my fic revealed (dS Match)
Well, my under-pressure, last-minute, scraped-together from porny drabbles (which wound up left out of the final story -- weird, since this is me I'm talking about) HCL/DS F/K, F/Billy xover AU deathfic story Don't Look Straight At It, with experimental non-narrative structure, has been revealed over at ds_flashfiction. Yes, I have written deathfic. Egad. But it made it more angsty!
It ended up being more angsty without the porn. *ponders* Well, I wanted porn, but the story made me go in a different direction. Sensuality, check. Angst, tension, frustration, check, check, check. Fumbling awkwardness, check. Hm. I just thought of something: the climax of the story is a violent death. Shit, now I'm writing Hollywood blockbuster style. Damn. (just kidding)
I've asked sageness to edit my author notes with additions to the betas. secretlybronte and jamethiel_bane to my Author's Notes on the official ds_flashfiction note.
ETA: And then I wrote a ficlet called I'm Here. You're Here. They're Here. Touch Me." in gratitude for the dS Match coordinators, sageness and china_shop, because everything they did was so amazing. I never would've been able to pull all that together, and keep it on schedule and on track. (I'm pretty lame that way lately... all I can do is eat, sleep, show up to work, work, and very occasionally make it to see family or bf or friends. bf is getting very sick of this. I am sick, but... I'm also pretty fuckin' lame. What depression and grief will getcha.)
Oh, yeah. And I called in sick to work, which is why I am writing this at all at this hour. Fuck it. I worked sick as a dog last Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday. And I'm still on orientation so there's another nurse I'm working with. Let her work for a change, since when I'm working with her, she sits around and does nothing but play my tech, since certain fucking lazy night techs can't move their asses to get EKGs, urine, or blood from my patients or bother to hook them up to the cardiac monitors. Well, I shouldn't say "let her work for a change." Last week they split us up because they were short and she was busting ass just like me.
I am a little worried, though. I still feel like crap, and it's the 4th day of my 5 day Z-pack (azithromycin) for this infernal, horrible sinus infection that has taken over my body. I still have a head full of gook, running down my throat in post-nasal drip, irritating my lungs into asthma, and giving me a yucky cough. I'm almost done with these antibiotics and I'm not sure they're working. Although the greenness has given way to a pale white. Hey, man, it's an RN thing. We have to look at mucus, and consider the color. So the color change is probably good. I just still feel like shit.
But then, the feeling like shit part goes so much deeper than merely physical. But, I can't go there right now; I will just upset myself more. Baby nephew still in NICU, little sister (mother of baby nephew) about to have nervous breakdown/post-partum I don't know what, powerless to do anything about any of it because I am deservedly persona non grata (being sick, I can't be allowed anywhere near either of them, and for very good reason -- the ban was imposed by myself after all). Not to mention trying very hard not to think of upcoming holiday without stepfather. Okay, going there -- not good. Stopping now--
Oh, yeah. And I did my very first pediatric blood stick last week. On a 3 week old. I only picked her because I realized when the MD did her lumbar puncture (checking for meningitis) that she wasn't a screamer/cryer. She cried when the lumbar needle went in, then stopped and just sucked very hard on her pacifier.
I was like, damn, I've been working here since August and I've never yet been able to bring myself to stick needles in pediatric patients... there's the screaming, and the holding them down, and the struggling futilely, and then they look at you with death-dealing eyes from that point on, and it's just really awful, and I'm not up for it... but this little one is a trouper! she barely cries and is easily consoled! yes, I will stick a needle in her!
Sadly, I was not successful. Twice. We did get blood, but the other nurse who was working with me -- yes, there was holding down, though not much -- although 3 week olds? Stronger than you might think! -- she got the IV in. But the 3 week old was quite a trouper. And so very, very cute!
Other than that, work sucks, and I now officially hate it. BEGIN RANT I hate working with the night shift people. When the day shift come in, at 6:30am, I want to cry. I miss them all -- and I barely know them. And they're all so nice. I felt like I had a net then -- a team backing me up. On nights? I feel like I'm working by myself. I'm not sure how much of this is (a) totally dysfunctional workplace with many horribly burnt out people, (b) me being a new nurse/new grad, (c) the nature of the patient population we serve (poverty, often very sick, chronic illnesses that are not properly treated and don't come in until problems are severe), and (d) co-workers who don't do their fucking jobs (like some of the patient care techs--the RNs are busting ass, I'll give them that).
I'm not sure how much of it is me, and how much of it is them. But it can't be all me because I didn't have these kinds of horrible shifts when I was on days. And on days, I probably had 6 times as many patients in a shift as nights -- seriously. Every time I would empty a bed, they'd put another patient in it. (After changing sheets & cleaning with bleach, of course.) Nights, I may have one critically ill patient I care for all night, waiting for a bed in ICU... but I may also have one room completely empty from 2:30am-5am or 5:30am. And so the techs on days were also busting ass. I could get a new patient, and by the time I went in to see them, the tech would have hooked them up to the monitors, drawn blood, gotten urine, and done an EKG on them. That was support. The night techs? Always stepping out to smoke. (Some of them, not all. I have to keep reminding myself of that.) Or sleeping in the employee lounge.
So everything I do with patients takes me 4 times longer at nights than it did on days because I am doing it myself. And my preceptor is like, "Why don't you ask another nurse for help?" I'm like, "Because they're busy too, and this stuff isn't the nurse's jobs--it's the tech's jobs!" And she was like, "Well, you're going to have to find a way to manage your work load." Completely sidestepping the question of the techs not being around, being outside smoking, off in the back sleeping -- because they're her smoking buddies, because don't rock the boat, because I'm the newbie.
The other day when I had the 3 week old? I got another patient, brought in by stretcher. The charge RN said, "Another nurse will start him for you." Yeah, her idea of starting him was to triage him, that's it. No blood, no EKG, no urine, no cardiac monitoring. All of which were ordered eventually by the MD AND COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY THE TIME I FINALLY GOT TO HIM if my assigned tech hadn't been outside smoking or sitting on his ass.
Oh, and let's not forget my not having supplies in my rooms. Boxes of gloves that are empty, no blood drawing supplies, no EKG trodes, no O2 sat finger sensors. I had to go in other nurses' assigned rooms and steal supplies from their supply carts! It's like, wtf? Don't these people do anything? Can't they, at a minimum, stock the supplies like they're supposed to?? I know I get paid 3 times what they do, but I busted my ass in school to get that. If they don't want to do that, they can at least do one fucking thing their job description says.
Ok, rant over. Fuck it. So I called in sick. Because I AM SICK. And I was sick last week, and I shouldn't have worked like that. And I'm gonna be working tomorrow and Tuesday anyway. I just can't believe I went from liking my job to hating it simply from changing the group of people I'm working with. It's not even the shift -- I love the shift. The night shift is practically my natural biorhythm! It would be perfect -- if I didn't have to work in a team environment as the I in team, with no net, and with no teamwork.
So anyway. I'm up for the night, or I'll fuckup my wake/sleep schedule for work Monday and Tuesday. So, I can finally catch up with all the dS Match fics I haven't read yet. Yay.
It ended up being more angsty without the porn. *ponders* Well, I wanted porn, but the story made me go in a different direction. Sensuality, check. Angst, tension, frustration, check, check, check. Fumbling awkwardness, check. Hm. I just thought of something: the climax of the story is a violent death. Shit, now I'm writing Hollywood blockbuster style. Damn. (just kidding)
I've asked sageness to edit my author notes with additions to the betas. secretlybronte and jamethiel_bane to my Author's Notes on the official ds_flashfiction note.
ETA: And then I wrote a ficlet called I'm Here. You're Here. They're Here. Touch Me." in gratitude for the dS Match coordinators, sageness and china_shop, because everything they did was so amazing. I never would've been able to pull all that together, and keep it on schedule and on track. (I'm pretty lame that way lately... all I can do is eat, sleep, show up to work, work, and very occasionally make it to see family or bf or friends. bf is getting very sick of this. I am sick, but... I'm also pretty fuckin' lame. What depression and grief will getcha.)
Oh, yeah. And I called in sick to work, which is why I am writing this at all at this hour. Fuck it. I worked sick as a dog last Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday. And I'm still on orientation so there's another nurse I'm working with. Let her work for a change, since when I'm working with her, she sits around and does nothing but play my tech, since certain fucking lazy night techs can't move their asses to get EKGs, urine, or blood from my patients or bother to hook them up to the cardiac monitors. Well, I shouldn't say "let her work for a change." Last week they split us up because they were short and she was busting ass just like me.
I am a little worried, though. I still feel like crap, and it's the 4th day of my 5 day Z-pack (azithromycin) for this infernal, horrible sinus infection that has taken over my body. I still have a head full of gook, running down my throat in post-nasal drip, irritating my lungs into asthma, and giving me a yucky cough. I'm almost done with these antibiotics and I'm not sure they're working. Although the greenness has given way to a pale white. Hey, man, it's an RN thing. We have to look at mucus, and consider the color. So the color change is probably good. I just still feel like shit.
But then, the feeling like shit part goes so much deeper than merely physical. But, I can't go there right now; I will just upset myself more. Baby nephew still in NICU, little sister (mother of baby nephew) about to have nervous breakdown/post-partum I don't know what, powerless to do anything about any of it because I am deservedly persona non grata (being sick, I can't be allowed anywhere near either of them, and for very good reason -- the ban was imposed by myself after all). Not to mention trying very hard not to think of upcoming holiday without stepfather. Okay, going there -- not good. Stopping now--
Oh, yeah. And I did my very first pediatric blood stick last week. On a 3 week old. I only picked her because I realized when the MD did her lumbar puncture (checking for meningitis) that she wasn't a screamer/cryer. She cried when the lumbar needle went in, then stopped and just sucked very hard on her pacifier.
I was like, damn, I've been working here since August and I've never yet been able to bring myself to stick needles in pediatric patients... there's the screaming, and the holding them down, and the struggling futilely, and then they look at you with death-dealing eyes from that point on, and it's just really awful, and I'm not up for it... but this little one is a trouper! she barely cries and is easily consoled! yes, I will stick a needle in her!
Sadly, I was not successful. Twice. We did get blood, but the other nurse who was working with me -- yes, there was holding down, though not much -- although 3 week olds? Stronger than you might think! -- she got the IV in. But the 3 week old was quite a trouper. And so very, very cute!
Other than that, work sucks, and I now officially hate it. BEGIN RANT I hate working with the night shift people. When the day shift come in, at 6:30am, I want to cry. I miss them all -- and I barely know them. And they're all so nice. I felt like I had a net then -- a team backing me up. On nights? I feel like I'm working by myself. I'm not sure how much of this is (a) totally dysfunctional workplace with many horribly burnt out people, (b) me being a new nurse/new grad, (c) the nature of the patient population we serve (poverty, often very sick, chronic illnesses that are not properly treated and don't come in until problems are severe), and (d) co-workers who don't do their fucking jobs (like some of the patient care techs--the RNs are busting ass, I'll give them that).
I'm not sure how much of it is me, and how much of it is them. But it can't be all me because I didn't have these kinds of horrible shifts when I was on days. And on days, I probably had 6 times as many patients in a shift as nights -- seriously. Every time I would empty a bed, they'd put another patient in it. (After changing sheets & cleaning with bleach, of course.) Nights, I may have one critically ill patient I care for all night, waiting for a bed in ICU... but I may also have one room completely empty from 2:30am-5am or 5:30am. And so the techs on days were also busting ass. I could get a new patient, and by the time I went in to see them, the tech would have hooked them up to the monitors, drawn blood, gotten urine, and done an EKG on them. That was support. The night techs? Always stepping out to smoke. (Some of them, not all. I have to keep reminding myself of that.) Or sleeping in the employee lounge.
So everything I do with patients takes me 4 times longer at nights than it did on days because I am doing it myself. And my preceptor is like, "Why don't you ask another nurse for help?" I'm like, "Because they're busy too, and this stuff isn't the nurse's jobs--it's the tech's jobs!" And she was like, "Well, you're going to have to find a way to manage your work load." Completely sidestepping the question of the techs not being around, being outside smoking, off in the back sleeping -- because they're her smoking buddies, because don't rock the boat, because I'm the newbie.
The other day when I had the 3 week old? I got another patient, brought in by stretcher. The charge RN said, "Another nurse will start him for you." Yeah, her idea of starting him was to triage him, that's it. No blood, no EKG, no urine, no cardiac monitoring. All of which were ordered eventually by the MD AND COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY THE TIME I FINALLY GOT TO HIM if my assigned tech hadn't been outside smoking or sitting on his ass.
Oh, and let's not forget my not having supplies in my rooms. Boxes of gloves that are empty, no blood drawing supplies, no EKG trodes, no O2 sat finger sensors. I had to go in other nurses' assigned rooms and steal supplies from their supply carts! It's like, wtf? Don't these people do anything? Can't they, at a minimum, stock the supplies like they're supposed to?? I know I get paid 3 times what they do, but I busted my ass in school to get that. If they don't want to do that, they can at least do one fucking thing their job description says.
Ok, rant over. Fuck it. So I called in sick. Because I AM SICK. And I was sick last week, and I shouldn't have worked like that. And I'm gonna be working tomorrow and Tuesday anyway. I just can't believe I went from liking my job to hating it simply from changing the group of people I'm working with. It's not even the shift -- I love the shift. The night shift is practically my natural biorhythm! It would be perfect -- if I didn't have to work in a team environment as the I in team, with no net, and with no teamwork.
So anyway. I'm up for the night, or I'll fuckup my wake/sleep schedule for work Monday and Tuesday. So, I can finally catch up with all the dS Match fics I haven't read yet. Yay.