people don't change, time does
Summer, 1999 (v17)
"it bothers me when I can't remember what people say (especially when it strikes that 'you-should-take-that-to-heart chord'). Ron has a way of doing that. he says things so beautifully- no, eloquently (two words meaning essentially the same thing).
it's always me who's self-centered though. at least I perceive myself to be selfish, egocentric- bitch. but when other people say that, in truth or in jest, it just fuels my fire to loathe everything I am and everything I used to be: the heartless tennis burnout. then again, I have this (infatuation?)- no let's be blunt. I have this obsession with who I am "capable" of becoming. I know I'm intelligent. I know I pick things up quickly and with ease. I know I can do better. my problem is that I always says that. it is my biggest problem. the death, the fighting, the loneliness- none of it comes close. maybe it's that I don't want to do better. it's only the idea of it that seems nice.
everyone feels bad for me because they know what's going on. they know why I'm slacking. they cater to my problems excuses. it's a horrible way for me to be.
I've integrated music into my life even moreso than before. he commented on my speakers. I am loving the feeling as I sit on the center of my bed.. listening to Sarah McLachlan quite a bit lately. 'Hold On', especially. where was that song December 28, 1995? it may have helped. it's funny how other people's actions affect your own choices. my own choices. it lets the tears flow down my face.
love, like everything else, goes in circles. he needs me to be somebody I can't be. just as I do for him. and we tell each other these things, how do we feel? broken, lonely.
just because you think you're in love, are you? how many doubts does it take to be 'just' love and not 'in' love? one? two? who came up with these terms?
Julie says he's jealous. she's probably right. but he has what I want, so I should be the jealous one. I've the right. yet, I'm not. maybe. I play silly games with myself. trickery. I rather sit down and observe what's going on than to actually partake in anything. maybe that's what she meant?
song that cannot be improved upon: 'I Will Not Forget You' (noone possesses my soul)
it's all the same, though. all I want to do is write- just not about that. he didn't even enter my mind until 3pm, and this is a good day.
I want to call, but I'm afraid.
three times, now. repetitiveness is making it better. sweeter. more familiar. it gets spread out and thin. I'm tired. bored. wanting something different.
it used to come from nowhere."
"it bothers me when I can't remember what people say (especially when it strikes that 'you-should-take-that-to-heart chord'). Ron has a way of doing that. he says things so beautifully- no, eloquently (two words meaning essentially the same thing).
it's always me who's self-centered though. at least I perceive myself to be selfish, egocentric- bitch. but when other people say that, in truth or in jest, it just fuels my fire to loathe everything I am and everything I used to be: the heartless tennis burnout. then again, I have this (infatuation?)- no let's be blunt. I have this obsession with who I am "capable" of becoming. I know I'm intelligent. I know I pick things up quickly and with ease. I know I can do better. my problem is that I always says that. it is my biggest problem. the death, the fighting, the loneliness- none of it comes close. maybe it's that I don't want to do better. it's only the idea of it that seems nice.
everyone feels bad for me because they know what's going on. they know why I'm slacking. they cater to my problems excuses. it's a horrible way for me to be.
I've integrated music into my life even moreso than before. he commented on my speakers. I am loving the feeling as I sit on the center of my bed.. listening to Sarah McLachlan quite a bit lately. 'Hold On', especially. where was that song December 28, 1995? it may have helped. it's funny how other people's actions affect your own choices. my own choices. it lets the tears flow down my face.
love, like everything else, goes in circles. he needs me to be somebody I can't be. just as I do for him. and we tell each other these things, how do we feel? broken, lonely.
just because you think you're in love, are you? how many doubts does it take to be 'just' love and not 'in' love? one? two? who came up with these terms?
Julie says he's jealous. she's probably right. but he has what I want, so I should be the jealous one. I've the right. yet, I'm not. maybe. I play silly games with myself. trickery. I rather sit down and observe what's going on than to actually partake in anything. maybe that's what she meant?
song that cannot be improved upon: 'I Will Not Forget You' (noone possesses my soul)
it's all the same, though. all I want to do is write- just not about that. he didn't even enter my mind until 3pm, and this is a good day.
I want to call, but I'm afraid.
three times, now. repetitiveness is making it better. sweeter. more familiar. it gets spread out and thin. I'm tired. bored. wanting something different.
it used to come from nowhere."