IRS, Eat Your Heart Out
This year I'm going to file my federal income tax returns through their TeleFile Service, in which I can call the toll-free number listed on the document and do my taxes over the phone, eliminating most of the clumsiness of the other forms for more complicated incomes.
Here we go on our magical step-by-step journey through the TeleFile.
1:42 AM
I dial the toll free number that can be called 24 hours a day. There's no ring, and a machine greets me. Hooray!
1:44 AM
I enter my social security number. Secret!
1:45 AM
I enter my customer service number, then my date of birth.
I decline $3 of my money to the Presidential Election Campaign Fund. There's an option to "not answer the question," but I figure that's the route for the really paranoid.
I accept that my parents can claim me as a dependant.
1:46 AM
I enter the amount of taxable interest I have received from my savings account. This amount makes me sad, especially since rounding to the nearest dollar made it round up and it's still small.
1:47 AM
I decline having any unemployment compensation and whip out my W-2 form from McDonald's. Ahh, the sweet smell of money already spent... Wait, that's more bitter than sweet.
1:48 AM
I check box B on my W-2 to find my employer's ID number and punch it into the phone. *sigh* The IRS knows I work at McDonald's.
1:49 AM
I enter my total wages rounding up to the nearest dollar, located in box 1 of my W-2. This is also sad because I'm looking at all of the money that SHOULD be in the bank right now.
1:50 AM
I enter the amount of federal income tax withheld, and then push in that I don't have any more W-2's to report.
The machine tells me my federal adjusted gross income, which I then write down in the box located on line I on the TeleFile form.
1:51 AM
I am told my standard deduction and my lack of an exemption amount, located on line J.
I am told my nonexistent federal taxable income and tax. Even though I have to keep stopping to type in notes that I'll go back to later, this is going faster than I thought.
1:52 AM
The nice machine lady tells me the amount of my refund, which is a full refund of the federal income tax withheld.
She asks if I want to send the refund to my mailing address or send it via direct-deposit straight to my bank account. I choose to send it to the house.
1:53 AM
There's a declaration I had to virtually sign with my customer service number, and it went a little (exactly) like this:
"Under penalties of perjury, I declare that to the best of my knowledge and belief, the return information I provided is true and correct, and includes all amounts and sources of income I received during the tax year."
1:54
She tells me my confirmation number WAY TOO FAST, and I'm scribbling down numbers that I have to pull from the far end of my short-term memory, and I, relieved, ask to have it repeated. Astonishingly enough, I threw the numbers down correctly.
Sadly, my adventure comes to an end as the TeleFile Machine Lady wishes me a good day and says goodbye. I guess I'll call her again next year. I feel like such a tool for trying to maintain such a long-distance relationship. We never talk about anything but money, and we really don't talk all that often at all. It's horrible...
1:55 AM
I fill in the date of the call and stack my W-2 and bank statement on top of the TeleFile form to be stapled and filed away at a later time, and then proceed to expand on my notes and make this a slightly more interesting un-adventure through the IRS TeleFile, 2003. Thank you for your time.
Here we go on our magical step-by-step journey through the TeleFile.
1:42 AM
I dial the toll free number that can be called 24 hours a day. There's no ring, and a machine greets me. Hooray!
1:44 AM
I enter my social security number. Secret!
1:45 AM
I enter my customer service number, then my date of birth.
I decline $3 of my money to the Presidential Election Campaign Fund. There's an option to "not answer the question," but I figure that's the route for the really paranoid.
I accept that my parents can claim me as a dependant.
1:46 AM
I enter the amount of taxable interest I have received from my savings account. This amount makes me sad, especially since rounding to the nearest dollar made it round up and it's still small.
1:47 AM
I decline having any unemployment compensation and whip out my W-2 form from McDonald's. Ahh, the sweet smell of money already spent... Wait, that's more bitter than sweet.
1:48 AM
I check box B on my W-2 to find my employer's ID number and punch it into the phone. *sigh* The IRS knows I work at McDonald's.
1:49 AM
I enter my total wages rounding up to the nearest dollar, located in box 1 of my W-2. This is also sad because I'm looking at all of the money that SHOULD be in the bank right now.
1:50 AM
I enter the amount of federal income tax withheld, and then push in that I don't have any more W-2's to report.
The machine tells me my federal adjusted gross income, which I then write down in the box located on line I on the TeleFile form.
1:51 AM
I am told my standard deduction and my lack of an exemption amount, located on line J.
I am told my nonexistent federal taxable income and tax. Even though I have to keep stopping to type in notes that I'll go back to later, this is going faster than I thought.
1:52 AM
The nice machine lady tells me the amount of my refund, which is a full refund of the federal income tax withheld.
She asks if I want to send the refund to my mailing address or send it via direct-deposit straight to my bank account. I choose to send it to the house.
1:53 AM
There's a declaration I had to virtually sign with my customer service number, and it went a little (exactly) like this:
"Under penalties of perjury, I declare that to the best of my knowledge and belief, the return information I provided is true and correct, and includes all amounts and sources of income I received during the tax year."
1:54
She tells me my confirmation number WAY TOO FAST, and I'm scribbling down numbers that I have to pull from the far end of my short-term memory, and I, relieved, ask to have it repeated. Astonishingly enough, I threw the numbers down correctly.
Sadly, my adventure comes to an end as the TeleFile Machine Lady wishes me a good day and says goodbye. I guess I'll call her again next year. I feel like such a tool for trying to maintain such a long-distance relationship. We never talk about anything but money, and we really don't talk all that often at all. It's horrible...
1:55 AM
I fill in the date of the call and stack my W-2 and bank statement on top of the TeleFile form to be stapled and filed away at a later time, and then proceed to expand on my notes and make this a slightly more interesting un-adventure through the IRS TeleFile, 2003. Thank you for your time.