(no subject)
im scared...im terrified actually that the same shit will have happened all over again and ill b once again dragged around the emotional roller coaster only this time it'll hurt even MORE because my Mr.Big will be hurting me indirectly...yea im talking out of my ass but it all makes sense in my head. i feel like carrie in that one sex and the city episode (in season 6B) where Mr.Big shows up in her life once again when she's completely happy and over him and everything is about to go so well with this other guy and her life is really taking off....and he shows up to apologize for being an ass (which was WAYYY overdue) and he wants her back and bla bla bla and she absolutely FLIPS OUT on him and says something in the lines of why do you do this to me?! do you make it a point to just show up in my life whenever its getting back to normal? do you think to yourself "oh well carrie's life is good at the moment so i think i'll just show up and make it hard and confusing" well im SICK OF IT!...how gratifying would that be? only my situation is worse...im nto being chased after, oh no that was back in feburary...NOW i THINK its progressed to Mr.Big going after a friend of mine...and her letting him. ahhhh i want to scream. however, all is not lost yet because she hasnt called me for the "chat"...so it could be a number of things but do you ever just get that feeling in the pit of your stomache after someone says u have to talk and u know EXACTLY whats gion to be said and exactly how it'll make you feel and what will happen as a result of it. thats what im feeling right now. like when one of my ex's broke up with me. he called me hours before hand and asked if we could meet somehwere to talk, thats all he said and i immediatly knew that our relationship was over, tho i had no idea why. but thats beside the point, i went to my basketball practice after he called me and talked to this freshman named fish hwo i like and she asked me what was wrong and i said oh nothing, my boyfriends about to dump me but other than that im alright. and low n behold i called him after practice and he didnt even bother to meet me, he jus did it right hten and there over the phone, probably because he was at a party and about to hook up with 2 other girls and he didnt really want to leave to talk to me. makes sense. but now, oh this one will hurt 3209483209849x more because its like a betrayel of trust, on top of Biggy once agian coming out victorious in the "how can we hurt the other person the most" game. and im SO SICK of being the loser in this dumb game!!! im so sick of the one constantly being dragged around and led on and dumped and picked back up again and ignored and flirted with and played. im so tired of it and whenever i even see the light of absolute closure, he just decides to swoop in and throw a rock in front of it with one of his bullshit lines or moves or decisions or stories or ANYTHING. im so scared that this will just be like the past nine months have been for us....shitty shit fuck mother fucking balls bitch...ass...blah!