absolutism
and the lack thereof.
it's funny how expectations work..
I spent the first night in my "duplex" in the hospital emergency room. the move left me with very few dollars to eat and four stiches in the toe left of me pinky on my right foot. other than that, I can not complain about anything, not really. I've seen a lot of faces pass through these last few days.. and with Chris here taking care of me while I was incapacitated, it felt a lot like daze past. in that respect, it's nice to enter a (relatively monetary) scary situation with a good sense of nostalgia. there's hope things will roll along smoothly.. there's hope, which is what was lacking at my mother's house. on the big list of things to do, I can cross something off. one up for the self-respect. next: education>career>procreation.. not necessarily in that order. and I am hoping to make a career out of a long stream of fulfilling random profitable circumstance. or you know (and so does everybody else) that I'll probably end up a teacher. if for nothing more than the summers off. although whenever someone mentions that I might make a relatively decent teacher with a relatively decent wage, I get defensive. as if it's not good enough for me. and to be honest, I truly do believe there is something special out there I am meant to do. and that if I get stuck in some career-orientated-security-driven routine, that I'll drown in mediocrity and waste away until my soul gets buried under stacks of paper and red ink. not that I know what it I am capable of. I feel like I am one lucky random circumstance away from my potential. and that it's resting on me chest, taunting me with ten thousand pounds of pressure.
nevertheless, I have positioned myself one step closer towards whatever the hell is next. and that feels pretty damn fucking good.
it's funny how expectations work..
I spent the first night in my "duplex" in the hospital emergency room. the move left me with very few dollars to eat and four stiches in the toe left of me pinky on my right foot. other than that, I can not complain about anything, not really. I've seen a lot of faces pass through these last few days.. and with Chris here taking care of me while I was incapacitated, it felt a lot like daze past. in that respect, it's nice to enter a (relatively monetary) scary situation with a good sense of nostalgia. there's hope things will roll along smoothly.. there's hope, which is what was lacking at my mother's house. on the big list of things to do, I can cross something off. one up for the self-respect. next: education>career>procreation.. not necessarily in that order. and I am hoping to make a career out of a long stream of fulfilling random profitable circumstance. or you know (and so does everybody else) that I'll probably end up a teacher. if for nothing more than the summers off. although whenever someone mentions that I might make a relatively decent teacher with a relatively decent wage, I get defensive. as if it's not good enough for me. and to be honest, I truly do believe there is something special out there I am meant to do. and that if I get stuck in some career-orientated-security-driven routine, that I'll drown in mediocrity and waste away until my soul gets buried under stacks of paper and red ink. not that I know what it I am capable of. I feel like I am one lucky random circumstance away from my potential. and that it's resting on me chest, taunting me with ten thousand pounds of pressure.
nevertheless, I have positioned myself one step closer towards whatever the hell is next. and that feels pretty damn fucking good.