(no subject)
I just dont know what is wrong with me anymore. i am sure that at some level i still love him but it is what he means to me-what he embodies that i yearn. i like the idea of being married bc of what it means to me... security in knowing that no matter what happens they will be by your side and will not leave you. people are always leaving me for one reason or another. i am always left behind...
so i am on a downward spiral again. drinking and smoking, trying to fill in the gaps left behind but it is only water and smoke. feeling empty again knowing there is much more out there for me to grasp. i am too weak.
only boys interest me at the moment. they are my toys and i am aquiring new ones almost daily. but that is never enough, no one good enough to fill in all the holes.
so i am on a downward spiral again. drinking and smoking, trying to fill in the gaps left behind but it is only water and smoke. feeling empty again knowing there is much more out there for me to grasp. i am too weak.
only boys interest me at the moment. they are my toys and i am aquiring new ones almost daily. but that is never enough, no one good enough to fill in all the holes.