Capital One sucks
Today I tried to log into my Capital One credit card's online payment and management system. The password I am sure is correct was rejected. So I am redirected to a page where I can create a new password. Okay. I enter all the information: card number, expiration date, super special back-of-the-card 3-digit number, social security number, date of birth, fucking mother's maiden name, and then what I want my new password to be twice...
* The information you entered does not match our records. Please check your information and try again.
So I check my shit, make sure it's exactly correct, it is. So I can do nothing but stupidly click the submit button again. No dice, of course, but I get a more helpful error message this time:
* If you continue to experience difficulty, contact one of our Customer Relations representatives at 1-800-951-6951 for US customers and 1-800-481-3239 for Canadian customers for further assistance.
So I call their fucking number and I navigate through four or five cycles of their automated phone labyrinth before realizing that every pathway leads to a dead-end. So I just start hitting buttons: 0, that's usually the operator ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") okay # ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") hmm.. * ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") okay so I go back to the main menu by hitting 1 three times, then I try everything over again, this time * brings me to a different message "Due to extremely high call volumes your estimated call wait is over ten minutes, please hit star again if you do not wish to be returned to the automated system." Uh.. okay: * I put my phone on speaker and set it down to wait out the 10+ minutes, but 12 seconds later a rep picks me up, fucking lying robot bitch.
Baggie McDouche: This is Baggie McDouche can you please tell me who I'm speaking to?
Me: Ryan Mills
McDouche: Please read to me you 16 digit account number
Me: uh.. okay. *I read the 16 digits* (twice)
McDouche: and can you verify the last four digits of your social
Me: 666π
McDouche: can you tell me the the average airspeed velocity of a coconut laden African swallow?
Me: 13 m/s with no greater than 60% average relative humidity at less than 1000m above sea level.
McDouche: Okay...
*30 seconds of silence*
Me: Um.. hello?
McDouche: Yes sir.
*2 solid minutes of silence pass with me wondering if he's pulling something up on a computer or is waiting for me to ask a question; I decide to wait, because Baggie here is definitely the type of have prompted me with a bored, sycophantic "And how can I help you today Mr. Mills?"*
McDouche: (finally) What I can I help you with today?
Me: The online system is not allowing me to change my password
McDouche: Well I'm sorry you're having difficulty today. I'm pulling up your account to take a look at it.
Me: What? You're doing that now? Then what was that two minutes of silence, were you sitting there with your thumb up your butt?
McDouche: Yes sir, it feels very nice.
Me: Okay.
McDouche: Okay are you looking at the "Forgot Login Information" screen?
Me: Yes.
McDouche: Tell me each of the fields there, and what you entered so I can tell you which field is causing the problem
Me: Okay. The first is account number, which I've already told you. The second is Expiration Date which I've put 3 (march) 2010
McDouche: *concerned noises* Looks like you have the wrong expiration date.
Me: Dude, I'm looking at my card right in my hand.
McDouche: Yes, well it appears we send you another one with a different expiration date.
Me: Why would you do that? This card works fine, I used it a few days ago, and it doesn't expire for three years.
McDouche: I'm not sure sir, but that is the problem, your expiration date doesn't match the one we have for you in the system
Me: What date is that?
McDouche: We don't have an expiration date for you.
Me: it's blank?!
McDouche: For security purposes I cannot see the date we have for you. I can only tell that it is not what you tried to enter in the online form, so the most likely possibility is that we sent you another card with a different expiration.
Me: Well I didn't get a new card, so why don't you just enter into my account the perfectly fine expiration date that is right here on this card that works?
McDouche: We cannot do that sir, but we can send you another card.
Me: That is quite frustrating.
McDouche: I'm sorry you have having difficulty sir. Would you like me to go ahead and send you a new card?
Me: I guess so.
Shit like this makes me want to scream.
* The information you entered does not match our records. Please check your information and try again.
So I check my shit, make sure it's exactly correct, it is. So I can do nothing but stupidly click the submit button again. No dice, of course, but I get a more helpful error message this time:
* If you continue to experience difficulty, contact one of our Customer Relations representatives at 1-800-951-6951 for US customers and 1-800-481-3239 for Canadian customers for further assistance.
So I call their fucking number and I navigate through four or five cycles of their automated phone labyrinth before realizing that every pathway leads to a dead-end. So I just start hitting buttons: 0, that's usually the operator ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") okay # ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") hmm.. * ("Sorry, please listen again to the menu choices...") okay so I go back to the main menu by hitting 1 three times, then I try everything over again, this time * brings me to a different message "Due to extremely high call volumes your estimated call wait is over ten minutes, please hit star again if you do not wish to be returned to the automated system." Uh.. okay: * I put my phone on speaker and set it down to wait out the 10+ minutes, but 12 seconds later a rep picks me up, fucking lying robot bitch.
Baggie McDouche: This is Baggie McDouche can you please tell me who I'm speaking to?
Me: Ryan Mills
McDouche: Please read to me you 16 digit account number
Me: uh.. okay. *I read the 16 digits* (twice)
McDouche: and can you verify the last four digits of your social
Me: 666π
McDouche: can you tell me the the average airspeed velocity of a coconut laden African swallow?
Me: 13 m/s with no greater than 60% average relative humidity at less than 1000m above sea level.
McDouche: Okay...
*30 seconds of silence*
Me: Um.. hello?
McDouche: Yes sir.
*2 solid minutes of silence pass with me wondering if he's pulling something up on a computer or is waiting for me to ask a question; I decide to wait, because Baggie here is definitely the type of have prompted me with a bored, sycophantic "And how can I help you today Mr. Mills?"*
McDouche: (finally) What I can I help you with today?
Me: The online system is not allowing me to change my password
McDouche: Well I'm sorry you're having difficulty today. I'm pulling up your account to take a look at it.
Me: What? You're doing that now? Then what was that two minutes of silence, were you sitting there with your thumb up your butt?
McDouche: Yes sir, it feels very nice.
Me: Okay.
McDouche: Okay are you looking at the "Forgot Login Information" screen?
Me: Yes.
McDouche: Tell me each of the fields there, and what you entered so I can tell you which field is causing the problem
Me: Okay. The first is account number, which I've already told you. The second is Expiration Date which I've put 3 (march) 2010
McDouche: *concerned noises* Looks like you have the wrong expiration date.
Me: Dude, I'm looking at my card right in my hand.
McDouche: Yes, well it appears we send you another one with a different expiration date.
Me: Why would you do that? This card works fine, I used it a few days ago, and it doesn't expire for three years.
McDouche: I'm not sure sir, but that is the problem, your expiration date doesn't match the one we have for you in the system
Me: What date is that?
McDouche: We don't have an expiration date for you.
Me: it's blank?!
McDouche: For security purposes I cannot see the date we have for you. I can only tell that it is not what you tried to enter in the online form, so the most likely possibility is that we sent you another card with a different expiration.
Me: Well I didn't get a new card, so why don't you just enter into my account the perfectly fine expiration date that is right here on this card that works?
McDouche: We cannot do that sir, but we can send you another card.
Me: That is quite frustrating.
McDouche: I'm sorry you have having difficulty sir. Would you like me to go ahead and send you a new card?
Me: I guess so.
Shit like this makes me want to scream.