I can't even fathom forgiving myself for this.
My friends are really all that is left of my battered soul these days.
I finally regret something in my life.
Is that what i asked for?
I think it is.
Well, congratulations Vanessa.
You got what you wanted.
All worth it in the end I'm sure?
Travis is a bleeding heart.
But I have the bloody heart.
From my own doing, I took the knife and stabbed myself.
Of my own accord, I ripped out my soul.
Of my own decision, I pushed importance aside for fleetingness, and chose emptiness.
All that's left of me is blood and guts and tears and heartache.
For if I have said it a million times, it doesn't matter, guilt is the only emotion that I can't handle.
And it matters, I realize, and is of great importance, whether the guilt is warranted or not.
In this case, it is.
I have forever changed the course of history, for this I cannot forgive myself.
Respect for myself is officially gone.
I left it, somewhere along the beaten path, probably left next to something despicable and disgusting, laying there awake at night, waiting for a call it will never receive. Waiting to be rescued from the waste I have laid on it, the shame I have given it, forever haunted by the ease for which I tossed it aside. For the nothing I tossed it aside for.
I have experienced so much pain in my life.
No, this is not the point where I make excuses.
(a perfect opening line for excuses)
This is the point where I dabble in the irony of the fact that I just did to someone so close to me, what people have always done to me.
The deeper the bond, the deeper the cut. Ironically, a testimonial to the closeness of our friendship.
I'm an ass.
[SENT TO KRISTEN]
Way to go v.