(no subject)
i really have been thinking alot.
and im such a fake.
with everything.
i dont know if i like it...
sometimes i love it... some times i hate it...
i lie to myself all the time.
i dont even know who i am.
i say that things dont hurt me... and they do.
i say things so hurt me, when the dont.
i say i dont care, or i do care, when i know that deep down its the total opposite.
and the bad part is, that half the time, i dont even know that im lying...
i find out later.
i dont understand.
whats wrong with me?!
i act different around everyone i hang out with...
not TOTALLY different like i used to, but still... different.
and i dont understand.
their all " me " i guess... but then when i really think about it... i cant really say that they are "me" because i dont know who i am.
: [
life is so confusing sometimes...
you probably have no clue about a word im saying...
cause usually when i write in here its all out of my head and i dont explain it... so it only would make sence to me.
and thats how i like it.
hmm...
im messed up.
thats definatly for sure.
i miss jessie sooo much.
its unbelievable.
hes soooo amazing.
and i only get to talk to him every once in a while...
i made him this really adorable picture frame with hearts and "love" on it... and a pic of us. i love it.
i really really like this boy...
its driving me insane...
oh yeah!
with me and donnie...
we finally have had conversations...
and we both agreed to be friends.
pretty sweet...
im glad.
he always cheers me up. im soo happy that im not all 'Anti-Donnie' anymore. haha...
so lydia and i decided to move toni into my locker today... and so now her and tessa have my locker, and lydia and i share her locker... [toni and tess dont know yet though... ahhh!] i just know that its going to cause a WWIII with us...
whats new. hah.
so i was looking at a picture of me today... my tummy to be exact...
and it was from when i got my tattoo...
like a month ago... or two , maybe three... hmm lol...
and i looked GOOODDDD.
i liked it.
and now i look... i've got quite the little pooch goin...
it makes me sick.
i did sooo much to get where i finally was... [still not satisfied with it though] and im going right back where i started : [
im already back up to 117 lbs.... when i was down to 108. i suck.
im a fatty fatty two by four.
and im about to make some more desperate actions...
yep.
im sooo fucking stupid.
i know.
people tell me all the time. so save your breath.
my dad...
hes such a jerk.
i really hate him.
and i wish he would just stop breathing in his sleep or something...
i have such violent thoughts about him... sometimes they honestly scare me...
i honest to God think i have something wrong with me...
i really do visualize violent things like.... idk. i dont even wanna try to explain...
im just insane.
and thats my biggest fear.
i dont understand why people have fears.
whats life if you dont do everything possible... even the 'impossible'
sometimes im afraid of SOOO much... and then thers times when im not afraid of anything... i dont understand ... maybe im bi polar or something... or like one of those types of things where i have like two personalities a little bit or something. i dont even know... i just know that i need serious help... quick.
its almost too late : [
i love my best friend lydia so much.
shes the best thing in my life.
i know sometimes i get mad at her... but it never lasts... and when i do get mad at her... for stupid lame things, all the great things about her totally blur out the stupid stuff...
i love that girl so much.
shes like my soul mate.
someone please help me.... im going insane.
and im such a fake.
with everything.
i dont know if i like it...
sometimes i love it... some times i hate it...
i lie to myself all the time.
i dont even know who i am.
i say that things dont hurt me... and they do.
i say things so hurt me, when the dont.
i say i dont care, or i do care, when i know that deep down its the total opposite.
and the bad part is, that half the time, i dont even know that im lying...
i find out later.
i dont understand.
whats wrong with me?!
i act different around everyone i hang out with...
not TOTALLY different like i used to, but still... different.
and i dont understand.
their all " me " i guess... but then when i really think about it... i cant really say that they are "me" because i dont know who i am.
: [
life is so confusing sometimes...
you probably have no clue about a word im saying...
cause usually when i write in here its all out of my head and i dont explain it... so it only would make sence to me.
and thats how i like it.
hmm...
im messed up.
thats definatly for sure.
i miss jessie sooo much.
its unbelievable.
hes soooo amazing.
and i only get to talk to him every once in a while...
i made him this really adorable picture frame with hearts and "love" on it... and a pic of us. i love it.
i really really like this boy...
its driving me insane...
oh yeah!
with me and donnie...
we finally have had conversations...
and we both agreed to be friends.
pretty sweet...
im glad.
he always cheers me up. im soo happy that im not all 'Anti-Donnie' anymore. haha...
so lydia and i decided to move toni into my locker today... and so now her and tessa have my locker, and lydia and i share her locker... [toni and tess dont know yet though... ahhh!] i just know that its going to cause a WWIII with us...
whats new. hah.
so i was looking at a picture of me today... my tummy to be exact...
and it was from when i got my tattoo...
like a month ago... or two , maybe three... hmm lol...
and i looked GOOODDDD.
i liked it.
and now i look... i've got quite the little pooch goin...
it makes me sick.
i did sooo much to get where i finally was... [still not satisfied with it though] and im going right back where i started : [
im already back up to 117 lbs.... when i was down to 108. i suck.
im a fatty fatty two by four.
and im about to make some more desperate actions...
yep.
im sooo fucking stupid.
i know.
people tell me all the time. so save your breath.
my dad...
hes such a jerk.
i really hate him.
and i wish he would just stop breathing in his sleep or something...
i have such violent thoughts about him... sometimes they honestly scare me...
i honest to God think i have something wrong with me...
i really do visualize violent things like.... idk. i dont even wanna try to explain...
im just insane.
and thats my biggest fear.
i dont understand why people have fears.
whats life if you dont do everything possible... even the 'impossible'
sometimes im afraid of SOOO much... and then thers times when im not afraid of anything... i dont understand ... maybe im bi polar or something... or like one of those types of things where i have like two personalities a little bit or something. i dont even know... i just know that i need serious help... quick.
its almost too late : [
i love my best friend lydia so much.
shes the best thing in my life.
i know sometimes i get mad at her... but it never lasts... and when i do get mad at her... for stupid lame things, all the great things about her totally blur out the stupid stuff...
i love that girl so much.
shes like my soul mate.
someone please help me.... im going insane.