criminal minds - mystery of the missing video tape [picfic] 1/2
Title: Mystery of the Missing Video Tape (1/2)
Author: lysachan
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Word count: 1,862 / 50 images
Rating: R (for bad language)
Summary: A video tape containing scandalous material goes missing, much to Emily & JJ's dismay.
A/N: Okay, let me start by saying that I have absolutely no idea where this came from; I was playing around with screencaps and suddenly a fic was born. This definitely shouldn't be taken too seriously, and I promise to reduce my caffeine intake in the future.
Prologue
Meet Emily Prentiss. She's a highly trained FBI agent who could easily kill you with only tweezers as a weapon. She's also gayer than Ellen DeGeneres on speed, and my God, is that a low cleavage for a federal agent or what?
This is Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau. You shouldn't let her innocent looks fool you, because that gun attached to her hip? Most definitely loaded. That restraining order shall never be broken again, I'm just saying.
So, here's the deal, my precious readers: Emily is completely in love with JJ. JJ is head over heels in love with Emily. But because we need a cheesy, completely over-the-top plot for this story, they naturally haven't told each other about their feelings. That would just be too easy.
To make matters a tad more interesting, our protagonists did share a moment (okay, fine. They went at it like rabbits) a while back in one of Quantico's surprisingly spacious supply closets after having one too many in Hotch's "Proud to be Single Again" party.
The one thing they didn't take into account at the time, however, is that every single square feet in the building is monitored by security cameras.
That's right, Emily & JJ's little encounter was captured on tape, and that tape is just about to go missing. Poof! Gone.
Still with me? Well, let's recap:
Emily Prentiss = gay, cleavage and all.
Restraining order = totally uncalled for.
Emily & JJ = just do it already, but nowhere in Quantico, please.
Missing security tape = Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem!
Chapter I
It was like any other morning briefing at the BAU. Agents were milling about, Gideon looked like he'd just eaten a particularly sour lemon, and Hotch made a mark in his notebook that it was the 256th day since he'd last smiled.
Everything was good and cosy until JJ strode into the briefing room, looking downright frantic.
"We have a huge problem. A security breach. A video tape has gone missing, and we need to find it fast."
"A tape?" Morgan said incredulously. "We are the BA of the frigging U. How's that our case?"
Reid was thinking the same, but Morgan was always more eloquent with words, so he thought frowning for emphasis was good enough.
JJ was prepared to defend her decision.
"It's not just any tape," she began, glancing purposefully at Emily. "It's a security tape. From a certain supply closet on the third floor."
Dressed in an odd, flowery patterned shirt, Emily was confused. JJ was obviously trying to tell her something, the way her eyes almost popped out of their sockets, but...
...and then it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, shit."
"We need to get it back as soon as possible. I, personally, won't sleep until that tape is back in Quantico," JJ said vehemently and looked sharply at Morgan. "And not a word about that ostrich thing last year and me falling asleep on the backseat of Reid's car. That was totally different."
Morgan blinked, but remained silent. He knew better than to tease JJ when the blonde was this agitated. Reid was busy scribbling down a note for himself: remember to ask JJ for the $90 she owes me for the clean-up of the car. Plus $10 for getting rid of the itchy ostrich feathers in my coat. Oh, and buy milk.
"That tape must've contained top secret FBI material. Therefore, we need to move fast on this people," Hotch said. "The future of the world might depend on us."
Emily wanted to weep.
Somebody shoot me. Please?
Chapter II
While the team was waiting for Garcia to do her magic and find out where the team should be headed on their somewhat wild goose chase, Emily decided she needed a cup of coffee in order to ease her nerves.
Morgan was just pouring milk into his cup when Emily approached the coffee pot.
"Hey, what's up with JJ?" he inquired. "She was acting all weird in the briefing."
"What? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was probably just tried. Yes, that must be it. Why are you asking me? Why would I know anything? I don't know anything."
The silence was deafening before Morgan suddenly spoke: "Okay, cool!"
He started making his way back to the bullpen, and Emily felt horrible for lying to one of her best friends.
She knew she had to come clean at some point, otherwise she'd explode.
"It's me and JJ doing the horizontal tango on that tape!" she blurted. "Well, actually it was more vertical, but..."
"..."
Chapter III
It wasn't long after she told Morgan about the contents of the tape that Emily got paged to Hotch's office.
No matter what way she looked at it, it wasn't going to be good. But, unwilling to show her hand just yet, she got in and waited for Hotch to talk.
He went straight to the point.
"It has come to my attention that the tape we're after is, in fact, a tape of you and JJ in the supply closet during my 'Proud to be Single Again' party." Emily cursed under her breath. "As the team leader, me not knowing such a hot, erm, essential detail is absolutely unacceptable."
"Goddammit! It was Morgan who ratted us out, wasn't it?" Emily shot an angry glare towards the bullpen.
"Oh, au contraire. It was simple profiling from my part." Hotch seemed to be rather pleased with himself. "It was easy: after the briefing this morning JJ tapped her index finger against the table three times and, later on, she got Reese's Pieces from the canteen. You changed into a grey pullover right away and ate a green apple."
"Dammit," Emily chastised herself. "I knew that apple was a mistake!"
"So, I think it goes without saying that from now on, supply closets are out of the question." Hotch's tone was firm. "And no flaunting of your sexual adventures while some of us aren't getting any."
You bitch.
Chapter IV
Meanwhile, on the other side of the BAU wing, Garcia and JJ were busy trying to locate the effing video tape of doom.
"JJ, I still can't believe you actually did it. In the supply closet. With Emily." Garcia's attention strayed momentarily from the computer screen. "In a supply closet."
"Well, it just kind of happened. Between the fifth glass of Gideon's special punch and Hotch singing 'I Will Survive' with Agent Anderson."
"Besides, when a gorgeous woman wants to check out my merchandise, who am I to decline?"
What JJ didn't say, was that it had actually been her idea in the first place, and that Reid's monologue about subatomic particles had given her a wonderful excuse to drag Emily away from the lamest party in the history of the universe to a sizzling hot party of their own.
Suddenly Garcia gasped.
"Oh, my. I think I found our missing tape. Sort of."
JJ hurried over and looked at the screen.
"Oh, fuck."
Their scandalous sex tape, being sold on eBay. Universe sure had a twisted sense of humour.
"'FBI Hoompa-Loompa'? 'The truth behind the badge'? Seriously? And they have screencaps up as well?" JJ was irate to say the least.
Until she looked a little closer.
"Damn. That's pretty hot."
And just for a millisecond, JJ entertained the idea of creating her very own eBay account.
Chapter V
The seller of the tape was supposed to reside somewhere in Boston, according to Garcia. They all took her word for it, because who the hell had any idea of all that IP address mumbo-jumbo anyway?
The team hopped on their private jet and set course towards Bean Town.
Garcia had graciously provided them with printed screen shots of the video-Emily had nearly spontaneously combusted when she found out-which currently lay on the table, and the brunette simply couldn't look anywhere else.
At least she now knew that the countless hours at the gym hadn't been for nothing.
Fortunately their faces weren't visible in the video, but then, pretty much nothing else was left to the imagination.
"Damn. You really can see everything." Morgan studied the pictures a little too eagerly for Emily's liking.
She shot an icy glare at him, playing it cool for the rest of the team. After all, Emily was a hardcore FBI agent and used to being level-headed in stressful situations.
JJ? Not so much.
"What? No, you can't, because it's obviously not me and Emily!" She chuckled nervously. "That's simply ludicrous, I don't know why I even thought of it myself just now, because thatssonotusnoway!"
Emily could practically hear the crickets chirp, and she fought the urge to introduce her forehead to the desk in front of her. Morgan pretended to be so immersed in the photographs that he hadn't just heard a word out of the media liaison's mouth.
If, until then, someone had had any doubts of the two figures captured on tape being the two female BAU members, after JJ's little faux pas those doubts quickly evaporated like a fart would evaporate into the Sahara.
"..."
Dammit!
While no one dared to say a word, everyone desperately trying to convince everyone else that the image of Emily & JJ on top of a photocopier wasn't just playing on loop in their heads, Emily angsted about her unrequited love for JJ. It seemed that all she'd got out of their impromptu extravaganza was a new way of looking at supply closets.
If only her life would stop resembling a damn Linkin Park song.
Chapter VI
When the team arrived at the local FBI field office in Boston, Garcia informed them that a teaser trailer for 'FBI Hoompa-Loompa' had hit YouTube. Big time.
"Oh, wow. It's the 2nd most watched video of the day," Emily noted, while Hotch rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Everyone pretended not to notice.
"What's number one?" Reid asked and leaned closer, but for entirely different reasons than Hotch.
"'Shake it with Barbara Walters'."
"Oh."
Gingerly, JJ clicked the link, prepared to be utterly humiliated for the third time that day. The video started playing, complemented by very lovely sound effects.
Oh, I love my job.
Where the HELL has JJ learned to do THAT?! And more importantly, where can I?!
WOW.
The two women were nervously smiling at each other when Hotch suddenly seemed to break out of some sort of a haze and stood up rapidly.
"This is absolutely no laughing matter." His voice was oddly high-pitched. Emily & JJ at least had the grace to look sheepish.
"I...I need to take care of something," Hotch continued and etched closer and closer to the door. "Let's meet back here in ten. No! Let's make that fifteen." With that he was out of the room.
Emily blinked. No, she didn't want to give it any more thought that she absolutely had to.
***
Part II
Author: lysachan
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Word count: 1,862 / 50 images
Rating: R (for bad language)
Summary: A video tape containing scandalous material goes missing, much to Emily & JJ's dismay.
A/N: Okay, let me start by saying that I have absolutely no idea where this came from; I was playing around with screencaps and suddenly a fic was born. This definitely shouldn't be taken too seriously, and I promise to reduce my caffeine intake in the future.
Prologue
Meet Emily Prentiss. She's a highly trained FBI agent who could easily kill you with only tweezers as a weapon. She's also gayer than Ellen DeGeneres on speed, and my God, is that a low cleavage for a federal agent or what?
This is Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau. You shouldn't let her innocent looks fool you, because that gun attached to her hip? Most definitely loaded. That restraining order shall never be broken again, I'm just saying.
So, here's the deal, my precious readers: Emily is completely in love with JJ. JJ is head over heels in love with Emily. But because we need a cheesy, completely over-the-top plot for this story, they naturally haven't told each other about their feelings. That would just be too easy.
To make matters a tad more interesting, our protagonists did share a moment (okay, fine. They went at it like rabbits) a while back in one of Quantico's surprisingly spacious supply closets after having one too many in Hotch's "Proud to be Single Again" party.
The one thing they didn't take into account at the time, however, is that every single square feet in the building is monitored by security cameras.
That's right, Emily & JJ's little encounter was captured on tape, and that tape is just about to go missing. Poof! Gone.
Still with me? Well, let's recap:
Emily Prentiss = gay, cleavage and all.
Restraining order = totally uncalled for.
Emily & JJ = just do it already, but nowhere in Quantico, please.
Missing security tape = Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem!
Chapter I
It was like any other morning briefing at the BAU. Agents were milling about, Gideon looked like he'd just eaten a particularly sour lemon, and Hotch made a mark in his notebook that it was the 256th day since he'd last smiled.
Everything was good and cosy until JJ strode into the briefing room, looking downright frantic.
"We have a huge problem. A security breach. A video tape has gone missing, and we need to find it fast."
"A tape?" Morgan said incredulously. "We are the BA of the frigging U. How's that our case?"
Reid was thinking the same, but Morgan was always more eloquent with words, so he thought frowning for emphasis was good enough.
JJ was prepared to defend her decision.
"It's not just any tape," she began, glancing purposefully at Emily. "It's a security tape. From a certain supply closet on the third floor."
Dressed in an odd, flowery patterned shirt, Emily was confused. JJ was obviously trying to tell her something, the way her eyes almost popped out of their sockets, but...
...and then it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, shit."
"We need to get it back as soon as possible. I, personally, won't sleep until that tape is back in Quantico," JJ said vehemently and looked sharply at Morgan. "And not a word about that ostrich thing last year and me falling asleep on the backseat of Reid's car. That was totally different."
Morgan blinked, but remained silent. He knew better than to tease JJ when the blonde was this agitated. Reid was busy scribbling down a note for himself: remember to ask JJ for the $90 she owes me for the clean-up of the car. Plus $10 for getting rid of the itchy ostrich feathers in my coat. Oh, and buy milk.
"That tape must've contained top secret FBI material. Therefore, we need to move fast on this people," Hotch said. "The future of the world might depend on us."
Emily wanted to weep.
Somebody shoot me. Please?
Chapter II
While the team was waiting for Garcia to do her magic and find out where the team should be headed on their somewhat wild goose chase, Emily decided she needed a cup of coffee in order to ease her nerves.
Morgan was just pouring milk into his cup when Emily approached the coffee pot.
"Hey, what's up with JJ?" he inquired. "She was acting all weird in the briefing."
"What? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was probably just tried. Yes, that must be it. Why are you asking me? Why would I know anything? I don't know anything."
The silence was deafening before Morgan suddenly spoke: "Okay, cool!"
He started making his way back to the bullpen, and Emily felt horrible for lying to one of her best friends.
She knew she had to come clean at some point, otherwise she'd explode.
"It's me and JJ doing the horizontal tango on that tape!" she blurted. "Well, actually it was more vertical, but..."
"..."
Chapter III
It wasn't long after she told Morgan about the contents of the tape that Emily got paged to Hotch's office.
No matter what way she looked at it, it wasn't going to be good. But, unwilling to show her hand just yet, she got in and waited for Hotch to talk.
He went straight to the point.
"It has come to my attention that the tape we're after is, in fact, a tape of you and JJ in the supply closet during my 'Proud to be Single Again' party." Emily cursed under her breath. "As the team leader, me not knowing such a hot, erm, essential detail is absolutely unacceptable."
"Goddammit! It was Morgan who ratted us out, wasn't it?" Emily shot an angry glare towards the bullpen.
"Oh, au contraire. It was simple profiling from my part." Hotch seemed to be rather pleased with himself. "It was easy: after the briefing this morning JJ tapped her index finger against the table three times and, later on, she got Reese's Pieces from the canteen. You changed into a grey pullover right away and ate a green apple."
"Dammit," Emily chastised herself. "I knew that apple was a mistake!"
"So, I think it goes without saying that from now on, supply closets are out of the question." Hotch's tone was firm. "And no flaunting of your sexual adventures while some of us aren't getting any."
You bitch.
Chapter IV
Meanwhile, on the other side of the BAU wing, Garcia and JJ were busy trying to locate the effing video tape of doom.
"JJ, I still can't believe you actually did it. In the supply closet. With Emily." Garcia's attention strayed momentarily from the computer screen. "In a supply closet."
"Well, it just kind of happened. Between the fifth glass of Gideon's special punch and Hotch singing 'I Will Survive' with Agent Anderson."
"Besides, when a gorgeous woman wants to check out my merchandise, who am I to decline?"
What JJ didn't say, was that it had actually been her idea in the first place, and that Reid's monologue about subatomic particles had given her a wonderful excuse to drag Emily away from the lamest party in the history of the universe to a sizzling hot party of their own.
Suddenly Garcia gasped.
"Oh, my. I think I found our missing tape. Sort of."
JJ hurried over and looked at the screen.
"Oh, fuck."
Their scandalous sex tape, being sold on eBay. Universe sure had a twisted sense of humour.
"'FBI Hoompa-Loompa'? 'The truth behind the badge'? Seriously? And they have screencaps up as well?" JJ was irate to say the least.
Until she looked a little closer.
"Damn. That's pretty hot."
And just for a millisecond, JJ entertained the idea of creating her very own eBay account.
Chapter V
The seller of the tape was supposed to reside somewhere in Boston, according to Garcia. They all took her word for it, because who the hell had any idea of all that IP address mumbo-jumbo anyway?
The team hopped on their private jet and set course towards Bean Town.
Garcia had graciously provided them with printed screen shots of the video-Emily had nearly spontaneously combusted when she found out-which currently lay on the table, and the brunette simply couldn't look anywhere else.
At least she now knew that the countless hours at the gym hadn't been for nothing.
Fortunately their faces weren't visible in the video, but then, pretty much nothing else was left to the imagination.
"Damn. You really can see everything." Morgan studied the pictures a little too eagerly for Emily's liking.
She shot an icy glare at him, playing it cool for the rest of the team. After all, Emily was a hardcore FBI agent and used to being level-headed in stressful situations.
JJ? Not so much.
"What? No, you can't, because it's obviously not me and Emily!" She chuckled nervously. "That's simply ludicrous, I don't know why I even thought of it myself just now, because thatssonotusnoway!"
Emily could practically hear the crickets chirp, and she fought the urge to introduce her forehead to the desk in front of her. Morgan pretended to be so immersed in the photographs that he hadn't just heard a word out of the media liaison's mouth.
If, until then, someone had had any doubts of the two figures captured on tape being the two female BAU members, after JJ's little faux pas those doubts quickly evaporated like a fart would evaporate into the Sahara.
"..."
Dammit!
While no one dared to say a word, everyone desperately trying to convince everyone else that the image of Emily & JJ on top of a photocopier wasn't just playing on loop in their heads, Emily angsted about her unrequited love for JJ. It seemed that all she'd got out of their impromptu extravaganza was a new way of looking at supply closets.
If only her life would stop resembling a damn Linkin Park song.
Chapter VI
When the team arrived at the local FBI field office in Boston, Garcia informed them that a teaser trailer for 'FBI Hoompa-Loompa' had hit YouTube. Big time.
"Oh, wow. It's the 2nd most watched video of the day," Emily noted, while Hotch rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Everyone pretended not to notice.
"What's number one?" Reid asked and leaned closer, but for entirely different reasons than Hotch.
"'Shake it with Barbara Walters'."
"Oh."
Gingerly, JJ clicked the link, prepared to be utterly humiliated for the third time that day. The video started playing, complemented by very lovely sound effects.
Oh, I love my job.
Where the HELL has JJ learned to do THAT?! And more importantly, where can I?!
WOW.
The two women were nervously smiling at each other when Hotch suddenly seemed to break out of some sort of a haze and stood up rapidly.
"This is absolutely no laughing matter." His voice was oddly high-pitched. Emily & JJ at least had the grace to look sheepish.
"I...I need to take care of something," Hotch continued and etched closer and closer to the door. "Let's meet back here in ten. No! Let's make that fifteen." With that he was out of the room.
Emily blinked. No, she didn't want to give it any more thought that she absolutely had to.
***
Part II