(no subject)
Disclaimer: This arc in my storylife has yet to be 100% completed, and I'm not even sure it will ever be wrapped up because I'm a fan of running away and avoiding things, so.
So on the 2nd, my friend of like, 5 months, asked me if I had ever been to Homecoming. Let me say right off the bat that he only barely meets the requirements of friend - if I were asked seriously, I'd file him under acquaintance. It takes a lot to cross my division between school friend and real friend, and it takes lots of time for me to even feel remotely comfortable around someone. Combine all of the above and the blatantly obvious warning that he just gave me struck fear and dread in my heart.
The following day, he asked me properly. Except by properly I mean he started out with "hypothetically" :| He's a great guy, really. He's good looking and entertaining to talk to for a while but that's where it ends. Since the question was kind of like a 1-hit KO I sort of laughed it off. It didn't get serious until I told my friends and mother, who instantly decided for me that I would accept him and attend Homecoming.
Wait what? My anxiety started to do back flips. I didn't want to attend a school function - I've never wanted to. I had no desire to buy a dress, mess with the stupid mum tradition Texas still clings to, let alone go with him to a dinner and dance. As a day passed I learned that he has apparently harbored a crush on me for a while now. Are you kidding me, life? I'm finally over my painful series of crushes and searches for boyfriends, I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for a long time, and out of nowhere some guy likes me? The hell is that?
My intention to reject him threw my mother into a rage (making it the third time she's admitted to hating me, though with nicer words), as she was on the verge of forcing me to go for a variety of reasons. (Experience, get over fear, etc.) All of which I agree with on some level, except for the fact that I just can't get over a complete lack of interest. I'm not going to do something if it bores me to tears!
I talked at length with my counselor, and my mother threw me at a family friend who is an adolescent psychologist (Andrew and Leah's mother) who I felt like was trying to talk me into going. On the upside, having learned of the depth of my social anxiety, she strongly urged me to go see psychologist who can really help me find the origin of my anxiety, and help me overcome it. I sort of nodded and smiled, as it wasn't the first time someone in that field has told me I need to talk to a professional - the only reason I haven't is my mother's unwillingness to shell out the money. She expected to talk to my mother following our conversation, but I didn't expect that to do anything.
To make a long and incredibly stupid story short, after lots of emotional turmoil and arguments, I decided to be a selfish bitch and make the decision I wanted to from the moment he asked: no.
I don't think he quite understood my explanation. Why is anxiety so hard for people to understand? Yes, it is hard to talk to people for extended periods! Yes, the thought of being in an unfamiliar place with a person I'm not comfortable with terrifies me! No, I can't just get over it!!
Out of pity I suggested we could do something else, hang out or whatever. He told me to think of something and get back to him. I apologized profusely, mostly for his benefit, and ran off to class. I avoided him the rest of the day. If I didn't have to consider his feelings, I wouldn't do anything. I don't want to go see a movie, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't want to hang out at all! I'm just not capable of it! I will most likely have to face this eventually, as I can only avoid him in the hallways for so long (he waits and searches for me now - it feels clingy and has shades of my creepy stalker).
My mother called me while I was in class, but I didn't get a chance to listen to her message until several hours later. She had talked to our family friend, who apparently did an exponentially better job at explaining my social anxiety to her than anything I've attempted to say - out of nowhere, she was kind and understanding and said she loves me and is going to be there for me and help me get through this. It truly stunned me... but we'll see where it goes. Like every other time she's claimed to change and be kind, it may disappear in a matter of days.
Spent the remainder of my Friday with Andria. She/we played Psychonauts and DDR, and watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Yes, finally, I have been exposed to Monty Python. Slowly I am beginning to earn my geekdom.)
Played Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance up to chapter 7 today, after finally getting the disc back from my brother. (He now has my Gamecube but no games, haha.) I originally dropped it because FE can be frustrating as hell, but with my longing for Fire Emblem DS, I suddenly got the urge to attempt PoR once more. So far so good!
The remainder of today, however, I am going to attempt to dedicate to my art project, due Monday... and I'm not even a quarter of the way through. Fun times.
VerusMaya II
So on the 2nd, my friend of like, 5 months, asked me if I had ever been to Homecoming. Let me say right off the bat that he only barely meets the requirements of friend - if I were asked seriously, I'd file him under acquaintance. It takes a lot to cross my division between school friend and real friend, and it takes lots of time for me to even feel remotely comfortable around someone. Combine all of the above and the blatantly obvious warning that he just gave me struck fear and dread in my heart.
The following day, he asked me properly. Except by properly I mean he started out with "hypothetically" :| He's a great guy, really. He's good looking and entertaining to talk to for a while but that's where it ends. Since the question was kind of like a 1-hit KO I sort of laughed it off. It didn't get serious until I told my friends and mother, who instantly decided for me that I would accept him and attend Homecoming.
Wait what? My anxiety started to do back flips. I didn't want to attend a school function - I've never wanted to. I had no desire to buy a dress, mess with the stupid mum tradition Texas still clings to, let alone go with him to a dinner and dance. As a day passed I learned that he has apparently harbored a crush on me for a while now. Are you kidding me, life? I'm finally over my painful series of crushes and searches for boyfriends, I've accepted that I'm going to be alone for a long time, and out of nowhere some guy likes me? The hell is that?
My intention to reject him threw my mother into a rage (making it the third time she's admitted to hating me, though with nicer words), as she was on the verge of forcing me to go for a variety of reasons. (Experience, get over fear, etc.) All of which I agree with on some level, except for the fact that I just can't get over a complete lack of interest. I'm not going to do something if it bores me to tears!
I talked at length with my counselor, and my mother threw me at a family friend who is an adolescent psychologist (Andrew and Leah's mother) who I felt like was trying to talk me into going. On the upside, having learned of the depth of my social anxiety, she strongly urged me to go see psychologist who can really help me find the origin of my anxiety, and help me overcome it. I sort of nodded and smiled, as it wasn't the first time someone in that field has told me I need to talk to a professional - the only reason I haven't is my mother's unwillingness to shell out the money. She expected to talk to my mother following our conversation, but I didn't expect that to do anything.
To make a long and incredibly stupid story short, after lots of emotional turmoil and arguments, I decided to be a selfish bitch and make the decision I wanted to from the moment he asked: no.
I don't think he quite understood my explanation. Why is anxiety so hard for people to understand? Yes, it is hard to talk to people for extended periods! Yes, the thought of being in an unfamiliar place with a person I'm not comfortable with terrifies me! No, I can't just get over it!!
Out of pity I suggested we could do something else, hang out or whatever. He told me to think of something and get back to him. I apologized profusely, mostly for his benefit, and ran off to class. I avoided him the rest of the day. If I didn't have to consider his feelings, I wouldn't do anything. I don't want to go see a movie, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't want to hang out at all! I'm just not capable of it! I will most likely have to face this eventually, as I can only avoid him in the hallways for so long (he waits and searches for me now - it feels clingy and has shades of my creepy stalker).
My mother called me while I was in class, but I didn't get a chance to listen to her message until several hours later. She had talked to our family friend, who apparently did an exponentially better job at explaining my social anxiety to her than anything I've attempted to say - out of nowhere, she was kind and understanding and said she loves me and is going to be there for me and help me get through this. It truly stunned me... but we'll see where it goes. Like every other time she's claimed to change and be kind, it may disappear in a matter of days.
Spent the remainder of my Friday with Andria. She/we played Psychonauts and DDR, and watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Yes, finally, I have been exposed to Monty Python. Slowly I am beginning to earn my geekdom.)
Played Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance up to chapter 7 today, after finally getting the disc back from my brother. (He now has my Gamecube but no games, haha.) I originally dropped it because FE can be frustrating as hell, but with my longing for Fire Emblem DS, I suddenly got the urge to attempt PoR once more. So far so good!
The remainder of today, however, I am going to attempt to dedicate to my art project, due Monday... and I'm not even a quarter of the way through. Fun times.
VerusMaya II