Family Unpleasantness.
You probably don't want to read this entry. Really. But I'm posting it anyway. Not sure why. It's not really funny. But it is fucked up. I guess it shows part of what makes me who I am.
Anyway my mother decided to read through my journal yesterday. I'm very surprised that she did because there's no doubt she would find my thoughts on most things to be very boring and often incomprehensible. But she apparently endured until she came to the some posts where I quote my favorite IM conversations with her. She responded poorly. Commenting with hurt borne of insecurity. And I felt bad about it. But she continued and as she became more hurt she began to blame me and then attacked me.
This morning, she IMed me for a fight. I've had countless of these kinds of fights with my mother since what I call my entry into independence (around middle school), when I realized that my mother wasn't the god-figure she played herself up to be. It's impossible to win a fight with her because she whimsically converts anything into an expression of insecurity, misguidance, or ignorance. She has an answer for everything and is always right, and backed up by god. Read it if you want, but it's not pretty. I got very angry and was brutal. Nobody can rile me like my family can.
donna mills 47: are you happy that i'm sitting here crying my heart out because my son is mean
donna mills 47: are you going to post this one too
donna mills 47: i only want to love you, but you make it difficult
Vicariance: I AM NOT SORRY
Vicariance: fuck you for making me feel guilty
donna mills 47: you are a mean "mother-fucker" The term was made for you. You're an alergicly fat pill popping alcoholic with high blood pressure and you will get the same "fuck you" that you said to me. What a dickhead to say "Fuck You" to me.
Vicariance: good day.
donna mills 47: post that
Vicariance: it's not funny [Alright it's pretty damn funny.]
Vicariance: you're rarely funny when you try
donna mills 47: neither are you
Vicariance: but often very funny when you try to be serious
donna mills 47: God Bless Kim
Vicariance: yeah go ahead and attack me in those slippery roundabout ways of yours
donna mills 47: that was no attack
donna mills 47: all truth
Vicariance: you have no idea what an attack is
Vicariance: even though you do it all the time
donna mills 47: you have no idea what anything is
donna mills 47: you attack and then you accuse me
Vicariance: I did not start this but yes, I have retaliated
donna mills 47: yes you did
Vicariance: no, you're the one who overreacted and accused me of wrongdoing
donna mills 47: "sorry you're hurting" would have been the kinder thing to do [say]
donna mills 47: but you are never kind to me
donna mills 47: NEVER!
donna mills 47: you make up stuff when you can't think of anything mean to say about me
Vicariance: I am never kind to you?
Vicariance: fuck you again
Vicariance: go away.
donna mills 47: you'll get paid back from the universe for those words
donna mills 47: and you can expect it soon
donna mills 47: sad
Vicariance: I'm looking forward to it
Vicariance: oh great cosmic laserbeam
Vicariance: burn me to a cinder
donna mills 47: you'll see
donna mills 47: when you're hurting over something, think of how you hurt others
donna mills 47: i don't have to punish you or anyone because the universe takes care of those details
donna mills 47: you have more fear in you than anyone i know
donna mills 47: guess you won't tell me when you get paid back
donna mills 47: i just know it
donna mills 47: you get what you give
Vicariance: I believe in balance
donna mills 47: watch yourself today
donna mills 47: it comes in strange ways
donna mills 47: pay backs for what you give out
Vicariance: and I may have already experienced the badness that balances my meanness here
Vicariance: or it may be in store
Vicariance: but you are so so very less important than you think you are
donna mills 47: watch yourself today
donna mills 47: you have enough self importance for all of us
Vicariance: and if you think that my being mean to you is worthing of anything significant coming to me, you are fooling yourself like you always do
donna mills 47: you'll see
donna mills 47: and you will remember me telling you
Vicariance: I'm sure I will.
donna mills 47: when something fucked up happens to you
donna mills 47: sorry
I always feel so unfulfilled and frustrated after a fight with her. I always wish I was better at just placating her and letting it go. But anger can so well up. Ah well.
Anyway my mother decided to read through my journal yesterday. I'm very surprised that she did because there's no doubt she would find my thoughts on most things to be very boring and often incomprehensible. But she apparently endured until she came to the some posts where I quote my favorite IM conversations with her. She responded poorly. Commenting with hurt borne of insecurity. And I felt bad about it. But she continued and as she became more hurt she began to blame me and then attacked me.
This morning, she IMed me for a fight. I've had countless of these kinds of fights with my mother since what I call my entry into independence (around middle school), when I realized that my mother wasn't the god-figure she played herself up to be. It's impossible to win a fight with her because she whimsically converts anything into an expression of insecurity, misguidance, or ignorance. She has an answer for everything and is always right, and backed up by god. Read it if you want, but it's not pretty. I got very angry and was brutal. Nobody can rile me like my family can.
donna mills 47: are you happy that i'm sitting here crying my heart out because my son is mean
donna mills 47: are you going to post this one too
donna mills 47: i only want to love you, but you make it difficult
Vicariance: I AM NOT SORRY
Vicariance: fuck you for making me feel guilty
donna mills 47: you are a mean "mother-fucker" The term was made for you. You're an alergicly fat pill popping alcoholic with high blood pressure and you will get the same "fuck you" that you said to me. What a dickhead to say "Fuck You" to me.
Vicariance: good day.
donna mills 47: post that
Vicariance: it's not funny [Alright it's pretty damn funny.]
Vicariance: you're rarely funny when you try
donna mills 47: neither are you
Vicariance: but often very funny when you try to be serious
donna mills 47: God Bless Kim
Vicariance: yeah go ahead and attack me in those slippery roundabout ways of yours
donna mills 47: that was no attack
donna mills 47: all truth
Vicariance: you have no idea what an attack is
Vicariance: even though you do it all the time
donna mills 47: you have no idea what anything is
donna mills 47: you attack and then you accuse me
Vicariance: I did not start this but yes, I have retaliated
donna mills 47: yes you did
Vicariance: no, you're the one who overreacted and accused me of wrongdoing
donna mills 47: "sorry you're hurting" would have been the kinder thing to do [say]
donna mills 47: but you are never kind to me
donna mills 47: NEVER!
donna mills 47: you make up stuff when you can't think of anything mean to say about me
Vicariance: I am never kind to you?
Vicariance: fuck you again
Vicariance: go away.
donna mills 47: you'll get paid back from the universe for those words
donna mills 47: and you can expect it soon
donna mills 47: sad
Vicariance: I'm looking forward to it
Vicariance: oh great cosmic laserbeam
Vicariance: burn me to a cinder
donna mills 47: you'll see
donna mills 47: when you're hurting over something, think of how you hurt others
donna mills 47: i don't have to punish you or anyone because the universe takes care of those details
donna mills 47: you have more fear in you than anyone i know
donna mills 47: guess you won't tell me when you get paid back
donna mills 47: i just know it
donna mills 47: you get what you give
Vicariance: I believe in balance
donna mills 47: watch yourself today
donna mills 47: it comes in strange ways
donna mills 47: pay backs for what you give out
Vicariance: and I may have already experienced the badness that balances my meanness here
Vicariance: or it may be in store
Vicariance: but you are so so very less important than you think you are
donna mills 47: watch yourself today
donna mills 47: you have enough self importance for all of us
Vicariance: and if you think that my being mean to you is worthing of anything significant coming to me, you are fooling yourself like you always do
donna mills 47: you'll see
donna mills 47: and you will remember me telling you
Vicariance: I'm sure I will.
donna mills 47: when something fucked up happens to you
donna mills 47: sorry
I always feel so unfulfilled and frustrated after a fight with her. I always wish I was better at just placating her and letting it go. But anger can so well up. Ah well.