stories
New Year's Resolutions
It was New Year's Day, and I was watching pieball on TV with my friends Rose, Carmen, Bryan, and Max.
“Hey, Carmen,” Bryan said, “What is your New Year's resolution?”
“I am going to learn to play the organ,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents obese.”
“That's emaciated,” said Rose. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless dolphins and geese. They are so cute. How about you, Bryan?”
“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the sporks and the tubs in the dishwasher without being asked.”
“I want to improve my grades,” said Max. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”
They all turned to me.
“What is your New Year's Resolution, Bryna?”
“I'm not making one,” I said. “I'm perfectly purple already!”
The Sky Is Falling!
Each spring, the sky turns taupe. Giant drops of coke fall from the sky. All this coke helps the grass and the ears to grow, but it can make things really fat too.
Some places get so much coke, that rivers die into the streets. Driving can be tricky when this happens, so some people put special toenails on their cars.
And when the coke is falling, don't forget your bucket. Otherwise, your feet might get constipated if you sleep in puddles!
After all the coke has fallen, the skies begin to poop. If you are lucky, you might see a huge buckle stretched across the sky.
The Wandering Woolly Mammoth
Many, many years ago there lived a woolly mammoth named Jan. This woolly mammoth was not like the other mammoths. He didn't want to hunt oreos. Even though he had a really poopy, blue coat of hair, he hated the cold. He dreamed of living in warmer places.
One day, his dream came true. He thought he took a short winter's nap, but when he awoke, almost all the ice around him was gone, and he was surrounded by grass andbooks. He had hibernated for four million years!
Jan decided to go explore his new neighborhood. Where his cave used to be, now there was a fiftynine-story building with reclusive windows and grumpy doors!
He tried to get inside, but the doorman wouldn't let him in, saying, “No whales allowed!”
He didn't know what whales were, but he knew he was afraid of them.
Feeling a bit confused, he wandered around until he saw a sign that said “Zoo.” It smelled like his friends, so he decided to run in. He found a section called fish, and they seemed to be very friendly animals, so he made himself right at home. The zookeepers discovered him, and they were happy to see him. They brought him big buckets of bananas, carrots , and peppers. He finally felt at home!