(no subject)
chocnut asked me: honestly, nasasarapan ka ba magreminisce?. and my reply was:
yes and no.
yes, because there were moments that really felt good. i kind of have to remind myself that those years weren't all wasted time. that he loved me too. masakit kasi isipin na all the while ako lang ang nagmahal. i guess i miss the feeling of being loved. i felt loved. pero these memories are all marred by the revelations of his ex-girlfriend, the slut he'd been sleeping with while we were together.
no, hindi nasasarapan. it's still torture and kadiri when i remember na in between those great moments, he probably went to bang jhona someplace. para akong tinaihan sa ulo.
but everything is fading now. i can't remember what we talked about at night. i can't remember the jokes we laughed at. i can't remember his smell. i go around town now no longer searching for his car, not looking at every black sedan's plate number. i don't check his horoscope anymore. when my phone beeps, i'm no longer the tense girl who hoped that it would be him sending me a message or calling me.
after all that's happened, after all that i've found out, there's no way in hell that i would ever take him back. i am too disgusted to even let him breathe the same air i'm breathing. but the moving on takes time, as you must know. because even in our hatred there is still that tiny tinge of love: the little flicker of feeling that makes you praning/depressed/angry at the thought of him with his new girlfriend and being happy without you. our only hope is that time will douse the flame, or extinguish it as the air thins out. by that time, when we no longer care what they do or who they do, when we no longer whine or write or think about them for days on end, that's when we wouldn't even have to say we've moved on. because we'd have forgotten what and who we moved on from.
it's a tough thing to do. there's pressure from friends, family, and from yourself to let go. as for me, i'm not sure if i can say it out loud that i've already let go. it sure looks like i haven't. pero sa sarili ko lang, i know i've let go. i know. i feel myself not actively loving him anymore. it's just that right now, i'm in that free-falling stage, where my life is flashing before my eyes (that is, all my memories of him are being played back one by one in my mind), and i'm just biding my time before i land on that stable ground. (or crash. if that's how the universe wants it.)
yes and no.
yes, because there were moments that really felt good. i kind of have to remind myself that those years weren't all wasted time. that he loved me too. masakit kasi isipin na all the while ako lang ang nagmahal. i guess i miss the feeling of being loved. i felt loved. pero these memories are all marred by the revelations of his ex-girlfriend, the slut he'd been sleeping with while we were together.
no, hindi nasasarapan. it's still torture and kadiri when i remember na in between those great moments, he probably went to bang jhona someplace. para akong tinaihan sa ulo.
but everything is fading now. i can't remember what we talked about at night. i can't remember the jokes we laughed at. i can't remember his smell. i go around town now no longer searching for his car, not looking at every black sedan's plate number. i don't check his horoscope anymore. when my phone beeps, i'm no longer the tense girl who hoped that it would be him sending me a message or calling me.
after all that's happened, after all that i've found out, there's no way in hell that i would ever take him back. i am too disgusted to even let him breathe the same air i'm breathing. but the moving on takes time, as you must know. because even in our hatred there is still that tiny tinge of love: the little flicker of feeling that makes you praning/depressed/angry at the thought of him with his new girlfriend and being happy without you. our only hope is that time will douse the flame, or extinguish it as the air thins out. by that time, when we no longer care what they do or who they do, when we no longer whine or write or think about them for days on end, that's when we wouldn't even have to say we've moved on. because we'd have forgotten what and who we moved on from.
it's a tough thing to do. there's pressure from friends, family, and from yourself to let go. as for me, i'm not sure if i can say it out loud that i've already let go. it sure looks like i haven't. pero sa sarili ko lang, i know i've let go. i know. i feel myself not actively loving him anymore. it's just that right now, i'm in that free-falling stage, where my life is flashing before my eyes (that is, all my memories of him are being played back one by one in my mind), and i'm just biding my time before i land on that stable ground. (or crash. if that's how the universe wants it.)