i think
i'm really confused.
i used to be so tough, and strong, and independent. somehow I lost myself along this path of devestation. a waste? of 4 years of my life. or so i thought, but i realize that t is right and when you learn so much about yourself, it is not a waste.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
i think i really do need to delete my myspace. somehow i just can't bring myself to do it, i really dont know why.
I guess I should just stop going on it, because it only brings pain and sorrow, and i strong wish that his profile didnt say single anymore.
not that i have a right, i kicked him out. not that i didnt have to right to that, after what he did.
am i holding on to a relationship which is over? is it just doomed because we are such differnet people? am i just such a pussy now that i am afraid of being alone? do we live on different planets.
i used to think blake was such a naturally nice guy, but now i see that maybe he's really not.
but perhaps under the circumstances of a straining and stressful relationship, and all the fighting, no one is actually nice anymore.
but still... so many things left unforgiven, like the guy who kissed him, and the nights out drinking, and coming to eugene for 6 hours without telling me, and getting so drunk he defiles my bed. and all the things said that who knows if they were meant or not, but they had to have come from somewhere and therefore were said.
and all the anger and the apologies and the endless excuses.
how ccould that not ravage my mind after a long time.
and then, it is june. the month that we met, nearly a year ago. northfork. will i ever be able to go to northfork again?
it is funny, because people can be so ugly or so beautiful through how they act.
the most attractive person on the planet can be so revolting with their actions and their words.
i used to be so tough, and strong, and independent. somehow I lost myself along this path of devestation. a waste? of 4 years of my life. or so i thought, but i realize that t is right and when you learn so much about yourself, it is not a waste.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
i think i really do need to delete my myspace. somehow i just can't bring myself to do it, i really dont know why.
I guess I should just stop going on it, because it only brings pain and sorrow, and i strong wish that his profile didnt say single anymore.
not that i have a right, i kicked him out. not that i didnt have to right to that, after what he did.
am i holding on to a relationship which is over? is it just doomed because we are such differnet people? am i just such a pussy now that i am afraid of being alone? do we live on different planets.
i used to think blake was such a naturally nice guy, but now i see that maybe he's really not.
but perhaps under the circumstances of a straining and stressful relationship, and all the fighting, no one is actually nice anymore.
but still... so many things left unforgiven, like the guy who kissed him, and the nights out drinking, and coming to eugene for 6 hours without telling me, and getting so drunk he defiles my bed. and all the things said that who knows if they were meant or not, but they had to have come from somewhere and therefore were said.
and all the anger and the apologies and the endless excuses.
how ccould that not ravage my mind after a long time.
and then, it is june. the month that we met, nearly a year ago. northfork. will i ever be able to go to northfork again?
it is funny, because people can be so ugly or so beautiful through how they act.
the most attractive person on the planet can be so revolting with their actions and their words.