this is my openness
Today I had a chance more than one chance to help someone understand themselves a little better. One of those instances stick out, not because it was a success, or because it was unsuccessful, but because I became aware once again of the flip side to practicing empathy with honesty. This person is so much like me it hurts sometimes to see her struggle. I hope she realizes that someday these struggles will make her stronger, but I'm too realistic to know that, like me, it will most likely not matter whether she realizes this or not in the future. It won't give her any peace. I hope though, she'll get it from the people around her. Sadly though, I'm not, and this is what makes being away so hard. I need to be near now, whether it is my responsibility to or not matters very little to me. It's not about that. And to some degree it's selfish of me, to think that it will make me feel more comfortable with myself if I was there to help her. But I know it's also not about that either, because I don't really know how much I matter to anyone anymore, in all honesty, in the sense that people are truly being honest with themsleves. With that in mind I understand that my trying may have little or no effect, but again, that is not why I am so bothered tonight. It's because, despite my cynicism, I still want to be there, I love her so much that all I would like is to take that frustration away, or even just the chance to. It doesn't matter how close she feels to me, just that I love her as an older brother would. That's the pain of it, its unconditionality, that when she is frustrated, I am frustrated, and end up writing like this. So, I guess, this is my openness, these words are the only thing that can serve as my arms and my voice, saying, "You'll get through it." And I hope it reaches her.