The End of the Game - Revised
Title: The End of the Game - Revised
Author: vicar_dibley
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Seven
Disclaimer: The characters and lyrics I used do not belong to me. I just had to write the story and play with them.
Spoilers: None
Summary: Endgame story
Notes: The mistakes are all mine. English is not my first language but I hope you like it anyway. Comments are very welcome.
THE END OF THE GAME
The soft hiss of the door made Captain Janeway turn around on the couch in the mess hall to see the Admiral stepping through. It was still a little unsettling to see herself that way, older with snowy white hair and softer forms. Her thoughts were interrupted by the Admirals voice.
“I miss this view. I miss the atmosphere of excitement on the bridge. Today brought back a lot of memories.”
“Pleasant ones I hope”, Captain Janeway replied.
The Admiral studied Janeway`s face for a long moment before she answered. “Most of them. This day was quite a revelation for me.”
“How so?”
“Today I realised, really realised, why I am doing this.”
If the Captain was surprised by this admission, she didn’t show it, she merely suggested, “For the crew I suppose.”
The Admiral snorted bitterly: “Always the good Starfleet officer, with high selfless intentions, aren’t we?”
Janeway was a little taken aback by the harshness of the words, spoken like an insult. “If not for the crew, for whom? Chakotay, Tuvok?”
“I wish it was that noble but I’m afraid you would be disappointed if you knew the truth. If you don’t already know it by now.”
Now the Captain was really confused, “What the hell are you talking about?”
The Admiral looked her in the eyes, her own gaze a tired and rather sad one: “You really don’t know, do you? Always everything for the others, never anything for yourself. I’m sure you don’t want do hear the reasons for my actions. Maybe it’s better that way. Good night, Captain.”
When the Admiral turned to leave, Captain Janeway got up with a speed that even surprised herself. She grabbed the Admiral’s upper-arm, turned her around. Her eyes blazing with confusion, anger and impatience.
“You owe me”, the Captain demanded.
“I owe you nothing”, the Admiral replied with forcefulness. Looking into the Captain’s eyes the Admiral found something she herself had dearly missed for so long. Pride, passion and a healthy amount of arrogance.
With a sudden change of mind the Admiral motioned for the Captain to sit back down, taking a seat herself on the table in front of the Captain. The Admiral took a deep breath and with an unusual softness looked into the Captain’s eyes. She wasn’t sure, if the Captain was ready to face the truth. Maybe so or maybe not. But it was too late, there was no way out, she had to tell her. And maybe the good Captain would be able to make the right decisions.
“I am waiting”, the Captain’s voice snapped the Admiral out of her musings.
“Impatient as ever”, the Admiral grinned.
“Well, dear Captain”, the Admiral began, “every part of the puzzle is right in front of you. All you have to do now is putting the pieces together. I’m sure you can already see the whole picture. Look inside your heart and you will find the answers you are searching for.”
Rolling her eyes at the Admiral’s mysterious speech, the Captain’s frustration reached an unsettling point.
“Quit talking in riddles!” Captain Janeway hissed at her older self.
“Come on, Kathryn”, the Admiral laughed, “you know why I am doing this. Why you are doing this. I am absolutely sure that you can exactly pinpoint the moment you made your decision to follow through with my plan, even if it is against everything you believe in.”
“Which moment would that be?” Janeway asked hesitantly.
“Oh, please, don’t play coy with me. I am you, remember? But I don’t want you to become me. So you tell me!” Admiral Janeway demanded.
Looking into the Admiral’s compassionate eyes, Captain Janeway finally recognised the truth in those eyes, her eyes. Blue, with a hint of grey and a distinct trace of sadness. Sadness, because of opportunities never taken, sadness because of possibilities lost forever. Of course the Captain knew exactly when she had made up her mind. How could she not? Janeway could even recall all the emotions she had felt at that very moment. Fear, angst, loneliness and guilt, but most of all heart stopping fear.
Gazing at her hands, neatly folded in her lap, the Captain softly whispered: “At the very moment you told me that she would die.”
“Life without her would be a living hell”, the Admiral admitted, “as was my life throughout the past twenty years. Even knowing that she will be with someone else is better than a lifetime knowing she will never walk through your door again.”
Sighing heavily the Admiral continued: “So you see, the only reasons I am doing this are pure selfish ones. All the time I’ve tried to convince myself that I was doing this for Chakotay. I really believed it but today, when she walked through the doors of sickbay, I knew I did what I did only for myself. Not even for her, I am afraid.”
“I know”, the Captain agreed with a soft voice, “but in the end, she is the reason for everything. She is our destiny, our fate. When we found her, we finally found what we’ve always been looking for all those years. She is the answer to all our questions.”
In another part of Voyager a conversation took place quite similar to the one between the Captain and the Admiral. It seemed as if this evening was the evening of long hidden truths. Looking at Seven from the other side of her working console in cargo bay two, Chakotay asked: “Why didn’t you tell me, what the Admiral told you?”
“About what?” Seven replied.
“Oh, I don’t know. How about you and your death two years from now.”
“It is none of your concern.”
Snorting with sarcasm, Chakotay couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “None of my concern, my ass. We are dating, getting close and your death is nothing to worry about for me?”
“That is correct”, Seven answered crisply.
“Then why the hell are we dating? Can you even answer that?” Chakotay demanded desperately.
“You fit all the necessary requirements of a suitable mate”, Seven informed him, without a trace of emotion in her voice.
Now he was beginning to get the whole picture. Seven was dating him because she thought that’s what’s expected, not what she wanted. He got the nagging feeling he knew what she really wanted, or rather whom, even if Seven herself, didn’t know, not now as it was. There was only one person onboard Voyager, who could force Seven to show real passion, and it certainly wasn’t him. If he was honest with himself Chakotay had to admit that he couldn’t blame Seven for what she had done. He had been doing something quite similar.
“This isn’t some logical problem you can solve like a computer malfunction”, Chakotay explained.
Heaving a sigh, Chakotay took Seven’s elbow and guided her towards the dais of her alcove to sit down and talk about the illogical dynamics of love.
“I prefer to stand”, Seven objected.
“Humour me.” Chakotay said with a smirk, waving at the spot next to him.
Relenting to his request, Seven sat down beside him. Her back ramrod straight, her eyes focused on him, waiting for another lecture in human behaviour.
`Oh, boy´ he thought, `this is going to get tough. How the hell does the Captain do this?´
“Love is not like a program for the computer”, Chakotay explained patiently.
“Explain!”
“Let’s try it from a different angle! Why don’t you answer me a few questions?”
“Proceed!” Seven nodded her consent.
“Suppose I wouldn’t have been available, who else would you have chosen as your mate?”
“Nobody”, Seven answered truthfully.
“How so?” Chakotay was really surprised, maybe he was wrong after all.
“Because, as I stated before, you were the only suitable male on board.”
“I see”, Chakotay was slowly getting the whole picture. “So, if I wouldn’t have been approachable you wouldn’t have started considering a relationship at all?”
“No.”
“Why? I mean, you don’t even love me. Seven, what is really behind all this?”
Sighing in frustration, Seven wasn’t sure how to phrase her thoughts and feelings.
“Let me rephrase that. Why don’t you broaden your parameters of your research?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said male, what about the females on Voyager? Have you considered them?”
Seeing Seven’s confusion, Chakotay found his fears confirmed.
“Obviously not. Oh, Seven.”
“I wasn’t aware it was a possibility. The Doctor never mentioned it.”
“Of course not”, Chakotay snorted “he is in love with you. That way he thought he could have a chance with you. Never realising that there is only one person for you, ever will be. Nobody will ever stand a chance.”
“How do you know?” Seven asked.
“I have eyes and I have ears but I refused to acknowledge what was right in front of me all the time. But I believe I am not the only one.”
“Chakotay...”, Seven didn’t know what to say, to soothe the hurt she detected in his voice.
Smiling at her Chakotay didn’t want her to worry. “It’s all right Seven. Just tell me Seven, did you really never consider it?”
“I did but the Doctor’s teachings sprung in, reminding me what is appropriate and what is not. There were times when I thought it was tearing me apart. Sometimes I thought I could not stand the pain. To want her and love her so much and not being allowed to act on my feelings.”
“I’m sorry Seven.”
“Do not be. I believe I would not have stood a chance even if I knew it was appropriate. Her ideals would have prevented it all along.”
Considering this for a moment, Chakotay realised he had to agree with Seven`s insightful conclusion of the situation.
“So”, the Admiral finally asked, ”what are you going to do?”
“Do?”
Sighing desperately the Admiral continued, “Yes, what are you going to do? Now that you were finally able to accept a certain truth.”
“Nothing”, the Captain insisted stubbornly.
With a swift motion, surprising the Captain, the Admiral rose from her seat, went around the table, gripped the Captain by her arms and forced her to look into her angry face.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Didn’t you listen to anything I’ve been telling you?”
Getting rid of the Admiral’s hands, the Captain got up and put some distance between them.
“What can I do? She has already made up her mind. She is with Chakotay, she chose him not me.”
“Are you so sure about that?” Admiral Janeway asked.
“You yourself made that very clear.”
Shaking her head at the Captain’s ignorance, the Admiral decided to reveal everything. She really should have known better. Her younger self was absolutely stubborn. Maybe the whole truth was necessary after all. It was still time to change the future, to prevent the Captain from becoming who she was.
“I didn’t. Tell you the whole truth, I mean.” Turning her back to the Captain, looking out into the star streaked space, the Admiral put her arms around her middle, to prevent herself from a cold only she could feel. A cold that always came when she was wandering down memory lane, remembering her biggest regret and failure.
“Believe me Captain, it’s not too late. There is still time. That’s why I’m here. Because I don’t want you to become me. An empty shell, full of regrets and sorrow. Tired of life and this endless loneliness. When I lost her that day, I lost myself. There was nothing left worth living for. From that moment on I merely existed. Believe me Captain, you don’t want to become me.”
“But why do you think there is still a way…”
“Because she told me that she loved me”, the Admiral finally admitted.
“When, how…” the Captain breathed.
Turning to face the Captain and revealing all the sadness and emptiness in her eyes the Admiral said: “When she died.”
No longer able to stand up straight the Captain sat down again and with a barely audible voice she demanded: “Tell me!”
“I was there, in sickbay. Chakotay was still on the planet, the situation was still not under control.”
Taking a pause before she continued, the Admiral took her seat across the Captain and went on.
“I was holding her hand, I told her to hold on. But it was too late, she was dying and she knew it. She asked me to lean down, that way it was easier for me to hear her speak. I’ve never forgotten the look in her eyes, what I saw there. It was amazing. Do you know what it was?”
Shaking her head, even tough she suspected the truth the Captain was still reluctant to admit it.
“Love”, the Admiral confessed “her love for me. It was clearly visible in her beautiful eyes, her face. That was the moment I could no longer hold it back, I started to cry. For all the lost years because of my cowardice. Years of missed opportunities. I cried for a love I never allowed myself to experience. I had failed both of us. I should have told her what I felt because I had the words when she didn’t. But I let her walk away without a fight.”
Lifting her eyes the Admiral saw tears running down the Captains cheeks.
“When she saw my tears she brushed them away and she told me not to cry. I still remember every word she had said as if it had been only yesterday.”
Brushing the tears from the Captain’s cheeks, Seven looked at her with all the love she finally knew was always Kathryn’s and nobody else’s. Chakotay, she had known for a long time now, was a substitute for what she was sure she couldn’t have. For the only love that has ever been in her heart.
“Please, Kathryn. Do not cry.”
“Seven?”
“Kathryn, please. It will be alright. There is just one thing I want you to know Kathryn. I will always be thankful for everything you did for me. Never doubt that. But most of all I want you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will. This will never change. I am sorry, Kathryn, so sorry. I love you. It has always been you. Always.”
“Do you finally understand?” the Admiral asked.
“I do”, the Captain answered.
“You know Seven, maybe it is your turn”, Chakotay was encouraging her.
“I do not understand what you mean”, Seven was puzzled.
Pointing a finger at her he stated: “Actions speak louder than words. The ball is in your court so to speak. The sceptre rests in your hands.”
Seven was obviously confused by his words, so he tried to explain.
“Captain Janeway is a woman of action. In the case of our good Captain I would presume words won’t be sufficient. They will never be enough to open her eyes and in turn reveal her true feelings for you.”
“Do you think Captain Janeway really reciprocates my feelings?” Seven asked hopefully.
Feeling his heart going out to Seven, Chakotay took her hands and said: “Believe me Seven, if I know one thing for sure then that Captain Janeway really and truly is in love with you. I dare say that she honestly fell in love with you the very moment she laid her eyes on you. I also believe that it’s the true reason the Admiral is here. Because of you, she loves you Seven. She always did, you can see it in her eyes, it is written all over her face.”
Remembering her first encounter with the Admiral in sickbay Seven knew with a sudden certainty that everything Chakotay just said was the absolute truth. Relieving that moment she knew it has been there. In the Admiral’s eyes, in her voice. Seven could still hear the older woman’s throaty voice and the way she had said her name. Just `Seven´, nothing else for a short eternity. The look in her eyes spoke volumes. It had been full of sadness, pain, regret unveiled joy, but most of all love. The only love she ever wanted and so carelessly let slip away.
With a clarity she had never felt before, Seven knew that she was the only one who could make that sadness and endless longing go away or never let it happen at all.
All their preparations were going according to schedule. Voyager has already been adapted to the devices brought by the Admiral. Every officer of the command staff was instructed and every member of the crew knew what was going to come and what their ultimate goal would be. In just a few hours, if everything happened exactly like planed, they would be back home in the Alpha Quadrant. Facing the Borg again was worth the risk, of that the whole of Voyager’s crew was convinced.
Having finished their last preparations, it was the Captain’s task to administer the virus to the Admiral.
“See you in the future”, the Captain departed the Delta flyer and found Seven patiently waiting outside.
“Seven, what’s wrong”, asked a rather surprised Janeway when she spotted the young woman.
“Nothing that I am aware of, Captain”, Seven answered in her usual crisp voice, “I wanted to ask for your permission to speak to the Admiral one last time.”
“Of course, Seven”, Janeway granted.
Nodding her head curtly Seven was entering the flyer when she heard the Captain’s voice “See you on the bridge Seven. Don’t be late!”
“I would not dare.” Seven answered with a playful smirk
That smart reply caused the Captain to laugh heartily. The sound of Janeway`s laugh warmed Seven to her very core and broadened her smile. After she heard the closing of the hangar doors Seven finally entered the flyer.
She found the Admiral in the pilot’s seat. Her snow white hair radiant in the dim light of the flyer.
“Admiral”, Seven said softly, so she wouldn’t startle the older woman.
“Seven”, a surprised Admiral turned in her chair.
“May I speak with you before you depart?”
“Certainly, Seven.”
Nearing the Admiral, Seven decided it was best if she was on eye level with Janeway for what she had to tell her, so she kneeled down in front of Janeway.
Kneeling before the Admiral she looked into Janeway`s eyes, finding there all the feelings she knew she would. Seven carefully took one of the Admiral’s hands into her mesh covered one. When she did so, she heard a sharp intake of breath but Janeway didn’t withdraw her hand.
“Adm.. Kathryn I came to thank you. For what you said about real life and about love. You were right, I was denying myself a real life and real love. But so were you Kathryn.”
“I was, wasn’t I”, the Admiral ruefully admitted.
“I am so sorry, Kathryn. I wish I could make your pain, your sadness, your loneliness go away”, Seven said, lying her human hand against Janeway`s cheek. Lovingly she brushed away the sole tear that ran down the Admiral’s face.
“You do, my heart, you will.” Touching Seven’s face and tenderly stroking her hair the Admiral went on “It is me who should be sorry, Seven. You have done nothing to be sorry for. You always were the person I wanted you to be. But me, I scarcely ever was who you needed me to be.”
“Do not say that, Kathryn. You were exactly how I wanted you to be. Stubborn, arrogant, wise, caring, strong, compassionate, considerate and full of passion for what you believe was the right thing to do and endlessly patient with a drone who refused your guidance, your help, your advice and sometimes even your friendship.”
“You never were a mere drone to me”, the Admiral disagreed. “But I must admit that you were quite a challenge. That’s what I loved the most about you. You would stand toe to toe with me, never afraid to voice your opinion.”
“I know you never regarded me as a mere drone, Kathryn. Not even when I was still Borg. I will never understand why.”
“Maybe”, the Admiral tried to explain, “because the very moment you stepped down from that cube everything became so clear to me. Why I was stranded in this godforsaken quadrant, why I was meant to be there. It was because of you. It had to be me, it was my fate. I guess it was just then when I fell in love with you.”
“Then I was right? You do love me?” Seven whispered.
Putting her finger under Seven’s chin, the Admiral lifted her head to look into Seven’s eyes when she answered.
“Yes, my darling, I do love you. You are my everything. And I foolishly threw away my chance for the only love that could have made me complete.”
“I love you too, Kathryn. I really do.”
Feeling the weight of the last twenty years, all the despair and loneliness lifted from her shoulders and banished from her heart, the Admiral pulled Seven into her arms, holding her tightly. Never wanting to let her go, she whispered soothing words into Seven’s ear.
“I know you do, darling. I know and so does the Captain.”
Finally holding Seven an arm’s length away she put her hand on the back of Seven’s head, asking for permission. “May I?”
Seven, knowing exactly what she meant, granted it gladly. “Yes, please.”
Taking out the pins that kept Seven’s hair in a tight bun, the Admiral was pleased when she saw it fall down her back. The Admiral thought she looked even more beautiful with her hair flowing freely.
“Seven, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” Suddenly shy the Admiral hardly dared to ask: ”Would it be all right if I kissed you?”
“Please, Kathryn”, was all Janeway needed. Taking Seven’s face into her hands, Janeway tenderly brushed her lips over Seven’s fuller ones. Savouring their taste and texture. Becoming more bold, Janeway started to softly stroke Seven’s lips with her tongue, requesting entrance which was granted, accompanied by a low moan. Admiral Janeway felt as if she was drinking from the well of life, quenching a thirst that has so long been tormenting her. She wished this moment would never end.
When the Admiral ended their passionate, yet loving kiss, she forcefully embraced Seven whispering into her ear.
“It’s your turn now. Janeway knows you love her but she is still convinced that she doesn’t deserve your love. That she can’t give you everything you need. She is afraid to hurt you and to be hurt. You have to make her accept that she does deserve you.”
“I will, Kathryn.”
“I know you will, darling.”
“It’s time to go now”, the Admiral finally ended their embrace.
Touching Seven’s face for the last time the Admiral said: “I see you in the future, my heart. I love you.”
Kissing Janeway softly Seven departed the flyer. “I love you too, Kathryn. I always will.” Brushing a stray tear from her cheek, Seven made her way to the bridge now knowing exactly what she had to do.
The Admiral had made her promise come true. They were finally home. Staring in awe at the view screen where she could see Earth in all her beauty brightly displayed, Kathryn Janeway handed the command over to Commander Chakotay to bring them into Earth’s orbit. Sitting down in her chair, Janeway felt light headed. All the weight of her responsibilities for her crew, to bring them home, was finally lifted from her shoulders. For the first time in seven years she felt truly at ease.
When she heard the Captain handing over the command to Chakotay, Seven knew it was the right moment. Leaving her station, she descended the few stairs to the command level. Standing in front of the Captain’s chair Seven held out her hand to Janeway, waiting for her to take it and be helped up from her seat.
Looking at Seven, Kathryn knew precisely what Seven was asking. Seeing all the love and devotion Seven felt for her in the younger woman’s eyes Kathryn took the offered hand and was easily lifted out of her chair.
Still holding on to Kathryn’s hand Seven did what the Admiral had asked her to, to make Kathryn see what she deserved.
“Cap.. Kathryn, please believe me when I tell you that you do deserve love and that you are everything I need and so much more. There is no doubt in my mind, Kathryn, that it is you I love and I always will. Nobody else.
What I’m asking for is that you need me. I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes.
I want to be the touch you need every single night. I want to be your fantasy and be your reality and everything between.
I want you to need me like the air you breathe. I want you to feel me in everything.
I want you to see me in your every dream, the way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you.
I want you to need me like I need you.
I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul.
I want to be the world to you, I just want it all.
I want to be your deepest kiss, the answer to your every wish.
I am all you ever need and I need you to never, never let me go.
And I need to be deep inside your heart I just want to be everywhere you are.
All I am asking of you, and I hardly ever asked anything of you, is that you do not run away. Please, do not, for me and for yourself.”
Janeway looked through tear clouded eyes and with a low voice she finally spoke the truth of her heart.
“Seven, I love you too. I really do. Believe me when I say that I will not run. Ever. You are my everything. You are the one. I love you, my heart.”
Lowering her head, Seven kissed Kathryn right in front of the entire bridge crew, not caring in the slightest. Only Kathryn existed at the moment, nobody else. It was a kiss of devotion, love and a promise of what was going to come.
THE END