INFP The Dreamer Part Two
INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.
INFP Strengths
Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:
- Warmly concerned and caring towards others
- Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
- Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
- Deep capacity for love and caring
- Driven to meet other's needs
- Strive for "win-win" situations
- Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
- Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
- Able to express themselves well
- Flexible and diverse
INFP Weaknesses
Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:
- May tend to be shy and reserved
- Don't like to have their "space" invaded
- Extreme dislike of conflict
- Extreme dislike of criticism
- Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
- May react very emotionally to stressful situations
- Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
- Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
- Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
- Perfectionist tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
- Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May
INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP's being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.
INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess. Most INFPs have a problem with reconciling their highly idealistic and romantic views of life with the reality of their own lives, and so they are constantly somewhat unsettled with themselves and with their close personal relationships. However, the INFP's deeply-felt, sincere love for their mates and their intense dislike of conflict keeps the INFP loyal to their relationships, in spite of their troubles achieving peace of mind.
Unlike other types who tend to hold their mates up on a pedestal, the INFP's tendency to do so does not really turn into a negative thing in the relationship. INFPs hold tightly to their ideals, and work hard at constantly seeing their mates up on that pedestal. The frequent INFP result is a strongly affirming, proud and affectionate attitude towards their mates which stands the test of time.
Sexually, the INFP is likely to be initially slow to open up to their mates. Once their trust has been earned, the INFP will view sexual intimacy as an opportunity for expressing their deep-seated love and affection. More than the actual sexual act, they will value giving and receiving love and sweet words.
One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. "TJ"s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ's attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP's fault.
For INFPs with extremely dominant Feeling preferences who have not developed their Intuitive sides sufficiently to gather good data for their decision making processes, their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict - which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships. Individuals who recognize this tendency in themselves should work on their ability to take criticism objectively rather than personally. They should also try to remember that conflict situations are not always their fault, and they're definitely not the end of the world. Conflict is a fact of life, and facing it and addressing it immediately avoids having to deal with it in the future, after it has become a much larger problem.
INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.
In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving partners who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.
Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFP's natural partner is the ENFJ, or the ESFJ. INFP's dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The INFP/ENFJ combination is ideal, because it shares the Sensing way of peceiving, but the INFP/ESFJ combination is also a good match. How did we arrive at this?
INFPs as Parents
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran
INFPs are "natural" parents. They accept and enjoy the parental role, seeing it as the natural extension of their value systems. They make use of the parental role for developing and defining their values further, and consider it their task to pass their values on to their children. They take their role quite seriously. Warm, affirming, and flexible, the INFP generally makes a gentle and easy-going parent in many respects.
INFPs do not like conflict situations, and will keep themselves flexible and diverse to promote a positive, conflict-free environment in their home. The INFP is not naturally prone to dole out punishment or discipline, and so is likely to adapt to their mate's disciplinary policy, or to rely on their mates to administer discipline with the children. In the absence of a mating parent, the INFP will need to make a conscious effort of creating a structure for their children to live within.
Although the INFP dislikes punishing others, they hold strong values and will not tolerate the violation of a strongly-held belief. If they feel that their child has truly committed a wrong, the INFP parent will not have a problem administering discipline. They will directly confront the child, stubbornly digging in their heels and demanding recourse.
The INFP parent is likely to value their children as individuals, and to give them room for growth. They will let the children have their own voice and place in the family.
Extremely loving and devoted parents, INFPs will fiercely protect and support their children. If there is an issue involving "taking sides", you can bet the INFP will always be loyal to their children.
INFPs are usually remembered by their children as loving, patient, devoted, and flexible parents.
INFPs as Friends
INFPs are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about other people's feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and lasting friendships. With their high ideals, they are likely to be drawn to other iNtuitive Feelers for their closer friendships.
With their strong need for harmony and dislike of conflict, INFPs may feel threatened by people with strong Judging and Thinking preferences. Although they're likely to be able to work well professionally with such individuals, they may have difficulty accepting or appreciating them on a personal level. They generally feel a kinship and affinity with other Feeling types.
INFPs will be valued by their confidantes as genuine, altruistic, deep, caring, original individuals.
Trust issues
“The INFP’s approach to every situation is to grant trust and respect from the outset. It then becomes yours to lose. It should be noted that if you violate an INFP’s loyalty or trust then you’re DONE! They will never trust you again. But this is unlike the “done with you” of an INTj or INFj. The INFP will still talk to you, they still listen to you. They will let you be part of their lives… but you’ll never ever regain that which you lost because by violating the trust and loyalty you burnt down the house it lived in [...] -the point being here that the only adage “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” holds true for the INFP. And, INFPs don’t like being fooled.
“INFPs may have difficulty sharing their feelings about others. They keep so many of those feelings inside that they may forget to tell their partner how much they love and appreciate them. They also need reminders of their partner’s love.”
“When things go wrong in a relationship, the INFP takes it to heart but does not readily discuss it with others. They may not be willing to communicate to let others know how they are feeling. When scorned, they are very hurt and may overreact in an almost maudlin way.”
Communicating with INFPs
Many INFPs prefer talking with people on a one-to-one basis, with an emphasis on human values, and with someone with whom they have established trust. They usually like the personal touch, so spend time getting to know them and what they find important. Other INFPs really enjoy and spend a great deal of effort writing long e-mails. INFPs generally want to be appreciated as individuals, someone unique, working for harmony and understanding. They want people to provide positive reinforcement as well as gentle criticism. INFPs like inspiring personal stories about how others have overcome adversity, as well as stories that have meaning. They usually want autonomy, and the freedom to choose goals they agree with. As with many Feeler types, they like to know how the information or plan will help people develop and reach their potential.
Areas to avoid when communicating with INFPs include being too logical, harsh, or critical. This can be an issue, since "too harsh" for an INFP might be "normal" conversation for other types. INFPs generally do not do well with rigid structures, hierarchy, or inflexible timelines. If you focus exclusively on what's "practical" or "obvious," you're sure to alienate most INFPs. It takes time to establish trust with them, particularly if you're highly task-oriented. INFPs react poorly when others try to control them. Conformity is rarely an INFP trait. Ignoring the personal or human side of an issue will also tend to aggravate INFPs. Likewise, they are unlikely to enjoy long, detailed discussions about routine matters, standard procedures, or minutiae. Another common error is to assume you understand the INFP's position on a subject without taking the time to listen to him or her.
They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life.
An INFPs Strengths are...
INFPs are sensitive and idealistic people, who strive for inner harmony. Devoted to the people and things they care deeply about, they can be loyal and empathetic friends. While they appear cool and even detached, INFPs have private feelings which are strong and passionate. They trust their personal reactions and perceptions and use their own set of values to rule their lives (1,2,7,8).
Curious about possibilities, INFPs enjoy all sorts of creative endeavors. Often insightful, they can be original thinkers who enjoy using their imagination to consider new ways of doing things. They can be very persuasive about their dreams and ideas, but only with people they trust, because they make such a personal investment in everything they do. Thoughtful and complex, INFPs are not especially interested in imposing their views on others but are very protective of their privacy and are highly selective about their friends (1,2,7,8).
INFPs are good at...
* accepting and valuing people as individuals, and being strongly egalitarian
* being energetic in projects they believe in and causes they care about
* being able to work alone, without a lot of supervision
* solving challenges as they arise in original and creative ways
* grasping difficult concepts with relative ease
* listening to, and engendering trust in, other people
* empathizing with the concerns and problems of others
* getting past the superficial and right to the meaning of issues
* being flexible, tolerant, and open-minded -- until one of their values is violated!
An INFPs Weaknesses are...
INFPs can lose themselves in a project and ignore the realities of life around them when working on a cause they believe in. They are sensitive to interpersonal tension and tend to avoid conflict whenever possible. They have trouble letting go of things and often hold grudges. Because they only see the good in the people they care about, they run the risk of being disillusioned and easily disappointed (1,2,7,8).
INFPs need to find creative ways of expressing themselves. They sometimes get off track with their projects because INFPs are not very realistic or logical. They often set impossibly high standards for themselves and are usually not willing to share their ideas until they believe everything is flawless. They can be oversensitive to criticism and tend to take things personally. Without outside reactions, they have difficulty making the necessary alterations and end up with unworkable or unfinished projects, and if they view these as failures, they may see everything as negative. INFPs need to ask for constructive advice and then be willing to listen to it with objectivity (1,2,7,8).
Things to watch out for...
INFPs feel internal turmoil when they find themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems even more alluring - but increasingly impossible to attain (1,2,7,8).
As with all NFs, the INFP will feel lost and perplexed at stressful times. As stress builds, INFPs become disconnected from their own personality and perceived place in life. They will lose sight of who they are in relation to time and place. They may not make basic observations, while instead they will focus on the more abstract and symbolic meanings of a particular interaction. This can sometimes baffle those who expect more direct communication and a fairly concrete relationship (1,2,7,8). Other concerns to watch for:
* becoming too perfectionistic, almost to a fault
* getting discouraged if contributions are perceived as being unappreciated
* being unrealistic in planning work schedules and making mistakes in fact
* developing a "control" problem when working in a group
* losing interest if control of projects is lost
* failing to see or understand anyone else's point of view and being unaware of how their behavior affects others
* becoming exhausted from competition
* not making the effort to organize projects that aren't original
* in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst
Part 1: http://vi0lentserenity.livejournal.com/83049.html