Damn. I've gotten too deep into this nihilism crap. >.<;
Don’t bother, seriously.
Not that it’s actually incorrect or anything, but thinking even slightly nihilistically, at all, isn’t a good way to live. Recently I think I’ve taken it a little too seriously, so I have to stop. Not because I’m a danger to society or anything, lol, but it’s just quite depressing to think that all values are baseless and all. But still…
I seek truth, acknowledgment, respect, and all the rest of that crap. But I should keep in mind that all of it’s impossible to achieve all of the time, despite how sad that in itself is.
What I want is impossible to gain. It’s unreachable, and unachievable. And what is it exactly? Total security, I suppose. The promise that someone won’t just leave me…
Let’s start with love-isn’t it just a temporary state of mind? There was a time when I once believed it existed. There was a time when it filled me and all of my world. But now, she wants nothing to do with me. Sure, we were both at fault, but I was always honest, and loyal. She also managed to get out of our relationship relatively unscathed with her hand and heart in another person (still a different person to the one she betrayed me with though, heh). I doubt she was even alone for one night. And I, the once centre of her universe, am left with, and as, nihil. Maybe it shouldn’t matter after what’s been about a year and a half, but it does.
Perhaps I’ve just been depressed lately, and that’s why things have seemed so pointless and all. But I can’t see this rubbish disappearing from my mind anytime soon. My upbringing was sheltered (kind of hard to explain in what way, nothing really bad, I was just really excluded), and it left me completely unprepared for everything in life. So, who do I know that was brought up the way as myself? My sisters. My brother’s not quite there yet, and maybe he won’t ever be. But my sisters see that we were disadvantaged by our upbringing. My eldest sister, Loretta, ran away from home when she was 16 years old (she wanted me to get out of that place when I was 16 too, so I moved into hers, heh), and she will always have something against my parents. Now she’s married with four young children, and lives in a huge house in an expensive beach-side suburb of Sydney. Sound alright? Yeah, well she drinks herself to sleep almost every night. What are her young children suppose to think when their mother shows them more love and attention with a glass of wine in her hand than any other time? I wouldn’t know.
I think it would have been back when she was pregnant with her first child that the man she’s married to and her decided to stop smoking, for the sake of the kids health. He stopped smoking, and he thinks she has too. But she still smokes, he just doesn’t know. He’s at work from the early hours of the morning till late at night. She lies to him about smoking all the time. Is that how all marriages are? I wouldn’t know, but what’s that tell me? Honesty only lasts until the next cigarette? I hate that. I can’t handle thinking that people have been lying to me. >.< Too painful. It just gives me the impression that they don’t take me seriously…I don’t want to think about it.
Honesty’s a rarity, love’s impermanent, promises are lies and everything’s temporary. Wow, I need to stop spending so much time alone.
Not that it’s actually incorrect or anything, but thinking even slightly nihilistically, at all, isn’t a good way to live. Recently I think I’ve taken it a little too seriously, so I have to stop. Not because I’m a danger to society or anything, lol, but it’s just quite depressing to think that all values are baseless and all. But still…
I seek truth, acknowledgment, respect, and all the rest of that crap. But I should keep in mind that all of it’s impossible to achieve all of the time, despite how sad that in itself is.
What I want is impossible to gain. It’s unreachable, and unachievable. And what is it exactly? Total security, I suppose. The promise that someone won’t just leave me…
Let’s start with love-isn’t it just a temporary state of mind? There was a time when I once believed it existed. There was a time when it filled me and all of my world. But now, she wants nothing to do with me. Sure, we were both at fault, but I was always honest, and loyal. She also managed to get out of our relationship relatively unscathed with her hand and heart in another person (still a different person to the one she betrayed me with though, heh). I doubt she was even alone for one night. And I, the once centre of her universe, am left with, and as, nihil. Maybe it shouldn’t matter after what’s been about a year and a half, but it does.
Perhaps I’ve just been depressed lately, and that’s why things have seemed so pointless and all. But I can’t see this rubbish disappearing from my mind anytime soon. My upbringing was sheltered (kind of hard to explain in what way, nothing really bad, I was just really excluded), and it left me completely unprepared for everything in life. So, who do I know that was brought up the way as myself? My sisters. My brother’s not quite there yet, and maybe he won’t ever be. But my sisters see that we were disadvantaged by our upbringing. My eldest sister, Loretta, ran away from home when she was 16 years old (she wanted me to get out of that place when I was 16 too, so I moved into hers, heh), and she will always have something against my parents. Now she’s married with four young children, and lives in a huge house in an expensive beach-side suburb of Sydney. Sound alright? Yeah, well she drinks herself to sleep almost every night. What are her young children suppose to think when their mother shows them more love and attention with a glass of wine in her hand than any other time? I wouldn’t know.
I think it would have been back when she was pregnant with her first child that the man she’s married to and her decided to stop smoking, for the sake of the kids health. He stopped smoking, and he thinks she has too. But she still smokes, he just doesn’t know. He’s at work from the early hours of the morning till late at night. She lies to him about smoking all the time. Is that how all marriages are? I wouldn’t know, but what’s that tell me? Honesty only lasts until the next cigarette? I hate that. I can’t handle thinking that people have been lying to me. >.< Too painful. It just gives me the impression that they don’t take me seriously…I don’t want to think about it.
Honesty’s a rarity, love’s impermanent, promises are lies and everything’s temporary. Wow, I need to stop spending so much time alone.