The Truth Unfolds
Alright so I figure it's time to write an entry
that's
meaningful, heartfelt, but most of all truthful and honest. By writing
this I
will probably hurt, offend, and maybe infuriate some people, but that's
a
chance I'm going to take. It may also help some of those confused
people out as
well as make someone happy. I'm going to post this both in my
livejournal and my myspace blog just so the message gets out I guess.
So...here it goes.
First off, I realized last night (with the help of a new friend) that I haven't really been myself since high school. I used to be this person...this great person. Nice, honest, caring, bubbly person. Yea I had my bad days like everyone else, but it seems as those bad days have taken over my life completely since high school and I have inherited this fake identity (which is something I can't stand in other people, yet in a way, I am one myself). I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be the person that I was in high school, only more mature, older, and I'd like to think, a little more knowledgeable. I know that people reading this, especially those who think they know me, are thinking, “What in the hell is she talking about?” Well, I’m talking about me being me…the real me for once, not the fake me. I’ve had people mention that I’m not the same person with everyone. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to be completely comfortable with myself around everyone. For the past few years, I’ve been molding myself to fit other people’s standards and perceptions of me. When you first meet a person, you assume certain things about them whether you like it or not and whether they are true or not. I’ve come to realize that instead of proving people’s assumptions of me wrong, I just go with the flow, and prove them to be right. I don’t want to, and I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to be the person who molds themselves to fit society’s standards and mediocrity. I don’t want to be the person that is just average and makes themselves that way because it’s what society wants. I don’t want to be that, because I’m not that person. I’m not just another replica of the average 18 or 19 year old girl. Maybe on the outside I am because you can only do so much to change your appearance to make yourself stand out, and I’m not trying to make a fashion statement or dress like a lunatic. But on the inside, I’m so much more than the average 19 year old. I have deeper thoughts, more opinions, and I am not the depressed “Oh my God my parents are stupid and I hate my life because I have to go to college and I can’t move to Hollywood and become a famous actress” type of girl, or person for that matter. It’s weird for me to think that I’ve been hiding under this shell for the past few years. That I haven’t been honest with myself. I have been becoming what society wants me to become…what my peers, friends, and boyfriends (ex boyfriends, whatever) want me to be. I have become what THEY want, not what I AM. And that bothers me…it bothers me a lot. From now on, I’m being the real me. I’m being the person that I am with when I am around the guy that inspired this all.
I know that recently I’ve lost a lot of trust from people because of some things I’ve done. I don’t want to put the situation out there for the entire world to know, because it’s not really everyone’s business. I want to apologize to those certain people for lying because I felt as if I was too nice of a person to just say no or tell the whole truth. I tend to tell white lies so I don’t hurt people’s feelings. Not the white lies that you tell when your friend asks if she looks fat in a bathing suit. I tell the white lies that may not hurt people right then, but could eventually lead to pain and hurt feelings. I refuse to do that anymore. I know that through life, there is pain and happiness. Everyone (no matter how much you refuse to believe it) causes both. Right now, everyone is causing someone to be happy, whether it’s in thought or person, and everyone is causing someone to be in pain, whether it’s in thought or person. I’ve come to realize that I can’t make everyone happy no matter how hard I try. It’s never going to happen because I can’t split myself into 10 or 20 different Me’s. I’m only one person, and that’s all I’ll ever be. No one can please everyone in the world, no matter how hard they try. So I’m going to stop lying to myself and lying to others to keep from hurting their feelings. No, I’m not saying I want to or am going to hurt people intentionally; I’m just not going to tell those white lies anymore. At the beginning of this semester, one of my professors asked if white lies were necessary and useable in life. Yes, they are useable, and some may find them necessary, but they aren’t a good thing unless you mean to do well with them. Telling someone that you have feelings for them or keeping someone around as a just in case person is NOT good. Those are the white lies that hurt and cause pain, more pain than just telling the truth.
I suppose you could call this turning over a new leaf, even though this whole time, all of me has been inside, I’ve just never let it out for anyone (well hardly anyone…) to see. I guess sometimes it takes that one person, no matter who they are, where they are from, or how long you’ve known them, to make the good part come out. In a way, this sounds bad because it makes it seem like I’m saying I don’t know any good or honest people and that I think everything before this point in my life was worthless. I’m not saying that at all. It sometimes just takes change…something or someone different to make the good come out. To make something actually take place. And for me, the time is now. I can’t go on living in a huge lie, being the person that everyone wants me to be (except me). Most of this sounds scripted and rehearsed, but it most definitely wasn’t. I am a truly happy person, not depressed, not upset over little things, and certainly not “hardcore” (haha, you know what I’m referring to). I’m a person who is slowly coming out, being the person that SHE wants to be. Not molding myself to fit what everyone else feels that I should be.
Ok, well this was really long, but apparently it only took me about 15 minutes to type it all up. Yea, as you can tell, I had a lot on my mind. I’m glad that I finally got it all out and I feel about a thousand times better. Better than I have in the past few years of my life actually. Thank you so much.
First off, I realized last night (with the help of a new friend) that I haven't really been myself since high school. I used to be this person...this great person. Nice, honest, caring, bubbly person. Yea I had my bad days like everyone else, but it seems as those bad days have taken over my life completely since high school and I have inherited this fake identity (which is something I can't stand in other people, yet in a way, I am one myself). I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be the person that I was in high school, only more mature, older, and I'd like to think, a little more knowledgeable. I know that people reading this, especially those who think they know me, are thinking, “What in the hell is she talking about?” Well, I’m talking about me being me…the real me for once, not the fake me. I’ve had people mention that I’m not the same person with everyone. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to be completely comfortable with myself around everyone. For the past few years, I’ve been molding myself to fit other people’s standards and perceptions of me. When you first meet a person, you assume certain things about them whether you like it or not and whether they are true or not. I’ve come to realize that instead of proving people’s assumptions of me wrong, I just go with the flow, and prove them to be right. I don’t want to, and I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to be the person who molds themselves to fit society’s standards and mediocrity. I don’t want to be the person that is just average and makes themselves that way because it’s what society wants. I don’t want to be that, because I’m not that person. I’m not just another replica of the average 18 or 19 year old girl. Maybe on the outside I am because you can only do so much to change your appearance to make yourself stand out, and I’m not trying to make a fashion statement or dress like a lunatic. But on the inside, I’m so much more than the average 19 year old. I have deeper thoughts, more opinions, and I am not the depressed “Oh my God my parents are stupid and I hate my life because I have to go to college and I can’t move to Hollywood and become a famous actress” type of girl, or person for that matter. It’s weird for me to think that I’ve been hiding under this shell for the past few years. That I haven’t been honest with myself. I have been becoming what society wants me to become…what my peers, friends, and boyfriends (ex boyfriends, whatever) want me to be. I have become what THEY want, not what I AM. And that bothers me…it bothers me a lot. From now on, I’m being the real me. I’m being the person that I am with when I am around the guy that inspired this all.
I know that recently I’ve lost a lot of trust from people because of some things I’ve done. I don’t want to put the situation out there for the entire world to know, because it’s not really everyone’s business. I want to apologize to those certain people for lying because I felt as if I was too nice of a person to just say no or tell the whole truth. I tend to tell white lies so I don’t hurt people’s feelings. Not the white lies that you tell when your friend asks if she looks fat in a bathing suit. I tell the white lies that may not hurt people right then, but could eventually lead to pain and hurt feelings. I refuse to do that anymore. I know that through life, there is pain and happiness. Everyone (no matter how much you refuse to believe it) causes both. Right now, everyone is causing someone to be happy, whether it’s in thought or person, and everyone is causing someone to be in pain, whether it’s in thought or person. I’ve come to realize that I can’t make everyone happy no matter how hard I try. It’s never going to happen because I can’t split myself into 10 or 20 different Me’s. I’m only one person, and that’s all I’ll ever be. No one can please everyone in the world, no matter how hard they try. So I’m going to stop lying to myself and lying to others to keep from hurting their feelings. No, I’m not saying I want to or am going to hurt people intentionally; I’m just not going to tell those white lies anymore. At the beginning of this semester, one of my professors asked if white lies were necessary and useable in life. Yes, they are useable, and some may find them necessary, but they aren’t a good thing unless you mean to do well with them. Telling someone that you have feelings for them or keeping someone around as a just in case person is NOT good. Those are the white lies that hurt and cause pain, more pain than just telling the truth.
I suppose you could call this turning over a new leaf, even though this whole time, all of me has been inside, I’ve just never let it out for anyone (well hardly anyone…) to see. I guess sometimes it takes that one person, no matter who they are, where they are from, or how long you’ve known them, to make the good part come out. In a way, this sounds bad because it makes it seem like I’m saying I don’t know any good or honest people and that I think everything before this point in my life was worthless. I’m not saying that at all. It sometimes just takes change…something or someone different to make the good come out. To make something actually take place. And for me, the time is now. I can’t go on living in a huge lie, being the person that everyone wants me to be (except me). Most of this sounds scripted and rehearsed, but it most definitely wasn’t. I am a truly happy person, not depressed, not upset over little things, and certainly not “hardcore” (haha, you know what I’m referring to). I’m a person who is slowly coming out, being the person that SHE wants to be. Not molding myself to fit what everyone else feels that I should be.
Ok, well this was really long, but apparently it only took me about 15 minutes to type it all up. Yea, as you can tell, I had a lot on my mind. I’m glad that I finally got it all out and I feel about a thousand times better. Better than I have in the past few years of my life actually. Thank you so much.