank anyway, nothing to get upset over.
And in fact Naruto had shown no sign of intending to deviate from his joking, pranking style of confessions. He hadn't been asking Sasuke for anything. Even if he hadn't been giving up, it wasn't like he was trying terribly hard, either. That attitude was quintessentially Naruto - making a joke out of anything that mattered too much.
If Sasuke hadn't lashed out at Naruto and then discovered his secret, things on Naruto's end probably wouldn't ever have changed. He would have kept up the act of asking Sakura out, would have kept confessing to Sasuke, would have kept smiling and playing the fool and not acknowledging his own feelings as truly important. The thought made Sasuke's stomach clench up.
But then, Sasuke had learned about the Kyuubi. That must have been a scary time for Naruto - his best friend, his crush had discovered his secret, and by all signs had reacted exactly the way Naruto most feared people reacting. Sasuke's visit to Naruto's flat, and his casual acceptance of the matter must have been …simply unbelievable. No wonder Naruto had hugged him.
And no wonder Naruto had, after that, gained enough confidence to face his feelings head on. He'd told Sasuke how he felt - honestly, without pretense. And (although Sasuke hadn't interpreted the scene this way at the time) without even asking anything in return. Naruto had probably known by then that Sasuke didn't feel the same way about him. But he'd wanted to honestly convey his own feelings regardless, and so he'd trusted Sasuke with his feelings, as well as with his secret.
Those two things might very well be what Naruto held dearest in all the world - and what had Sasuke done with them? He'd distanced himself from Naruto for days… and then he had delivered a needlessly harsh rejection, and had even (for a moment) led Naruto to believe he had leaked the secret of the Kyuubi too.
And yet, despite all of that, Naruto hadn't stopped being Sasuke's friend. Sasuke would have. If someone he trusted and loved had stepped all over his emotions in such a way, he would have broken the relationship then and there. He would have hated them, not sparred with them the very next day.
Naruto had been forgiving of him, almost impossibly so, and Sasuke's insides shriveled up horribly at this realization. Could he really expect such forgiveness to extend to the point that Naruto still loved him despite everything?
There was no way, Sasuke concluded regretfully. Not even Naruto could possibly value a bond that unconditionally.
Naruto didn't love him anymore.
---
Sasuke didn't make a big deal out of it. Of course he didn't. It would be beyond unreasonable to do so. Just because Naruto didn't love him anymore, that didn't mean anything had to change. It was clear from the way he was behaving that Naruto, while perhaps no longer romantically interested in Sasuke, did still value their friendship. That was fine by Sasuke. That was the way it should be.
And, okay, fine. He admitted it (to himself and no one else). In some weird, demented way, Sasuke had actually sometimes sort of enjoyed being loved by Naruto, and missed it a little, even now. But that was only because Sasuke had a very screwed-up history when it came to love, and had become accustomed to receiving Naruto's. And, just like Naruto, Sasuke really did value their friendship. He wasn't going to compromise it now, not when the current situation was basically all his fault anyway. No, Sasuke was going to value Naruto as a friend, and Naruto was going to be his friend right back, and there would be nothing else to it. And that wouldn't bother Sasuke at all, because he couldn't let it bother him - to do so would be absolutely despicable of him, and cruel to Naruto all over again.
Basically, Sasuke was sick of feeling guilty and sentimental, and vowed to himself that he would just selectively forget anything and everything relating to Naruto ever loving him. He was pretty good at ignoring things he didn't like; this wouldn't be hard at all, easy even.
And - aside from the constant twisting ache in his gut whenever Naruto got too close, or too far, or too quiet, or smiled too widely, or looked too serious, or took off his shirt, or didn't say 'I love you' - it was. Sasuke eased off on the over-friendliness born of his guilt, and things began to settle back to normal. It was just like before, really, except for Sasuke and Naruto being a little more openly friendly. Even the discomfort Sasuke felt around Naruto was fading, bit by bit. Life was… if not good quite yet, then certainly getting there.
So of course Kakashi had to ruin it all.
---
For once, it didn't seem to be on purpose. In fact, this time Kakashi's actions were actually those of a responsible sensei, for probably the first time since he'd allowed Team Seven to pass the bell test. Not that this meant Sasuke forgave him. No, he was even angrier at Kakashi for that very reason - if only Kakashi had been acting like a responsible sensei all along, they wouldn't even be in this mess. But no, of course Kakashi had to put off teaching his students anything useful until doing so would wreak absolute havoc on Sasuke's personal life. That was just typical of him.
It all started with Kakashi's proclamation, one sunny afternoon (moments after the man arrived, though he'd instructed his students to meet him at nine in the morning), that it was time he start doing more individual, focused training with them.
Naruto, halfway through his usual greeting shout, switched tacks instantly: "That's a li- really? What do I get to learn? Is it a super-cool A-class jutsu? I want to know how to -"
Sasuke tuned the babble out at that point, suddenly recalling just how annoying Naruto was capable of being. He'd improved a bit from the Academy, but his voice was still rather grating when he got excited like that…
Sakura, too, seemed to lack the patience to deal with Naruto's excited ranting, as she promptly hit him over the head. She was excited too, though, and had a bit of a sparkle in her eyes when she turned to Kakashi. "What do you mean by that, sensei?"
Kakashi's eye curved up in a smile. "Until now, we've been working mostly on improving your weaknesses - taijutsu, teamwork, chakra control (though that last doesn't apply to you, Sakura!). Now it's about time to start playing to your strengths a bit. If you guys do well on this, we can start taking more out-of-village missions again."
Even Sasuke perked up a bit at that one. After the disaster in Wave, despite the mission technically being a success, Kakashi hadn't taken any missions outside of Konoha limits, and Team Seven was getting a little stir-crazy.
Kakashi actually giggled at the look on his student's faces… though he'd just opened his book, so maybe it wasn't because of that at all. Still, he continued on: "Sasuke, it's time for me to start teaching you more about your Sharingan. Sakura, your chakra control is excellent - we'll start putting that to use in battles. Naruto…"
Kakashi trailed off, staring thoughtfully at his final student, who was bouncing up and down excitedly.
"What? What do I get to learn?" Naruto asked eagerly.
"Naruto… your chakra reserves are enormous. Given that, I'm going to teach you some useful jutsu that require more chakra than most. Enemies won't be expecting something like that from a genin either, which will work to your advantage."
Naruto leapt straight up in the air. "YES! Jutsu! Finally!"
"Yes, finally!" Kakashi agreed, before tossing a scroll each to Naruto and Sakura. "So, you two study those until you can perform those techniques properly, then come back here. If you don't get it today, we'll meet as usual tomorrow and you can ask me any questions then… we'll continue doing that until you manage the jutsu, even if it's not tomorrow. Sasuke and I will be in Training Grounds 10. Sasuke, get moving."
Their sensei paid no attention to the increasingly dejected looks on both Naruto and Sakura's faces, and merely lifted two fingers in a casual salute before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.
In the pause that followed, Sakura sighed. "I guess it makes sense," she said. "Sasuke's not going to learn how to use his Sharingan from a scroll, and we can."
"But - but - that's not fair!" Naruto moaned. "Sasuke, you bastard, why do you get all the special treatment?"
Well, at the time Sasuke had actually been pleased to be the only one training directly with Kakashi, so he'd just dashed off to Training Grounds 10 without deigning to answer Naruto. However, several days later, he was beginning to regret being so secretly happy, for a few reasons.
Firstly, Kakashi was a slave driver. When training all of Team Seven he'd always been rather laconic and lazy… and he still was, just in a very demanding, mean way. He told Sasuke the bare minimum of a hint about how to use his Sharingan more effectively, and then spent two hours casually attacking Sasuke while giggling into his porn and occasionally complaining about Sasuke's lack of progress. Of course, Sasuke was trying his hardest just to fend off his sensei's attacks, which always became extremely vicious the moment he attempted to activate his Sharingan, and so the lazy taunting was extremely aggravating. But there was nothing he could do about it, given their relative skill levels, though that didn't mean he wasn't going to try his hardest.
Secondly, the training was boring. Sasuke realized he shouldn't really be complaining about valuable one-on-one training in such a way, but really, he didn't see what was too terribly different than before, except that Naruto and Sakura weren't around. He didn't feel like much progress was being made. All he was doing was defending himself from Kakashi, while practicing making seals as quickly as possible, and unsuccessfully attempting to utilize his Sharingan. He hadn't learned any special jutsu, or even any particularly amazing taijutsu techniques. In contrast, Naruto and Sakura were making regular progress.
Yes, the third reason had to do with Naruto and Sakura. From the very beginning, Sakura had been making steady progress through the scrolls Kakashi tossed to her every morning, which Sasuke gathered were teaching her some method to weaponize her finely-tuned chakra control. He didn't know how exactly she was doing so, but apparently she was doing it very well. Even though this spoke well for her future career as a ninja, it irked Sasuke to have Sakura surpassing him in any regard.
But at least he was able to take some comfort in the fact that Naruto wasn't making any headway whatsoever on his scroll. He complained about how confusing it was every morning, though as soon as Sasuke had offered to help him figure out the instructions, Naruto had clutched the scroll to his chest and refused, claiming there was 'no way he'd help Sasuke steal his precious jutsu!' Since Sasuke had actually planned on attempting the jutsu himself if possible, there wasn't much he could say to this, but it was still annoying.
What was even more annoying, though, was when Naruto asked Sakura to help him learn his jutsu. For some reason, she didn't refuse, and ever since then, every morning Sasuke would arrive to find his teammates crouched over the difficult scroll in question, discussing it in low voices - only to quickly roll it up as soon as Sasuke arrived. In his quest to master the jutsu (whatever it was) Naruto had actually taken to arriving even earlier than Sasuke.
It kind of made Sasuke want to arrive even earlier himself, just to spite them, but he resisted the urge. Somehow, doing that would feel too much like giving in. And besides, if Naruto was irritating him, all Sasuke had to do was wait for their regular extra training session together, and beat his friend up until he felt better.
---
…He didn't feel better, though. The whole time they were training, Naruto kept demanding that Sasuke show off his new skills. Of course, not really having any new skills to speak of, Sasuke declined. He didn't admit his real reasons, obviously, just said, "I don't need any new techniques to beat you," which got Naruto all fired up anyway.
But Sasuke (despite winning the spar) still felt irritated. Every day, he made no progress, and Kakashi was infuriating, and he didn't get a single respite because Naruto and Sakura were off training together somewhere, looking all cozy together even though Sakura was supposed to hate Naruto, and having so much fun learning their fancy new jutsu from their top-secret scrolls, and -
Sasuke started off his next set of attacks with a large fireball in Naruto's direction, but the angry heat within him didn't subside.
---
It all came to a head the day Sasuke ran into Konohamaru on the street.
Well, actually he didn't run into the little brat. It was more the other way around, except Sasuke dodged and Konohamaru ended up slamming face-first into a stone wall. Sasuke rather enjoyed that sight, actually, but of course the little imbecile started wailing then and drew the attention of just about everyone on the street.
Including Naruto and Sakura, just turning around the corner.
For a moment, Sasuke's vision went white-hot with rage. He couldn't comprehend what they were doing together. Training was over for the day - it was nearly dinnertime. Didn't Sakura have to be getting home? What reason did she have to hang out with Naruto when they weren't training? She was supposed to hate Naruto. She was supposed to like Sasuke, not Naruto. And as for Naruto - he was also supposed to…
Well, no. Naruto didn't like Sasuke anymore. But why was he hanging around Sakura so much? Did he like her again? Why would he? Okay, so she was far less annoying now, and she had been helping Naruto a lot with that stupid scroll, but why the hell would Naruto start liking her again? And why hadn't Sasuke known about it?
All these questions sped through Sasuke's mind in a furious loop as he watched his teammates approach. Konohamaru's wailing cut off as soon as he noticed Naruto (it had been nine-tenths melodrama in an effort to gain pity), to be replaced by a wide grin, and a cheerful, "Hiya, boss!"
Naruto waved back. "Yo. What's up, Konohamaru, did Sasuke beat you up?"
"You're teammate's a jerk!" Naruto's fanboy proclaimed, and Sasuke grit his teeth, trying simultaneously to resist the urge to thwack Konohamaru about the head, and to pry his eyes away from the comfortable distance between Sakura and Naruto's shoulders.
Luckily, Sakura thwacked Konohamaru for him. "Sasuke's not a jerk!" she snapped.
"Oh yeah?" Konohamaru challenged. "You're just saying that 'cause you've got a crush on him, you ugly girl!"
Moments later, Konohamaru collapsed to the ground, several large lumps sprouting from his head. Sakura smiled sweetly down at the twitching, moaning mass he had become. "What was that?"
The child merely glared up at her, prompting Sakura to begin an angry lecture on proper respect to one's elders and pretty girls.
Naruto, watching the whole affair with a hand rubbing awkwardly at the back of his head, chuckled nervously. "Um, I'm not even going to get involved," he decided. "Hey Sasuke, how are you doing? It feels like I haven't seen you in a while, even if it's only been a few days… Do you want to come get ramen with us?"
Us suddenly seemed like a very large word. It spread through Sasuke's mind, obliterating all else. Us. Ramen with us.
Naruto was smiling. Sasuke felt like punching him right in the center of that smile, for some reason. He really didn't know why. It wasn't like it concerned him whether or not Naruto was eating ramen with Sakura. He didn't actually care.
"…Are you on a date?" Sasuke asked, because he could lie to himself all he wanted, but he still couldn't explain why he felt such bone-deep anger.
Naruto blushed. "Wh- No! …Does it look like we are?"
Sasuke frowned. "You're eating dinner alone together. How is that not a date?"
Naruto's blush only grew, and he avoided Sasuke's eyes. For some reason, that seemed very suspicious, and Sasuke began to feel very warm himself, and a little tense. For some reason.
"Um, I didn't ask her out," Naruto admitted. "Sh-she's taking me out to celebrate."
"…Celebrate what?"
"None of your business." Naruto was definitely avoiding his eyes now. Sasuke abruptly came to the realization that his teammates were undoubtedly dating, but didn't want him to know. Of course Naruto wouldn't, after what had happened such a short time ago. Though it wasn't like Sasuke was going to oppose their relationship. It wasn't like he cared. He didn't. He was just…
He was just really pissed off.
"Fine!" Sasuke snapped, and spun jerkily on his heel to stomp away home. He could find something to eat. Even if he hadn't been able to go shopping for a while, he probably could fashion some sort of meal out of the contents of his kitchen cupboards.
Above all, he was not in the mood for ramen with Sakura and Naruto.
---
In some sick twist of fate, all that Sasuke had in his kitchen cupboards was a pack of instant ramen. He stared at it for a few seconds, before slamming the cupboard door shut and storming off to bed. Fine. He didn't need to eat dinner then. He wasn't hungry.
Sasuke's stomach growled, and he kicked the wall before flopping face-first into bed. Shut up, he told his belly. Stop contradicting me.
He was really angry. At Naruto, and at Sakura, and at Konohamaru, and at that idiot pervert Kakashi for starting all this, and at his stomach for being hungry, and his kitchen for only containing ramen, and his wall for being hard enough to make his toes really hurt now, but mostly at himself for being so unreasonable.
Sasuke just didn't understand why he was so pissed off. Okay, so he wasn't learning as much as he'd thought he would. He hadn't even activated his Sharingan all week, as Kakashi had told him not to use it outside of training, and every time he tried to use it in training, Kakashi just about murdered him until Sharingan was the last thing on his mind. At least his reaction times were becoming a lot faster, and his speed in making handseals was on the rise, too. That was something.
And, yes, Sakura was doing well too. She had actually been working quickly enough to receive a new scroll every morning, even after she'd started helping Naruto as well. Sasuke might not have seen the results of her apparently-successful training yet, but that didn't really matter - he knew the results were there, whereas he wasn't receiving many at all. But her increasing abilities were actually a boon for the team, and Sasuke was confident he'd still be able to defeat her in the end, so Sakura's progress wasn't really bothering him that much.
As for Naruto - well, that was where Sasuke kept getting stuck, his thoughts losing all coherency in a swirl of rage. That was where the anger was coming from. But there wasn't really any reason for Sasuke to be angry at Naruto - he knew that. So they weren't spending much time together anymore - that wasn't Naruto's fault any more than it was Sasuke's. No, that was purely due to Kakashi. And even the fact that Naruto was training with Sakura was (sort of) Kakashi's fault. The fact that Naruto was dating Sakura, however…
As soon as he thought that, Sasuke knew what was going on. The true cause of his anger - it was because Naruto was dating Sakura. And Sasuke wanted that to be because Naruto hadn't told him. He wanted it to be because Naruto was going out with Sakura so soon, which must mean he'd never felt so strongly for Sasuke in the first place. He'd even prefer it if he was angry because he liked Sakura himself.
But that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all, Sasuke realized all of a sudden. He couldn't care less about those reasons. They didn't explain why the lack of Naruto's 'I love you's were still bothering Sasuke, and they didn't explain why Sasuke was so angry at Sakura for being nice to Naruto. Those reasons just plain weren't true.
What was true, was infinitely worse. The truth was… horrible, but suddenly Sasuke was realizing it, and he wasn't hungry at all now. Actually he felt kind of like throwing up.
The truth was that Sasuke was jealous.
The truth was that Sasuke… liked Naruto.
"Damn you, Kakashi," he whispered into his pillow, face probably literally on fire. "This is all your fault."
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Chapter Ten: Declaration