Atheist Witnesses
This did not happen today.
(doorbell rings) (I answer door)
Me: Can I help you?
Her: Oh, we were just spreading the word--
Me (firmly): No, thank you.
Her: Well, we're going door to door to invite people to our church--
Me (even more firmly): I said, NO, thank you.
Her: Well--
Me: How would you like it if I went door to door, spreading the word of atheism? And I rang your doorbell and said, "Hello, here's a newspaper about how God doesn't exist, and you're all alone in the Universe, and everything you've ever been told about a kind and forgiving deity is brainwashing bullshit designed to separate you from your money, so that organized religions that protect and provide sanctuary to pedophiles and rapists can fill their coffers?"
Her: (speechless)
Me: And I continued with, "And by the way, there's also no Heaven and no Hell, because Hell is here on Earth -- all you have to do is look around you and watch the news to see that! -- and the reason to do the right thing IS NOT because you'll go to some bullshit heaven that doesn't exist, but because IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, and you probably only get one life, so maybe people should be good to each other in their one life because it's the right fucking thing to do and nature and the universe is kind of pitilessly brutal anyway, which is why you find dead featherless chicks on the sidewalk after a spring thunderstorm and is why tornadoes wipe out entire towns, nothing to do with a God, everything to do with the randomness of the universe, where each day could be your last, because shit happens for no reason? like earthquakes? and volcanoes? and meteors? and shitty people who attack other people for money or iPhones or shoes or to feel power over them or for no reason at all?"
Her: (still speechless)
Me: "And who would want to go to a Heaven filled with all the murderers and rapists who were forgiven just because at the last minute before they died, they accepted Jesus as their lord and savior? How fucking fucked up is THAT?? And how do you know they wouldn't also be up there with terrorists who get 99 virgins after they blow up a bunch of people, because weren't Mohammed and Jesus prophets of the same stupid monotheistic god you're promoting anyway?"
Her: (can not form words)
Me: "And yet despite the forgiveness of rapists and murderers who accept Jesus as lord and savior, people of the same gender who love each other are considered pariahs and deviants in this life according to your monotheistic religion, because you're relying on a 2,000 year old text written by a bunch of terrified humans who were trying to explain why the universe and nature are often crazy and random and scary, and were busy making crazy sacrifices to their god -- like, for example, killing their own children, or self-mutilating the skin of the tips of their penises -- and which was written and mistranslated multiple times?"
Her: (paralyzed with fear at the crazy unbeliever chewing her out)
Me: Or, instead, how about if we had a religion that worships and values human intelligence and kindness and evolution and the beauty of nature as the miraculous happenstances of the Big Bang and the cooling and spreading of the Universe, not some non-existent God? How about a religion that is grateful for every glorious sunrise and beautiful sunset, not because it came from God, but because it DIDN'T come from God, because there is no God, and we're alone in the Universe? How about a religion that lives and lets live and doesn't criticize and denigrate people for nonconformism as long as they're not hurting anyone nonconsensually? How about that? Can I come to your house and stand on your porch and preach THOSE BELIEFS at you, apropos of nothing?!
Her: (backing away carefully, never letting me out of her sight)
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought. Now get the fuck off my porch!
Yeah, that totally did not happen at all.
More's the pity.
Cross-posted from DW
(doorbell rings) (I answer door)
Me: Can I help you?
Her: Oh, we were just spreading the word--
Me (firmly): No, thank you.
Her: Well, we're going door to door to invite people to our church--
Me (even more firmly): I said, NO, thank you.
Her: Well--
Me: How would you like it if I went door to door, spreading the word of atheism? And I rang your doorbell and said, "Hello, here's a newspaper about how God doesn't exist, and you're all alone in the Universe, and everything you've ever been told about a kind and forgiving deity is brainwashing bullshit designed to separate you from your money, so that organized religions that protect and provide sanctuary to pedophiles and rapists can fill their coffers?"
Her: (speechless)
Me: And I continued with, "And by the way, there's also no Heaven and no Hell, because Hell is here on Earth -- all you have to do is look around you and watch the news to see that! -- and the reason to do the right thing IS NOT because you'll go to some bullshit heaven that doesn't exist, but because IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, and you probably only get one life, so maybe people should be good to each other in their one life because it's the right fucking thing to do and nature and the universe is kind of pitilessly brutal anyway, which is why you find dead featherless chicks on the sidewalk after a spring thunderstorm and is why tornadoes wipe out entire towns, nothing to do with a God, everything to do with the randomness of the universe, where each day could be your last, because shit happens for no reason? like earthquakes? and volcanoes? and meteors? and shitty people who attack other people for money or iPhones or shoes or to feel power over them or for no reason at all?"
Her: (still speechless)
Me: "And who would want to go to a Heaven filled with all the murderers and rapists who were forgiven just because at the last minute before they died, they accepted Jesus as their lord and savior? How fucking fucked up is THAT?? And how do you know they wouldn't also be up there with terrorists who get 99 virgins after they blow up a bunch of people, because weren't Mohammed and Jesus prophets of the same stupid monotheistic god you're promoting anyway?"
Her: (can not form words)
Me: "And yet despite the forgiveness of rapists and murderers who accept Jesus as lord and savior, people of the same gender who love each other are considered pariahs and deviants in this life according to your monotheistic religion, because you're relying on a 2,000 year old text written by a bunch of terrified humans who were trying to explain why the universe and nature are often crazy and random and scary, and were busy making crazy sacrifices to their god -- like, for example, killing their own children, or self-mutilating the skin of the tips of their penises -- and which was written and mistranslated multiple times?"
Her: (paralyzed with fear at the crazy unbeliever chewing her out)
Me: Or, instead, how about if we had a religion that worships and values human intelligence and kindness and evolution and the beauty of nature as the miraculous happenstances of the Big Bang and the cooling and spreading of the Universe, not some non-existent God? How about a religion that is grateful for every glorious sunrise and beautiful sunset, not because it came from God, but because it DIDN'T come from God, because there is no God, and we're alone in the Universe? How about a religion that lives and lets live and doesn't criticize and denigrate people for nonconformism as long as they're not hurting anyone nonconsensually? How about that? Can I come to your house and stand on your porch and preach THOSE BELIEFS at you, apropos of nothing?!
Her: (backing away carefully, never letting me out of her sight)
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought. Now get the fuck off my porch!
Yeah, that totally did not happen at all.
More's the pity.
Cross-posted from DW