Spinning
Long time since I wrote here . . .
Have a lot spinning on in my head.
It seems I keep marching forward to be tripped up at some unknown point. I feel like some unknown force is punishing me for breaking down and stepping out of the right path. I choose not to dwell, it brings me lower.
Somehow can help but feel like I am going in circles. The punch in life boils down to some sad reduction. I long for the excitement, not the stupidity of my teen years. It makes for some good drinking stories at least.
Not the best time to watch a movie like "Prozac Nation." I remember being at my breaking point and how it could easily spin out of control back into the uneasiness and self-doubt. You are your worst enemy.
I recount all the things I promise myself. "I'll eat better." "I'll exercise." "I'll stop smoking." I lie to myself and pretend that this all the way things were supposed to go/to be. I look for some strange sign from the universe to confirm or deny my next chess move in the game of life.
I look at my manipulative, scheming mother who has washed her hands of me in many ways, the alternatives don't seem much better. She's a dried-out hippie wrapped up in her own nightmare that she just can't let go of so she chooses to buy and save for what, I don't know an beautify everything around her except herself. I see her carbon copy consumed with the satellite earth, revolving around Planet Lisa. And as I sit back and judge I wonder what goes in between their ears when they look at me and judge me.
Sometimes I feel so utterly alone. I long for more but feel it falling away like sand through slotted fingers. It's the brain unsettled in the wee hoiurs of the evening, I know it intellectually. Emotionally I feel crippled at this moment in some ways, anxious to move ahead in the next breathe.
Have a lot spinning on in my head.
It seems I keep marching forward to be tripped up at some unknown point. I feel like some unknown force is punishing me for breaking down and stepping out of the right path. I choose not to dwell, it brings me lower.
Somehow can help but feel like I am going in circles. The punch in life boils down to some sad reduction. I long for the excitement, not the stupidity of my teen years. It makes for some good drinking stories at least.
Not the best time to watch a movie like "Prozac Nation." I remember being at my breaking point and how it could easily spin out of control back into the uneasiness and self-doubt. You are your worst enemy.
I recount all the things I promise myself. "I'll eat better." "I'll exercise." "I'll stop smoking." I lie to myself and pretend that this all the way things were supposed to go/to be. I look for some strange sign from the universe to confirm or deny my next chess move in the game of life.
I look at my manipulative, scheming mother who has washed her hands of me in many ways, the alternatives don't seem much better. She's a dried-out hippie wrapped up in her own nightmare that she just can't let go of so she chooses to buy and save for what, I don't know an beautify everything around her except herself. I see her carbon copy consumed with the satellite earth, revolving around Planet Lisa. And as I sit back and judge I wonder what goes in between their ears when they look at me and judge me.
Sometimes I feel so utterly alone. I long for more but feel it falling away like sand through slotted fingers. It's the brain unsettled in the wee hoiurs of the evening, I know it intellectually. Emotionally I feel crippled at this moment in some ways, anxious to move ahead in the next breathe.