Mar 28, 2006 00:45
I don't even know why I am writing this, as I feel no real need to put anything down for anyone to see or to vent any emotion present. I think this is some attempt, done in vain, to express the intangible. I wish I could relate to someone how I feel right now. I've been dwelling on a combination of the past and thinking of the future, feeling nothing but...melancholy? No, more a contentment, actually. Not an enthusiastic contentment, a contentment based in action and achievement, but rather this is out of a total acceptance of past and present and a liking of where I see things going. A contentment out of comprehension and understanding, if you will. I think the fact that I have not slept in 36 or so hours has accentuated any thoughts about this.
I don't think I can adequately express my current state in any way, shape or form. It just feels like things are right, or I am finally on the right track. It's kind of odd, especially considering my grades seem to be more than a bit off right now, and my financial situation is...not good. I've met and learned about (and from) some great people recently, and I think it is these experiences that feel right, that bettering me as a person is finally being weighed in my mind as much more important than any material possessions or accomplishments. I always told myself as such, but I think everyone tells themselves things that stand in stark contrast to how they behave.
This is so fucked up for me to think these ways, if anyone knows much about me from the past.
How have I, as of late, been able to open up so much, apologize so much, fix things so much and feel no fear, no anxiety, no apprehension of rejection? Takers?
I feel like I am on Vicodin right now.
- Matt