Cake and Ice Cream

[vicioussweetie]

Does having two Time Lords in the same Nexus make them selectively blind or something?

They are also, I have decided, very silly.

Mortimer took me on a picnic. It was nice. Just us, and Raz and Jezel.

Tom's back. Not the one who died, the other one. We had ice cream.

So are Mistral and his friends. More of them now, some of the older ones

Comments

[goodform]

*He had been possessed of every intent of talking about something else first. Honestly. He had. But patience has never been one of his talents*

Let me go?

[vicioussweetie]

She looks down, wrapping her arms around herself. "I have to protect my children, Jas, and if you're going to hate Alured then I cannot, will not, let you hurt him."

[goodform]

*His expression slams from horrified through to stony in one moment, shutting down. Distance is important, very important, distance keeps you safe*

Then I am sorry you consider me a witless murderer. *the hurt in his voice is obvious, despite the tightly controlled expression*

[vicioussweetie]

"I didn't say that." She looks up again, glaring at him. "Don't put words in my mouth!"

[goodform]

Then do not ascribe actions to me!

*Again, the hurt: yes, there is anger, he is an angry man by nature - but it is more the snap and bite of a dog whose previously kind and generous master has suddenly begun to beat at him with a stick*

I believed you had come to enjoy spending time with me because you felt I deserved to be happy, that I deserved not to be judged as hastily as I almost always am.

[vicioussweetie]

"I do." She's unspeakably hurt he doubts that. "But I have eyes, Jas, I can see how upset you are every time you're forced to confront the fact that I'm going to have a baby soon. My children will live in a world that hates them because of things they have no control over, things which have no bearing on whether or not they're good but by which they'll be judged lacking anyway, and it's my duty as their mother to protect them from it as much as I can."

She looks down again, sighing. "The whole world will be filled with people like you went to school with, Jas. You know how much that will hurt them. How can you expect me to invite that pain into their lives? It's much better that I be the one hurting."

[goodform]

*And he is looking away, also, because of course it is, in part at least, the miserable truth. Children occupy a blind spot of rage in his consciousness, and it is very hard for him to look past the conditioning of years to focus on the present situation: but he tries.*

No. It is better that I am the one hurting, Ali. *his voice is flat* I am used to it.

[vicioussweetie]

"You know that isn't what I want." There are tears in her eyes now, and in her voice. "If I could make this better somehow...but I don't know how. Do you?"

[goodform]

*He is silent for what seems like a very long time. He wishes he could believe in Victor's theory: that hugs make everything better, but somehow he knows that even if he could make his suddenly leaden limbs move, hugs alone can't solve this one*

If...

*he pauses, swallows, resumes. His voice is low*

...if you can manage not to condemn me before the act, then I can manage not to condemn myself when the time comes.

*he looks up. It would indeed be a rare man (and some would say, a liar) who could say he'd seen James Hook weep, and his eyes are dry now, but the look in them haggard and old.* Do you understand?

[vicioussweetie]

"I haven't." She's getting angry again. "You've chosen to mistake my words. That isn't my fault."

[goodform]

Very well. Correct me where I am mistaken, then. *his tone remains level. This is, in fact, more worrying than the volcanic anger that is usual*

This is what your words have been: You have said that if I am going to hate Alured then you cannot let me hurt him.

*He lays a lot of quiet emphasis on the word "if". She has had cause to consider the option, therefore to him she has at least some small belief that he will become a raving madman when the child is born and try to slaughter it*

What I have said in return is that if you can trust enough in my strength of will to believe that there is no "if", that I will not hurt your child...I also can trust in it, and I will not hurt your child.

*he turns away from her, giving her only the sharp edge of his profile to look at, head down*

[vicioussweetie]

She's quiet for a moment, then steps closer, her arms slowly sliding around him to offer what comfort she can. "Can you will yourself to smile at him, Jas? Can you force yourself to mean it?"

[goodform]

I do not know until I try, Ali.

I did not know if I would enjoy eating pizza, and I tried. I had never seen a movie, and yet this also is something I have tried.

*He remains still, although that close she will be able to feel his pulse hammering, as if the quiet tone and manner is serving as a leash for far more destructive emotion*

There is no knowing what a man is capable of if he does not at least have the opportunity to try.

[vicioussweetie]

"I've tried to give you those opportunities. I'm sorry if I've failed you somehow, but it's hard. It hurts so much to see that look on your face, and I'm not perfect. Sometimes I don't want to hurt."

[goodform]

*Another pause*

You do not need to.

*Part of him wants to give her all her words back. He too has tried. He too is sorry if he has failed, and the look on her face is hardly a delight to him either. Nor could he ever claim, all his arrogance aside, to be utterly perfect*

[vicioussweetie]

Her arms tighten around him a little, and her head falls to his shoulder. "I love you so much. I love you, and I need you. I wish you could be happy about this..."