(no subject)
I don't know what to do.
I've gotten sick again, for the umpteenth time this whole school year.
I suppose this is only because ever since my aunt, uncle, and cousin moved in,
they've been sick. Day after day, they've been sick.
Now, at my house, at least one person is sick.
But even so... I used to never get sick.
That was one of my qualities. I had a high immune system, or something,
and that always made my mom happy, I guess.
She keeps telling me how she used to be glad that I never got sick as a child.
And now...
I'm both mentally and physically not at my best today.
I didn't want to cut school.
I didn't want to go home yesterday, but the nurses called home and made me.
If anything, I'd rather GO TO SCHOOL than be at home.
Being at home, everyone just yells and gets angry at me,at everything I do.
I tried to ask her where the lotion was for my eczema on my arm.
It got worst, there's cuts in it, so I need it bad...
Both of my parents kept telling me it was a jar on their sink.
I'm slow, just a bit... But I guess I'm really retarded or stupid, just like my mom says.
I tried asking her what it looked like, or what the brand was, just to be shure,
but I wasn't looking at it at all. There's a bunch of crap on her sink.
But they both kept assuming I was looking right at it, going "YEAH THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE!"
...I'm so fucking stupid. My mom says I'm stupid and my step-dad goes,
"No you're not, you just have a bad attitude"
What? Me asking you politely is having a bad attitude?
I didn't yell or fucking anything, I was just trying to make fucking shure of what it was.
I'm pretty goddamn positive attitude has nothing to do with it.
I'm just stupid because I don't fucking know what a jar is.
I was so frustrated at that, that I went back to my room and cried.
But shit.
I don't want to cry.
I'm even afraid of crying.
Because if they heard or saw me crying, they'd get angry.
They would ask why I was crying and then tell me not to,
either because
1.I'm 17 and I'm too fucking old to be crying
2.It's me having a bad attitude
3. It makes me crazy/immature/ect.
In fact, I can't cry in any situation.
My mom always calls me crazy/weird. She picks on me every time I cry,
because she always finds it ridiculous, in any given situation.
...Am I really 17? I just had a birthday but...
Age.
Age makes no difference for me. It never actually has. Once I had turned 13, celebrating my birthday all seemed pointless to me.
I suppose it was around then that I had stopped wanting parties.
From then on, I saw no difference in me...
No, actually, there is a difference. I grew, a lot, both physically and mentally.
...But for everyone else around me, there is no difference.
I don't know how they see me. Am I a child to them, or am I a teenager?
Am I an adult at all?
When I think of how they think of my step-sister, who just recently moved in with us,
at the beginning of the school year... I think they treat her way differently,
even though she is only a year older.
But she acts differently than me. She is your typical teenager, actually.
The teen who always wants to go out with friends, who always wears make-up,
who wants to be on her own already.
...I believe they actually see her as an adult already.
She gets in a lot of trouble with the parents, but...
I can't help be feel like she's already being seen as an adult,
while I...?
I'm still... Something.
I was left behind somewhere...
I'm confused as to where.
What am I?
I've gotten sick again, for the umpteenth time this whole school year.
I suppose this is only because ever since my aunt, uncle, and cousin moved in,
they've been sick. Day after day, they've been sick.
Now, at my house, at least one person is sick.
But even so... I used to never get sick.
That was one of my qualities. I had a high immune system, or something,
and that always made my mom happy, I guess.
She keeps telling me how she used to be glad that I never got sick as a child.
And now...
I'm both mentally and physically not at my best today.
I didn't want to cut school.
I didn't want to go home yesterday, but the nurses called home and made me.
If anything, I'd rather GO TO SCHOOL than be at home.
Being at home, everyone just yells and gets angry at me,at everything I do.
I tried to ask her where the lotion was for my eczema on my arm.
It got worst, there's cuts in it, so I need it bad...
Both of my parents kept telling me it was a jar on their sink.
I'm slow, just a bit... But I guess I'm really retarded or stupid, just like my mom says.
I tried asking her what it looked like, or what the brand was, just to be shure,
but I wasn't looking at it at all. There's a bunch of crap on her sink.
But they both kept assuming I was looking right at it, going "YEAH THAT'S IT RIGHT THERE!"
...I'm so fucking stupid. My mom says I'm stupid and my step-dad goes,
"No you're not, you just have a bad attitude"
What? Me asking you politely is having a bad attitude?
I didn't yell or fucking anything, I was just trying to make fucking shure of what it was.
I'm pretty goddamn positive attitude has nothing to do with it.
I'm just stupid because I don't fucking know what a jar is.
I was so frustrated at that, that I went back to my room and cried.
But shit.
I don't want to cry.
I'm even afraid of crying.
Because if they heard or saw me crying, they'd get angry.
They would ask why I was crying and then tell me not to,
either because
1.I'm 17 and I'm too fucking old to be crying
2.It's me having a bad attitude
3. It makes me crazy/immature/ect.
In fact, I can't cry in any situation.
My mom always calls me crazy/weird. She picks on me every time I cry,
because she always finds it ridiculous, in any given situation.
...Am I really 17? I just had a birthday but...
Age.
Age makes no difference for me. It never actually has. Once I had turned 13, celebrating my birthday all seemed pointless to me.
I suppose it was around then that I had stopped wanting parties.
From then on, I saw no difference in me...
No, actually, there is a difference. I grew, a lot, both physically and mentally.
...But for everyone else around me, there is no difference.
I don't know how they see me. Am I a child to them, or am I a teenager?
Am I an adult at all?
When I think of how they think of my step-sister, who just recently moved in with us,
at the beginning of the school year... I think they treat her way differently,
even though she is only a year older.
But she acts differently than me. She is your typical teenager, actually.
The teen who always wants to go out with friends, who always wears make-up,
who wants to be on her own already.
...I believe they actually see her as an adult already.
She gets in a lot of trouble with the parents, but...
I can't help be feel like she's already being seen as an adult,
while I...?
I'm still... Something.
I was left behind somewhere...
I'm confused as to where.
What am I?