TALES OF INTEREST!
It's important to me that I remember shit accurately and exactly as it happened. With that in mind, m'friends, I give you…
The past week of my life
Last Sunday: Jesus and I visited a haunted amusement park. Then Frank Stallone came to kick it for a minute, before he flew off in his spaceship. I believe I also ate a muffin. And of course, watched a lot of the free midget porn that comes in the mail. S’not too great, but whatelse’m I gonna do? That muffin was good though.
Monday: I don’t know why, but I woke up on a rollercoaster. Great America’s The Grizzly, to be exact. I hate that fucking ride, too many bumps. I stayed on it the whole day though. Then I went home around 10 and filled my bathtub with sand.
Tuesday: Every Tuesday is Bring Your Penis to Work Day, in my eyes. Seeing as how I have neither a job nor a penis, I stood out on the street corner to sing my favourite Christian hymns. Seeing as how I don’t know any Christian hymns and I hate the idea of them in general and I’m an idiot, I just got drunk in the gutter.
Wednesday: Wednesday afternoon I taught myself to read. By 7pm I had forgotten everything. You’d think it was all downhill from there, but you’re right!
Thursday: I celebrated Columbus Day 18 days late by having a fantastic picnic at Cuesta Park. There were elephants and balloons and party hats and... I’m sorry I didn’t invite any of you people.
Halloween: For Halloween, and like any day in general, I dropped acid. Needless to day, I didn’t get much done aside from delivering a set of twins and buying a homeless man a new wardrobe and setting him up in a hotel for the week.
Saturday: You know those packing peanuts, the biodegradable kind you can eat? I ate my weight in those things. It was for charity. Also I found 20 dollars on the street. Not a 20 dollar bill mind you, but 20 individual dollars. Now that’s luck!
Sunday: I woke up around 11 eating my pillow. I brought it down to my lab to do some tests on what made it so goddamn delicious and got sidetracked by a talking bunny in the hallway. It asked me to follow it, so I did. It led me to a room in my house I had never seen before. I spent the night there eating cotton candy from the bottomless cotton candy machine and watched the robots mud wrestle. I would have loved to stay there forever but the whole place vanished in a puff of blue smoke shortly after midnight.
Today: I woke up depressed about the vanishing of the wonderful room but eventually got dressed and took a walk around my neighborhood. I tried to find various friends to come with me but no one was available. So alone I walked, thinking of memories past and the top worst things I’d ever gone through. I named so many that were worse than today that I felt better.
The past week of my life
Last Sunday: Jesus and I visited a haunted amusement park. Then Frank Stallone came to kick it for a minute, before he flew off in his spaceship. I believe I also ate a muffin. And of course, watched a lot of the free midget porn that comes in the mail. S’not too great, but whatelse’m I gonna do? That muffin was good though.
Monday: I don’t know why, but I woke up on a rollercoaster. Great America’s The Grizzly, to be exact. I hate that fucking ride, too many bumps. I stayed on it the whole day though. Then I went home around 10 and filled my bathtub with sand.
Tuesday: Every Tuesday is Bring Your Penis to Work Day, in my eyes. Seeing as how I have neither a job nor a penis, I stood out on the street corner to sing my favourite Christian hymns. Seeing as how I don’t know any Christian hymns and I hate the idea of them in general and I’m an idiot, I just got drunk in the gutter.
Wednesday: Wednesday afternoon I taught myself to read. By 7pm I had forgotten everything. You’d think it was all downhill from there, but you’re right!
Thursday: I celebrated Columbus Day 18 days late by having a fantastic picnic at Cuesta Park. There were elephants and balloons and party hats and... I’m sorry I didn’t invite any of you people.
Halloween: For Halloween, and like any day in general, I dropped acid. Needless to day, I didn’t get much done aside from delivering a set of twins and buying a homeless man a new wardrobe and setting him up in a hotel for the week.
Saturday: You know those packing peanuts, the biodegradable kind you can eat? I ate my weight in those things. It was for charity. Also I found 20 dollars on the street. Not a 20 dollar bill mind you, but 20 individual dollars. Now that’s luck!
Sunday: I woke up around 11 eating my pillow. I brought it down to my lab to do some tests on what made it so goddamn delicious and got sidetracked by a talking bunny in the hallway. It asked me to follow it, so I did. It led me to a room in my house I had never seen before. I spent the night there eating cotton candy from the bottomless cotton candy machine and watched the robots mud wrestle. I would have loved to stay there forever but the whole place vanished in a puff of blue smoke shortly after midnight.
Today: I woke up depressed about the vanishing of the wonderful room but eventually got dressed and took a walk around my neighborhood. I tried to find various friends to come with me but no one was available. So alone I walked, thinking of memories past and the top worst things I’d ever gone through. I named so many that were worse than today that I felt better.