Seven Years
We're Pretty
Originally uploaded by Vettha. See, the thing is that Karen and I? We were never supposed to last.
(Funnily enough, there are some people who still feel pretty strongly about that, I suspect.)
In the first weeks of our knowing each other, Karen sat me down and laid out her illnesses; her sarcastic/contrary nature; everything she could think of that she had done to undermine past relationships; the fact that she had built a family with P and their daughter and even if her relationship with P was over, they were still her family and would continue to be an incredibly active and important part of her life. (That last one was actually quite attractive. Anyone who's dedicated to their children and believes in the power of chosen family is worth knowing.)
She went over the illnesses almost obsessively. She wanted (needed) to be very sure that I understood that she was sick. Very sick. That she would never really get better. That in large part her illnesses are manageable, but that they do limit her in certain ways, and will always do so.
I told her quite frankly that I didn't know how well I would/could handle her illnesses.... that while I would hope to have that strength, I couldn't guarantee it. And also I doubted it would come to it because while she is emphatically monogamous, I'm deeply polyamorous. Also, while I'm certainly bisexual, "my attraction to women is fleeting at best" so while I very much enjoyed being with her, I was sure this wouldn't last. (Oh yes, I used that exact phrase. We both remember it.)
We were both going through horrid breakups from unhealthy relationships, and we agreed that we were each good for the other's egos. That we were healing and restorative for each other, and rebounding, so long as we were both conscious of it, wasn't such a bad thing. We agreed to enjoy each other for however long we continued to *be* good for each other, and then to part as friends and get on with our lives.
That was seven years ago.
We often laugh together about the point, about a year in, when we turned to each other in shock, "What? You're still here? Um....." At which point we had a very serious discussion about how and if we could actually make Us work in the long term.
And that is the social experiment we are still engaged in.
We've had plenty of mistakes, false starts and miscommunications... We've fallen into unhealthy patterns, and pulled each other out of them...
I still don't know if we can make this work forever.... but then I don't know that I believe anyone in any relationship who tries to say, "This is IT. Forever. We'll NEVER fuck this up."
I do know that we're both working on it. And working hard. And that's always been our base requirement - a relationship works as long as everyone involved works it.
(This feels so unfinished to me... but I think that's just because WE are still a work in progress.... So I'm posting it as it stands.)