Goddamnitall
School is about learning. Sometimes what we learn are between the lines, between classes, whether in homework or in socialization. But sometimes what we need most is a guiding hand, and damnit, I need that hand. I don't have much choice regarding school; I stay in school, I do as well as I can, and I graduate, and I pray to all the dark gods that I don't have a nervous breakdown at the wrong time and screw myself out of survival money.
At this very instant, I don't care whether or not I'm being weak or indecisive. I don't care if I'm doing something wrong. But if I'm freaking out about assignments that have due dates and I don't have them done because I'm not sure what to do, something's wrong. Is it on my end? Maybe. Am I completely at fault? Probably not. I need to feel like I can talk to my professor without the shame of being a bad student; I'm not a bad student because I want to learn, regardless of how I feel about my actions. I may be a poor performer; but I'm working on that.
And maybe my pacing needs change, maybe I can't handle this one extra class on top of everything else. I need to discuss that with my professor, and I will, and damnit my phone died so I can't right now, which is frustrating me and I'm ready to cry but I didn't get enough sleep last night to cry. If that makes sense to other people I'm amazed. At the moment I'm holding myself together with sheer willpower worn down by lack of sleep; sleep that my own mind deprived of me because I was making every effort to sleep and could not.
This started out cohesive and is going down from there. I'm ending this before the rest of me evaporates.
At this very instant, I don't care whether or not I'm being weak or indecisive. I don't care if I'm doing something wrong. But if I'm freaking out about assignments that have due dates and I don't have them done because I'm not sure what to do, something's wrong. Is it on my end? Maybe. Am I completely at fault? Probably not. I need to feel like I can talk to my professor without the shame of being a bad student; I'm not a bad student because I want to learn, regardless of how I feel about my actions. I may be a poor performer; but I'm working on that.
And maybe my pacing needs change, maybe I can't handle this one extra class on top of everything else. I need to discuss that with my professor, and I will, and damnit my phone died so I can't right now, which is frustrating me and I'm ready to cry but I didn't get enough sleep last night to cry. If that makes sense to other people I'm amazed. At the moment I'm holding myself together with sheer willpower worn down by lack of sleep; sleep that my own mind deprived of me because I was making every effort to sleep and could not.
This started out cohesive and is going down from there. I'm ending this before the rest of me evaporates.