(no subject)
Fuck it... no sense bottling it up. On here, anyways. Anyone reading this is warned to go do something less erratic and odd. Yeah, this is on public. I don't care.
Yeah. I think if I met Spike I'd let everything happen to me, right down to the ugly details in my head. *smiles softly* And nobody reading this even know who the hell Spike is. Well, they're better to not know. One hint: it ain't the guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - he'd be good news compared to this Spike.
I don't want to dream any more. I'm not going to go to bed tonight. I'm seriously not. 'Course I decided that long ago anyways.
"She says I'm only telling half of it... probably 'cuz there's only half worth telling."
I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I can barely stand to be around people right now, let alone over 130 of them tomorrow. Damnit. If I could go back in time and change the things I've done, I'd probably eliminate ever having gone to the QfG board, and I'd probably eliminate going to school in Rochester.
I won't say it's been nothing but hurt because that's a bloody lie. It's just that... I don't like what I'm turning into. The goddamn tears that are trickling down my face right now - why do I have to be such a f-ing wuss? - would never even have happened if I could change things.
I'd probably still be at my current skill level. And I'd probably be happier... or less unhappy, rather. "Hands on the mirror / Can't get much clearer / Can't make this all go away." *closes her eyes and struggles to center herself*
I hate the sort of stability I've reached. Yeah, I'm not going to kill myself or anyone else anytime soon, I'm not going to go breaking laws, and I don't think I'm going to get any worse or go insane or anything like that. It's not going to happen, just plain isn't. I know who I am and what I would and wouldn't do. If I was going to kill myself, I'd just go do it. I'd plan it well, and I wouldn't call anyone or warn anyone or threaten it. I'd probably say everything to everyone that I haven't said, though there's only one person who've I really left things unsaid things to - and I'm not sure I'd tell him, anyways. But like I said, I'm not going to kill myself - and not because of anyone, either. A couple promises I've made in the past I consider no longer binding due to... circumstances.
At the same time... I pretty much know I can never go above a certain level of contentment / happiness. Not without certain things from... someone, which WILL NOT happen. I don't care about anything to speak of & nothing is enjoyable. The only reason I've been burying myself in my coding is it's an excellent way for me to keep myself occupied and still keep going on. Screw that, it's the ONLY way - 'cuz I can still listen to my music. Well. Movies helps, too. And Star Trek. Damn... I stopped crying for a second and now it started up again. I don't even know WHY I'm crying. There's a first. Well. I could probably figure it out if my brain wasn't so muddled.
I'm tired of myself. Constantly wondering if I'm doing the "right" thing - there is blasted right thing - constantly feeling jealous and intimidated whenever someone trespasses on my "territory" - which is huge, so that's a lot. God f-king damnit... Anytime people who appear perfectly happy or content or whatever come onto a forum I had just gotten used to being on, then I instantly retreat - because they always immediately seem to be right at home and have fun, whereas I *still* can't do that in any of the forums I go to. Not a one. I should just stop going to them altogether. How the hell can I get rid of this stupid insecurity? I don't even understand it -! I know I'm smart (hell, I have a low opinion of almost everyone else's intelligence compared to mine, in general, of course there are exceptions), I know I can be sexy, I know I'm beautiful even though I haven't really been feeling it lately, I know I'm creative & intelligent & all that good crap. So why am I still insecure?
I'll answer that. I'm too dependant on people... the very objects of my current... aversion. Without them, I have no hope of ever being even moderately happy. Without feeling loved, I can't even climb out of the negative numbers. I know this. And I have never, ever genuinely felt loved. It maybe is true, but my mind is to conflicted so I can't sort out what I really believe and what's true (and I'm pretty sure those are at odds). I look at other people who're lavished attention or obviously wanted around - and I think, deep down where I can't get rid of the thought, "hey... THEY'RE loved. I'm not. What the fuck am I doing wrong?"
It may or may not be my imagination. Intellectually speaking, it is because "logic" says this, that, and the other signs means I am. Heart-wise... I just don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm less than second on most people's - maybe everyone's - list... you know, the ranking of importance-to-me thing. (yeah, I know it's possible for people to be tied). It's just that... words mean absolutely nothing to me in this regard. Nothing. People have tried to tell me again and again that they love me or care about me or whatever, but I don't believe them because from my perspective, their actions either don't uphold that or else directly contradict it. One person in particular.
God-damn I'm hard to please... hell, I don't blame people if all this crap is true. I can't see how someone would ever like me once they saw all the shit that goes on in my mind. That's what happened to so many of my relationships in the past, I'm pretty sure (I'm using relationships in the broad sense, not romantice). Two of them in particular.
I think I'm losing my funny side... it's turning into a morbid sarcasm if it's there at all. Just read Omega! - okay, so you can't unless I send you the file.
I've got to find some way to release my frustrations. I need to have a better outlet for my violent side, which I currently keep heavily guarded under lock and guard. I can't do it during a fight at school because I always still restrain a little bit, except for that fight with Andy not too long ago. And I just can't play violent games because it's not enough. It's like sex... you can't really get satisfacition unless you actually do it.
And yeah, sexually speaking I need a release for that... although that's currently impossible for me. I can't just have sex with anyone for the first time, and I don't mean for any moral reason - I just wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be terrified, I wouldn't enjoy it, and I'd lock up like I do with everything else - leading to not being able to do it. Not willingly, anyways. It'd be way too easy for someone to just force the issue, too. I'd just do the same thing I always do when I'm actively resisting being emotionally hurt... retreat into myself, draw into a little cell, and just let 'em do whatever the hell they want. *shakes head at herself* Sometimes I disgust myself.
Ah yes... that brings me back to relationships. I'm going to avoid them until such a point as one bangs me over the head with itself - or I meet someone who might be a decent candidate - or I'm feeling better. Christ, at this rate I'm going to be a virgin forever. (That won't happen). I make a horrible girlfriend, anyways. I'll just settle with just Spike for now. Abusive and insane or not, it's still nice to have someone who otherwise fits the bill exactly and is crazy about me - doesn't matter that he's completely contained in my mind. *smiles sadly at herself* It's odd the amount of comfort that the world in my head gives me... especially considering all the crappy things that happen.
Wow, I'm good. Mom just came in to ask me how much Vitamin C was in her bottle, asked me why I've been crying, and I managed to say completely normally that I'd gotten something in my eye. She was convinced without even thinking twice about it. Eh, okay, not that much of a feat I 'spose. *eyeroll @ self* At least I *have* stopped crying, though, that's good.
You know what I want right now? - Of course you do, you're reading on. You wouldn't keep reading on if you didn't want to know. Or maybe you're just bored or caught up in it and don't give a fuck. Anyways. I want to be in a band, I really do. I want to help someone write some songs, and then I want to sing them, and I want to have a good time performing them, and I want to grow close to the people in the band. It would be a way of possibly getting money, and I'd be able to drown myself in it. I'd probably get to learn the guitar, too. It'd be nice to progress beyond a crappy version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Heh.
okay, I'm tired of typing. I'll go rant some more later.
Yeah. I think if I met Spike I'd let everything happen to me, right down to the ugly details in my head. *smiles softly* And nobody reading this even know who the hell Spike is. Well, they're better to not know. One hint: it ain't the guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - he'd be good news compared to this Spike.
I don't want to dream any more. I'm not going to go to bed tonight. I'm seriously not. 'Course I decided that long ago anyways.
"She says I'm only telling half of it... probably 'cuz there's only half worth telling."
I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I can barely stand to be around people right now, let alone over 130 of them tomorrow. Damnit. If I could go back in time and change the things I've done, I'd probably eliminate ever having gone to the QfG board, and I'd probably eliminate going to school in Rochester.
I won't say it's been nothing but hurt because that's a bloody lie. It's just that... I don't like what I'm turning into. The goddamn tears that are trickling down my face right now - why do I have to be such a f-ing wuss? - would never even have happened if I could change things.
I'd probably still be at my current skill level. And I'd probably be happier... or less unhappy, rather. "Hands on the mirror / Can't get much clearer / Can't make this all go away." *closes her eyes and struggles to center herself*
I hate the sort of stability I've reached. Yeah, I'm not going to kill myself or anyone else anytime soon, I'm not going to go breaking laws, and I don't think I'm going to get any worse or go insane or anything like that. It's not going to happen, just plain isn't. I know who I am and what I would and wouldn't do. If I was going to kill myself, I'd just go do it. I'd plan it well, and I wouldn't call anyone or warn anyone or threaten it. I'd probably say everything to everyone that I haven't said, though there's only one person who've I really left things unsaid things to - and I'm not sure I'd tell him, anyways. But like I said, I'm not going to kill myself - and not because of anyone, either. A couple promises I've made in the past I consider no longer binding due to... circumstances.
At the same time... I pretty much know I can never go above a certain level of contentment / happiness. Not without certain things from... someone, which WILL NOT happen. I don't care about anything to speak of & nothing is enjoyable. The only reason I've been burying myself in my coding is it's an excellent way for me to keep myself occupied and still keep going on. Screw that, it's the ONLY way - 'cuz I can still listen to my music. Well. Movies helps, too. And Star Trek. Damn... I stopped crying for a second and now it started up again. I don't even know WHY I'm crying. There's a first. Well. I could probably figure it out if my brain wasn't so muddled.
I'm tired of myself. Constantly wondering if I'm doing the "right" thing - there is blasted right thing - constantly feeling jealous and intimidated whenever someone trespasses on my "territory" - which is huge, so that's a lot. God f-king damnit... Anytime people who appear perfectly happy or content or whatever come onto a forum I had just gotten used to being on, then I instantly retreat - because they always immediately seem to be right at home and have fun, whereas I *still* can't do that in any of the forums I go to. Not a one. I should just stop going to them altogether. How the hell can I get rid of this stupid insecurity? I don't even understand it -! I know I'm smart (hell, I have a low opinion of almost everyone else's intelligence compared to mine, in general, of course there are exceptions), I know I can be sexy, I know I'm beautiful even though I haven't really been feeling it lately, I know I'm creative & intelligent & all that good crap. So why am I still insecure?
I'll answer that. I'm too dependant on people... the very objects of my current... aversion. Without them, I have no hope of ever being even moderately happy. Without feeling loved, I can't even climb out of the negative numbers. I know this. And I have never, ever genuinely felt loved. It maybe is true, but my mind is to conflicted so I can't sort out what I really believe and what's true (and I'm pretty sure those are at odds). I look at other people who're lavished attention or obviously wanted around - and I think, deep down where I can't get rid of the thought, "hey... THEY'RE loved. I'm not. What the fuck am I doing wrong?"
It may or may not be my imagination. Intellectually speaking, it is because "logic" says this, that, and the other signs means I am. Heart-wise... I just don't know. I'm pretty sure I'm less than second on most people's - maybe everyone's - list... you know, the ranking of importance-to-me thing. (yeah, I know it's possible for people to be tied). It's just that... words mean absolutely nothing to me in this regard. Nothing. People have tried to tell me again and again that they love me or care about me or whatever, but I don't believe them because from my perspective, their actions either don't uphold that or else directly contradict it. One person in particular.
God-damn I'm hard to please... hell, I don't blame people if all this crap is true. I can't see how someone would ever like me once they saw all the shit that goes on in my mind. That's what happened to so many of my relationships in the past, I'm pretty sure (I'm using relationships in the broad sense, not romantice). Two of them in particular.
I think I'm losing my funny side... it's turning into a morbid sarcasm if it's there at all. Just read Omega! - okay, so you can't unless I send you the file.
I've got to find some way to release my frustrations. I need to have a better outlet for my violent side, which I currently keep heavily guarded under lock and guard. I can't do it during a fight at school because I always still restrain a little bit, except for that fight with Andy not too long ago. And I just can't play violent games because it's not enough. It's like sex... you can't really get satisfacition unless you actually do it.
And yeah, sexually speaking I need a release for that... although that's currently impossible for me. I can't just have sex with anyone for the first time, and I don't mean for any moral reason - I just wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be terrified, I wouldn't enjoy it, and I'd lock up like I do with everything else - leading to not being able to do it. Not willingly, anyways. It'd be way too easy for someone to just force the issue, too. I'd just do the same thing I always do when I'm actively resisting being emotionally hurt... retreat into myself, draw into a little cell, and just let 'em do whatever the hell they want. *shakes head at herself* Sometimes I disgust myself.
Ah yes... that brings me back to relationships. I'm going to avoid them until such a point as one bangs me over the head with itself - or I meet someone who might be a decent candidate - or I'm feeling better. Christ, at this rate I'm going to be a virgin forever. (That won't happen). I make a horrible girlfriend, anyways. I'll just settle with just Spike for now. Abusive and insane or not, it's still nice to have someone who otherwise fits the bill exactly and is crazy about me - doesn't matter that he's completely contained in my mind. *smiles sadly at herself* It's odd the amount of comfort that the world in my head gives me... especially considering all the crappy things that happen.
Wow, I'm good. Mom just came in to ask me how much Vitamin C was in her bottle, asked me why I've been crying, and I managed to say completely normally that I'd gotten something in my eye. She was convinced without even thinking twice about it. Eh, okay, not that much of a feat I 'spose. *eyeroll @ self* At least I *have* stopped crying, though, that's good.
You know what I want right now? - Of course you do, you're reading on. You wouldn't keep reading on if you didn't want to know. Or maybe you're just bored or caught up in it and don't give a fuck. Anyways. I want to be in a band, I really do. I want to help someone write some songs, and then I want to sing them, and I want to have a good time performing them, and I want to grow close to the people in the band. It would be a way of possibly getting money, and I'd be able to drown myself in it. I'd probably get to learn the guitar, too. It'd be nice to progress beyond a crappy version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Heh.
okay, I'm tired of typing. I'll go rant some more later.