(no subject)
there has been way too much crying as of late.
i haven't been on in forever.. actually, the only thing i've been really doing is playing WoW 24/7. i guess i have just been trying to push back all these dreadful thoughts and memories and feelings.
i hung out with leo today. we got presents for landon and then ran into cody at kaladi's! i forgot how much i enjoy human interactions sometimes. really i've been pretty gloomy all break. scratch that.. all semester.
things that have made me cry
-my mother telling me that my grandmother loves my other two cousins more and that i'm not worth it
-school
-gabe crying
-school
-stephanie's funeral
-school
-gabe punching me until it hurts so much i can't help but
-andy
-terence's funeral
-gabe leaving me
-being taken advantage of (physically, emotionally) since i became more scared of confrontation- i am quite the idiot
-being severely cussed at
basically i've lost most any of the self-esteem i once had. i honestly have no self-confidence anymore.. i want to get out of mines.. i need to go somewhere else. but i'm scared.. i don't want to apply to wash u or any schools where i deserved to go last year because i couldn't stand another rejection letter. sometimes i just want to sleep all day.. i wish everything would just disappear. any confidence i have comes and goes in a snap. poor zach's had to deal with that for quite some time. honestly i've been leaning on him so much. he's practically the only person i talk to at school and almost the only one i truly appriciate. josh is pretty cool as well.. but that's pretty much it.
i don't know. i just don't believe in myself anymore. any maybe it's because i'm so unbalanced. i've gotten upset at the most random of things, and maybe it's because i have no other outlet. doing math and science all day pretty much blows. i don't think i want to be an engineer.. but then what else could i do? there are so many other options it's hard to narrow them down. either way i think i really do need a balance. maybe doing art will help me feel better. and maybe i will make friends in these art classes next semester. coming home i've realized that most of my good friends from high school are the more creative art types. maybe i relate better with them? honestly i would love to minor in painting if i could. the more i think about it the more i don't want to be an engineer.
and maybe what i need right now is more human interaction. andy hasn't called since we hung out before christmas. but that's to be expected i suppose. i haven't seen gabe since steph's funeral/memorial.. i have mixed feelings and i'm a bit worried about calling him. except for when i get to see zach, i've felt very alone during break. and school will be horrible as well, except that i'll be out of here again. i really appriciate clayton always randomly calling me just to talk. i've tried doing that with others but maybe i just have bad timing. or maybe i just don't matter anymore. who knows.
and maybe i just should stop feeling sorry for myself and get my butt into gear. i need to starting workinhg harder again. yes. it's about time i do.
EDIT: I SHOULD NOT DRINK COFFEE AT 6 PM!!! IT IS NOW 6 AM AND I AM WIDE AWAKE. AHHHH!
i haven't been on in forever.. actually, the only thing i've been really doing is playing WoW 24/7. i guess i have just been trying to push back all these dreadful thoughts and memories and feelings.
i hung out with leo today. we got presents for landon and then ran into cody at kaladi's! i forgot how much i enjoy human interactions sometimes. really i've been pretty gloomy all break. scratch that.. all semester.
things that have made me cry
-my mother telling me that my grandmother loves my other two cousins more and that i'm not worth it
-school
-gabe crying
-school
-stephanie's funeral
-school
-gabe punching me until it hurts so much i can't help but
-andy
-terence's funeral
-gabe leaving me
-being taken advantage of (physically, emotionally) since i became more scared of confrontation- i am quite the idiot
-being severely cussed at
basically i've lost most any of the self-esteem i once had. i honestly have no self-confidence anymore.. i want to get out of mines.. i need to go somewhere else. but i'm scared.. i don't want to apply to wash u or any schools where i deserved to go last year because i couldn't stand another rejection letter. sometimes i just want to sleep all day.. i wish everything would just disappear. any confidence i have comes and goes in a snap. poor zach's had to deal with that for quite some time. honestly i've been leaning on him so much. he's practically the only person i talk to at school and almost the only one i truly appriciate. josh is pretty cool as well.. but that's pretty much it.
i don't know. i just don't believe in myself anymore. any maybe it's because i'm so unbalanced. i've gotten upset at the most random of things, and maybe it's because i have no other outlet. doing math and science all day pretty much blows. i don't think i want to be an engineer.. but then what else could i do? there are so many other options it's hard to narrow them down. either way i think i really do need a balance. maybe doing art will help me feel better. and maybe i will make friends in these art classes next semester. coming home i've realized that most of my good friends from high school are the more creative art types. maybe i relate better with them? honestly i would love to minor in painting if i could. the more i think about it the more i don't want to be an engineer.
and maybe what i need right now is more human interaction. andy hasn't called since we hung out before christmas. but that's to be expected i suppose. i haven't seen gabe since steph's funeral/memorial.. i have mixed feelings and i'm a bit worried about calling him. except for when i get to see zach, i've felt very alone during break. and school will be horrible as well, except that i'll be out of here again. i really appriciate clayton always randomly calling me just to talk. i've tried doing that with others but maybe i just have bad timing. or maybe i just don't matter anymore. who knows.
and maybe i just should stop feeling sorry for myself and get my butt into gear. i need to starting workinhg harder again. yes. it's about time i do.
EDIT: I SHOULD NOT DRINK COFFEE AT 6 PM!!! IT IS NOW 6 AM AND I AM WIDE AWAKE. AHHHH!