Duality of Jealousy
Jealousy is always a function of insecurity, but it can manifest in two different ways: the fear of losing what you have to someone else, or as a fantasy: the imagining that you could have had something someone else now has, or that you might even now, if only they no longer did. The latter one is a strange one, and is the reason why the word has become, for many, synonymous with envy, which is simply the desire to have something someone else has, without regard to the competitive element. The latter definition is also the only one that I ever feel. The former is utterly silly, imo. I am confident that once I have proven my worth to someone then they will understand it and appreciate it. Moreover, if they don't, if they understand me and then choose to discard me, well I respect such a choice, and mark it up to personal differences. But the what-ifs and the couldabeens are what get me: the people who come and whisk by without my grasp ever taking hold of them, without stopping long enough for me to fill them with my light. And if I see such a person that I so long to demonstrate my worth to stop and gaze instead into the eyes of another, I am filled with indignant sorrow.
for I suppose it is only my presentation, my initial attractiveness that I am uncertain about, and have insecurities of. And when it is proven that I am unable to attract in the first place those that I wish I could, that confirms my fears, and solidifies my insecurity.
Intellectually, I realize that both forms are foolish. But I suppose, since I seem to have chosen one, the one is far better than the other :)
for I suppose it is only my presentation, my initial attractiveness that I am uncertain about, and have insecurities of. And when it is proven that I am unable to attract in the first place those that I wish I could, that confirms my fears, and solidifies my insecurity.
Intellectually, I realize that both forms are foolish. But I suppose, since I seem to have chosen one, the one is far better than the other :)