Taking a Walk, to Stop My Mind From Wandering...
Ever heard of the ideomotor effect? It's when you think something's moving randomly, pulling you, when actually it's just responding to your own little, subconscious movements. It's what's behind dowsing, or Ouija boards.
It's also my best explanation for what I did after dinner today.
After dinner, I went back to my room, pissed, put on my coat again, left the dorm, and started walking. And walking.
I walked for about a half-hour, in a zig-zag path back and forth across campus. I walked with no destinations, at least none I consciously imposed. I just walked. I went where my feet wanted to go. I ended up following a few familiar paths, and making up a few of my own.
Eventually, when I started feeling cold and slightly tired, I walked (in the same sense, feet not brain) back to my dorm.
The experience was...interesting. The feeling of lack of control, yet at the same time perhaps a more important control. My mind wandered while my feet vainly tried to get rid of my energy, my immobility, my frustration.
Frustration? I suppose you're starting to wonder: why did Matt take this mysterious, ideomotor or whatever he's calling it, more than a mite emo walk?
My reason is dumb.
It also scares me.
Suffice it to say that one thing I can't seem to deal with, that always hurts me, is the fact that there are experiences I will not have, skills I will not master, things I will not know. This basic human condition, this simple little thing that nobody seems particularly bothered by, this inescapable truth of existence, this bothers me. It bothers me that there are good things in the world, things that I might enjoy, classes for instance, but that I've chosen other things, things that may bring more enjoyment, but which nevertheless preclude me from doing everything. I want to do everything, know everything, be able to discuss everything. So when two friends discuss something I don't know about, that annoys me. That frustrates me. And I have no right, no reason, to feel frustrated. They're just people, communicating, having a conversation that I could still be part of. Why can't I accept what every single person in the world accepts, that there are things that you will see, and things that you will not? That there are good things beyond my own experience? Why can't I accept that? What's wrong with me that I can't just have a normal conversation without starting to feel frustrated, excluded, etc? What is wrong with me?
It's also my best explanation for what I did after dinner today.
After dinner, I went back to my room, pissed, put on my coat again, left the dorm, and started walking. And walking.
I walked for about a half-hour, in a zig-zag path back and forth across campus. I walked with no destinations, at least none I consciously imposed. I just walked. I went where my feet wanted to go. I ended up following a few familiar paths, and making up a few of my own.
Eventually, when I started feeling cold and slightly tired, I walked (in the same sense, feet not brain) back to my dorm.
The experience was...interesting. The feeling of lack of control, yet at the same time perhaps a more important control. My mind wandered while my feet vainly tried to get rid of my energy, my immobility, my frustration.
Frustration? I suppose you're starting to wonder: why did Matt take this mysterious, ideomotor or whatever he's calling it, more than a mite emo walk?
My reason is dumb.
It also scares me.
Suffice it to say that one thing I can't seem to deal with, that always hurts me, is the fact that there are experiences I will not have, skills I will not master, things I will not know. This basic human condition, this simple little thing that nobody seems particularly bothered by, this inescapable truth of existence, this bothers me. It bothers me that there are good things in the world, things that I might enjoy, classes for instance, but that I've chosen other things, things that may bring more enjoyment, but which nevertheless preclude me from doing everything. I want to do everything, know everything, be able to discuss everything. So when two friends discuss something I don't know about, that annoys me. That frustrates me. And I have no right, no reason, to feel frustrated. They're just people, communicating, having a conversation that I could still be part of. Why can't I accept what every single person in the world accepts, that there are things that you will see, and things that you will not? That there are good things beyond my own experience? Why can't I accept that? What's wrong with me that I can't just have a normal conversation without starting to feel frustrated, excluded, etc? What is wrong with me?