[fic] sehun/lu han: Explosions
title: Explosions
pairing: sehun/lu han
genre: angst
rating: R
word count: ~5k w
summary: Because there are times that Lu Han needs the assurance that he can still have this effect on Sehun. That he can still make explosions.
Lu Han lies exhausted on the practice room floor, panting from exhaustion. He has an arm thrown over his eyes to block out the glaring white of the ceiling lights, mouth open as he tries to catch his breath. His legs feel like jelly sprawled out on the cold surface, his calf muscles clenching quite painfully from his rigorous training. His clothes cling to his cooling, sweat-slicked skin. The room feels harshly cold to his burning body.
“Lu Han, let’s go,” Kris orders from the doorway of the practice room.
“I think I’ll stay, Duizhang, I want to get this move down,” Lu Han answers tightening the knot of his sneakers. He stands up, a little too jumpy for Kris’ liking. Kris has been voicing out how much he hates Lu Han's feigned happiness for quite a while now.
“Lu Han,” Kris says, voice suddenly concerned, “if you don’t want to be roommates with Sehun anymore, you can just say so. We can arrange for new room assignments. You don’t have to do this-staying behind so when you go home he’d be asleep, and by the time you wake up he’d be gone. This isn’t right.”
“Kris...”
“Why don’t you just break up with him?”
“You know I can’t do that,” Lu Han answers, fidgeting at his hands. It sounds more pathetic than it should have.
“Why not?”
“Because I-”
“Love him? Loving him isn’t enough a reason anymore, Lu Han,” Kris concludes for him, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder. “What if he doesn’t want this anymore? Would you face it knowing you’re the one weighing him down?”
When Kris closes the door, Lu Han crumbles to the floor.
It sucks how much Kris is making sense right now.
He’s been pushing himself to the limits lately.
Practising well into the night, long after their trainer has left, long after the last member has given up, long after the last of the trainees has decided to call it a day, long after the security guard downstairs has fallen asleep.
This isn’t really how Lu Han wanted their relationship to go down. He never imagined their fallout to hurt this hard. He never even thought they’d have a fallout. He was enchanted to believe that they were for forever, that he’d always be Sehun’s, and Sehun would always be his. Sehun is his first everything: his first relationship, first kiss, and first person to give his heart, and body, and soul to. It is the same with Sehun, given that Sehun is still quite young and is yet to figure out the workings of the real world. They ventured through things together, holding onto each other’s hands for support.
Lu Han doesn’t remember when he started losing grasp of Sehun’s hand.
Maybe it’s because of all those months spent apart, all those calls unanswered, texts left unread because of hectic schedules and time differences. Even though they have a time difference of just one hour, it makes a whole difference when Sehun calls at 4 AM in the morning and Lu Han has just started comfortably sleeping at 3 AM.
Fighting always ensues, half of the argument coming from an inebriated Lu Han who can’t even open his eyes from the lack of sleep, and the resulting performance of EXO-K has a Sehun with a perpetually pissed off face. It was Lu Han’s fault for picking a fight, especially when Sehun was calling just to check up on him, naturally concerned over his well-being.
Or maybe it’s because of Lu Han’s all-welcoming nature. How he’s always so close with the members, touching them occasionally and paying extra attention when they’re talking to him. Lu Han knows that he’s the type of person that finds comfort in the touches of others, in the warmth of their skin and the sincerity in their smiles. He finds solace in the timbres of the members’ voices, listening to their insecurities, because those are the moments he realises that he’s not alone, and that he isn’t the only one experiencing the repercussions of being scrutinised for being rookies.
But he also should have understood Sehun’s jealous tendencies: how he can easily misinterpret the closeness he has with the members, his honestly platonic touches and comforting pats. He should have understood that Sehun would essentially want Lu Han to treat him differently because he’s his boyfriend, and just because.
He stands up from his prone position on the floor, groaning as his bones pop and his muscles ache. He wonders how Jongin survived living like this during his trainee days.
Jongin.
Lu Han sighs the name as he trudges towards his bag, grabbing the water bottle standing next to it.
If Lu Han has to write a list of Why Sehun and I Are Falling Out, Jongin would be well up at the number one spot. Maybe number two, since Lu Han still likes Jongin as a person.
It started very recently: on the day he, Lay, and Tao got held up at the airport because of their passports.
It was decided that the K members head out first and the M members would follow tomorrow with SNSD. Lu Han had gone with the M members with a heavy heart, and a single unaffectionate “goodbye” from Sehun to cling onto.
When they had arrived at the dorm that’s where he saw the pictures. He had seen the fantaken preview pictures on Weibo, Jongin bent over with pain written all over his face, Sehun’s hand around Jongin’s arm holding him up for support. He couldn’t help but feel bad for Jongin at the time because, based on the comments and the posts of the fans, he took a hard one just then, banging his knee good against the pillar he was pushed to.
Lu Han’s been in loads of situations before where he sustained minor injuries from all the fans’ pushing, having videos on Youku and Youtube of his embarrassing falls as proof. Even had the bruises and a scar to prove it. But he couldn’t help but feel jealous, too.
He saw the next picture, Sehun with his eyebrows scrunched as he looked down on Jongin, probably an “Are you ok, Jong?” slipping from his thin lips. He was beautiful looking really casual like that, even wearing the cap a fan gave Lu Han to relay to Sehun. He looked so concerned, so focused on Jongin’s pained face that the fans’ shouting must’ve drowned out so only Jongin’s reply could be heard, and the sound of Lu Han’s spluttering heart became muted.
He honestly felt jealousy hit at him on all angles, blowing him away painfully with the force of a speeding bullet heading straight and true to end his heart. Sehun wasn’t like this when he tripped recently at Incheon. In fact, Sehun let himself be pushed straight ahead, the hand he had clamped around the fabric of Lu Han’s jacket disappearing as he blended into the torrid crowd. He didn’t fight against the manager herding away, didn’t even bother shouting at him or sending a worried look his way. He didn’t even look back.
When they were in the boarding area he didn’t even fuss over him, just standing there while the members interrogated him, giving him a full-body inspection just in case he was lying. When they boarded the plane, Sehun flopping down beside him and before plugging his earphones and falling asleep in a heartbeat, he’s crestfallen all the more.
He wanted Sehun to fret over him. He wanted Sehun to go into full-blown panic for him, looking back at him then and again while he was being pushed away; worrying if Lu Han got out of the shrieking mess ok. He wanted Sehun to grasp his shoulders, light enough that they don’t bruise or hurt, but firm enough that Lu Han gets the message that Sehun was scared for him, was shaken up because of what happened to him.
He wanted Sehun to look him up and down, scrutinise him for being so goddamn careless and Can’t you at least try to be safe for just one moment, please? For me, Lu Han? He wanted Sehun to pull him close and hug him, chant in his ear that he should never do this ever again, scare him like this, and to Hold my fucking hand and never let go.
But he didn't get any of this, not a single one. It was a bit better when they had landed in Malaysia, Sehun letting Lu Han fall into step with him, exchanging few short words while they waited for the managers to check their luggages out. A fan gave him a bunny plush, and he had shown it to Sehun, reminding him of his jibes from during their trainee days how Sehun affectionately called Lu Han his 小兔子 because he was always jumpy and hyper. It used to elicit all sorts of laughter from the younger when Lu Han acted the role, instant kisses peppered all over Lu Han's face while Sehun chanted the nickname into his skin.
Now all he got was a scowl, Sehun's default straight face that no one really deserved to be at the receiving end of. He only quietly mumbled, "That's good, Lu Han" and "Keep your eyes on where you're going, please". He strained a smile at one point, looking more of a grimace than a small smile. Lu Han tried patronising him, making funny weird faces up in Sehun's personal space, and still no reaction. It normally didn't take much for him to start laughing and inconspicuously pulling him close.
But he couldn’t even make him hold his hand, much less look only his way.
He thought that was just a glitch, maybe an effect of the fatigue Sehun caught from all the preparations for their impending comeback. Because later in the day Sehun had pulled him close, accepted his ministrations, and became the Sehun Lu Han knew. They had shared a couple of kisses here and there, hidden behind closed doors, inside bathroom cubicles, under dim lights when they’re almost sure no one’s looking their way.
However, that didn’t seem like the case when they were finally in the Philippines for a concert.
Lu Han was smiling at the fans, handing out roses and candies while mouthing the foreign song under his breath when he saw the shadow loom over him.
He straightened up and turned around to see Sehun a few steps away from him, looking down at him. The lights were too bright, to the point that he couldn't read the adoration in Sehun's stormy eyes, nor the slight tilt of his lips, that smile he usually reserved for Lu Han only. Sehun's hair was a bright beacon of molten silver, and he was perfect looking ruffled and beautiful.
He approached Sehun. When he's near, near enough that he suddenly saw the flash in Sehun's eyes, he stopped. He's left standing there, agonising whether to reach out and touch him or not, afraid to break and afraid to be rejected. Especially in front of all these people: not all fans of them, not all particularly understanding.
But Sehun reached out a hand, arm stretched over to where Lu Han was. Lu Han could practically hear his whole being sigh in relief, before he started running and latching himself to Sehun's side.
They had walked down the aisle, saying hello and goodbye at the fans, posing for the cameras and smiling. While Lu Han waved at a little spot somewhere in the crowd, he felt Sehun nudge his side with his hand filled with candy.
"Hey, Han, look over there, it's that fansite you like," Sehun had murmured, smiling at the camera of a girl on the right. But Lu Han has his eyes on the rose in Sehun's hand. He reached out for it, his small hand lifting up. Sehun, not really paying attention to Lu Han, pointed at another person in the crowd, making the flower way out of reach. Lu Han had pouted, staying there looking jilted as Sehun chuckled to him about the amount of fanboys in the crowd.
"Sehun-ah," they heard a voice call.
Both of their heads whipped towards the sound, and they saw Jongin making his way to them. While Sehun was disturbed by the added presence, Lu Han had stealthily swiped the rose from his hold, smiling up at Sehun in triumph. But Sehun didn’t get to see the beam Lu Han aimed at him. He never does. Because he's too busy laughing and chatting with Jongin that he can feel himself blur into the background, drown in the overwhelming shouts of the crowd.
He had willed himself to walk with them, to pretend to be happy while jumping and hyping up the fans. A thought ran through his head the same time his eyes met with Jongin's when he turned to look at him. It's like there's a silent message that ran in between them, and he saw Jongin subtly nod.
So Lu Han skipped, a bit until he's a few paces forward. He then went down. He saw the way Sehun suddenly turned his head to his direction, maybe in fear that he fell off the stage, and he watched as Sehun took in his kneeling position, the rose proffered up to him.
Lifetimes and infinities and seconds passed as Lu Han supported himself on his knees, smiling up at Sehun with a rose thrust up in his direction. Sehun just looked down at him, eyes hard. Then he looked away from him, and he could hear his heart breaking along with the surprised shouts of the fangirls witnessing what he was doing, the public denial that Sehun inflicted on him. It hurt way more than what Lu Han expected.
Then Jongin came, and plucked the rose away from his tightening grasp. He twirled the stalk in between his fingers, before offering it up to Sehun. Lu Han couldn't see Sehun's face from his kneeling position, but he could see enough that Sehun was happier with Jongin's proposal, coming to take the rose and pulling him into a hug filled with joyous laughter.
Lu Han laughed as he stood, ignoring the fact that he couldn't hear anymore from the blood rushing hot and fast in his ears. He lagged behind as Sehun and Jongin walked back to the middle of the stage arm-in-arm. Swallowing down the bitterness, he ran, forcing himself to laugh loud as he clasped his hands around Sehun's and Jongin's shoulder, squeezing himself in between them.
It was like all of a sudden he was unwanted, like he wasn’t the one in a relationship with Sehun.
Maybe, Sehun has a point with his sticking next to Jongin than him.
Because Jongin is infinitely better than him. He dances better, has a greater stage presence than him, and is the better face of the group between the two of them. He is also of Sehun’s age group, which means he can understand Sehun better, connect with him on a level that Lu Han can never be able to do.
Lu Han sighs. As much as he wants to, he cannot make himself any younger. He cannot, also, be as good as Jongin in anything. Even when it comes to Sehun’s heart. Maybe.
✹
Lu Han quietly toes off his shoes by the entrance of their dorm. The lights are all out, save for the one in the kitchen that they always keep on. He trudges over and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. He drops his dirty clothes in the hamper on his way to his room, fingers fidgeting at the cap of his water bottle. He opens his door, not bothering to open the lights. He just wants to rest, and probably sleep for a day or an eternity or two after the rigorous training he's imposing on himself. In his preoccupied state, he doesn't notice the shadow looming in his room.
There's a click and, suddenly, the room is flooded with light, blinding Lu Han's dark-accustomed eyes. He turns around and comes to meet horribly familiar eyes, arctic cold and fiery all at the same time.
"Sehun-ah."
Lu Han feels the blood drain from his face as he sees him. Sehun doesn't move from his leaning position on the wall, eyebrows scrunched up in what seems to be a mix of anger and concern.
"Where have you been?"
Sehun's voice is deeper than what Lu Han remembers, maybe an effect of avoiding the younger for so long. He also looks different: there's a different set to his body, his broad shoulders thoroughly emphasised by the dark v-neck shirt he's wearing. He's wearing the shirt Lu Han gifted him for their fifth month anniversary, and it just brings back a clusterfuck of memories from their relationship's halcyon days. Before all this.
His blond hair glares under the lights, and his eyes are positively seething. He can feel the anger roiling inside Sehun, some of it leaking and washing over Lu Han like waves.
Lu Han has never really seen Sehun angry before, and no one really wants to. The youngest member has always been said to have infinite patience, but a horrible temper that no one will ever want to be at the brunt of. Sehun's narrow eyes, if it is still possible, narrow more, reducing them into slits as he tries his best not to burst at Lu Han.
It makes Lu Han angry too.
Because as far as Lu Han knows, Sehun isn’t the one getting hurt, isn’t the one confused as hell, and isn’t the one forced to watch his supposed boyfriend start preferring the company of another. But looking at Sehun’s face reigns in Lu Han’s anger, and keeps it at bay. Nothing good will come out of getting angry. The last thing he wants is to say something he doesn’t mean in the height of his anger tirade.
"What are you trying to pull by coming home this late?" Sehun demands, his voice still steely and calm, though still bursting with authority. "You don't go home with the members, and you don't answer your phone. Is there something wrong?"
Everything is wrong.
Lu Han wants to say something, to retort or to scream or to shout at Sehun, to tell him to stop fucking pretending you're concerned. But no words come out of his mouth, choking on his syllables as he feels tears starting to prickle at his eyes. The hurt is bubbling up his lungs and he can almost taste it, bitter and metallic. He bites his lips, thinning them in an effort to not burst into tears.
He honestly doesn't have any more tears to shed, Lu Han believes. What with the amount of crying he has been doing, he thinks his oceans have already run dry. But Sehun's harshness is bringing back all of Lu Han's fears and he realises with a fast sinking heart that this is it. It's the fallout.
"Lu Han," Sehun says, his lips moving from their thinned position, "You need to tell me what's wrong."
Lu Han's eyes move back and forth Sehun's, feeling them moisten as he tries to find it in himself to start. His vision blurs around the edges as he whispers, "You."
"What?"
Lu Han averts his eyes down to his hands, where his fingers are wringing at the end of his shirt. Force of habit. "You," he repeats, this time a little louder. His voice sounds weak, and he winces.
"Me?" Sehun asks, incredulous. "What did I do?"
"I-" Lu Han feels his throat close up, and his vision increases in blurriness. "I don't want this anymore." It hurt to be the one to deliver the blow, but the suffocating hurt has been eating at him from the inside for a while now, and nothing could ever hurt as much as that.
But Lu Han is proven wrong when he sees the shift in Sehun's stoic demeanour, his mask of indifference slipping to show anger, disbelief, confusion, and hurt warring around his face. He stifles a sob by biting down on his lips, looking away.
"What," Sehun straightens, and brings his arms to his sides, "what are you trying to say?"
"You don't have to lie to me anymore," Lu Han struggles out, trying his best not to sob, "You don't have to pretend that you want me anymore."
"What are you saying, Lu Han, I don't understand you," Sehun says. He pushes himself away from the wall and starts walking to Lu Han, only to be stopped. Lu Han has a hand up in the air, signalling him to not come any closer.
"I-I get it if you want someone better than me." Lu Han gulps, breathing through his mouth. He uses his free hand to wipe at his eyes, unshed tears clinging to his skin. "If you want to leave me it's fine. I'm doing this for you, Sehun. I'm doing this for your own good."
Sehun's jaw visibly clenches. "What?"
"All you had to do was tell me, ok?" Lu Han makes the mistake of looking back up at Sehun, and his heart clenches at the way Sehun's torrential eyes are bordering on anguish. "I've loved, and I've lost. You can leave now."
"So this is how it's going to be?" Sehun asks, voice a little too loud. Lu Han remains quiet, trying to stop his lips from quivering and his dam from breaking.
"So you want to hurt me? You want to leave me?" Sehun shouts, that blue-green vein at his right temple looking more prominent as he blows air through his clenched teeth. Lu Han flinches, backing himself into the wall opposite Sehun. They are on opposite sides of the room now, and Sehun is a million miles too close.
"I never wanted this," Lu Han starts, voice breaking in the end, "but it hurts and I ca-"
"Is there someone else?" Sehun cuts in, voice deadly calm.
And Sehun leaves him speechless, but when the initial shock blew over, he finds himself aghast, and horribly betrayed, and angered, and who do you fucking think you are.
"I'm the one with someone else?" Lu Han finally explodes, "Bullshit, Sehun! This relationship is everything to me and you think I'm with someone else?"
His tears are falling freely now, trickling down his cheekbones as he stares up at Sehun. Hurt and despair mar his beautiful face before it turns livid.
"Then tell me what I'm doing fucking wrong!" Sehun explodes back, balling his hands into fists, suppressing his need to wreck things.
"Everything!" Lu Han gasps as his sobs start wracking through his body. "Do you know how much it hurts to see you happy with someone else? Do you know how much it hurts to be ignored by the one you love the most?"
"What are you talking about I have nev-"
"Bullshit, still," Lu Han declares, looking up at Sehun with eyes saturated with tears. "What about you and Jongin? What about you and all of the days you ignored me? I don't know where I went wrong," Lu Han breathes in, raking a shaky hand through his hair, "Am I not enough? Obviously I'm not, right?"
"Babe, please," Sehun pleads, walking forward.
"Please don't come any closer," Lu Han whimpers, pressing himself further into the cement of the bedroom wall, as if it'll put that much infinite space between them. "Don't call me that." His tears are still flowing, and it fucking hurts to be this vulnerable.
Seconds and minutes pass as they stand there, Sehun looking down at Lu Han as Lu Han stares at the floor, willing his tears to stop.
"I was instructed by the management," Sehun says after the time has stretched between them. "I never wanted any of these things to happen. To avoid you, and ignore you. It hurt so fucking much when you fell at the airport and I couldn't even help you."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lu Han whispers the words, and Sehun almost misses them.
"Because I also wanted to know something for myself. Maybe I wanted to try to experience how life would be if I wasn't with you, what it would be like if we weren’t together. And I’ve realised that I’d never want that to happen."
Lu Han lifts his head, and finds that yes, he can indeed cry some more. He watches Sehun with sad eyes, and thinks isn't this supposed to be the best for them: for him to back off? But how come it isn't doing them any good, breaking them all the more? Why is Sehun cracking in front of him?
"I-I never want to hurt you, Sehun. Not when I love you so much it hurts, not when your existence affects me on a whole worldly impossible degree." Lu Han takes a big breath in, "But I feel like I'm weighing you down, Sehun, and I can't let that happen. I want you to be more than what you are now, and if letting you go will make that happen, then I will."
Lu Han is surprised his eyes are dry. He means each and every word, with each and every inch of his life. He looks up at Sehun, whose eyes are shiny and sad, and finishes, "There is no one else. It was and always will be you, Sehun-ah."
"Then why are you doing this? Why are we doing this?" Sehun finally takes the needed steps, ignoring how Lu Han cowers himself into the wall. He doesn't stop until his forehead is already touching Lu Han's. It hurts to watch the one person he loves the most falling apart in pieces, falling with him-because of him. He stares at the light purple of Lu Han's closed eyelids, and cups Lu Han's cheek. "Lu Han, please look at me."
Finally, unrelentingly, Lu Han feels the tears coming up again, escaping the sides of his closed eyes. He opens them slowly, and he sees Sehun-really sees him. Sehun brushes Lu Han's tears away tenderly with his fingers, and Lu Han leans into his touch naturally. It's the comfortable warmth he's been yearning for, that familiar essence of Sehun.
"It's always been you, Lu Han." Sehun caresses Lu Han's face, brings up his other hand to cup his cheeks, tilting his head up to peer at him better: take him in. "Don't do this to me-to us. I know you deserve someone so much better than me," Lu Han shakes his head back and forth, "but I've realised that I can't live without you, that I can't live in a world where you're not there, beside me."
He sweeps Lu Han's fringe away to reveal his forehead, and presses kiss after kiss on the soft skin there, and he whispers, "I can't-I don't know what life is outside of us. Outside of you." He puts space in between them, holding Lu Han at arm's length. "We is the only thing I know in this world now, and how will you expect me to live when you want to leave me?”
Lu Han feels something break inside his chest, like something has just clicked back into place, and he finds himself bunching up Sehun’s shirt into his tightly clenched fists. He pulls him in, and his lips plant themselves firmly on Sehun’s. And Sehun kisses back, pouring all of the emotions he could never put into words on every brush of his lips with Lu Han’s.
This kiss is nostalgically like their first: hesitant and careful, fleeting presses of mouth against mouth. The fear of breaking each other laces the air, and Sehun kisses Lu Han with such fragility, almost afraid that if he pushes further he might shatter him.
It's a mess of tears as Lu Han grips at Sehun's shirt some more, using him as an anchor to remind himself that this is real and he's not going to let go. Lu Han sobs against Sehun's lips, and Sehun wraps his arms around him tighter, whispering litanies of It's ok and I love you to him.
Sehun guides them away from the wall and onto the bed, pushing him down lightly into the mattress. Lu Han shifts his hands to rest on Sehun's shoulders, his fingers moulding to the shape of it.
Sehun kisses him reverently as he strips Lu Han of his clothes, fingers soft and light on his heating skin. Lu Han takes his time running his hands under Sehun's shirt, stroking the lean torso underneath before lifting it up over Sehun's head. Sehun makes a path of red kisses like stars along the pale column of Lu Han's neck: nibbling and sucking hard enough that they colour, but soft enough that they don't bruise.
Sehun tugs off Lu Han's jeans and underwear, shedding the remainder of his garments as well. He takes his time in joining Lu Han. He kisses the inside of Lu Han's ankles, and crawls up, hands gliding over the supple, and milky skin of Lu Han's legs. He kisses Lu Han's knees, the inside of his thighs. He kisses the dips of Lu Han's pelvis, his navel, the space between his collarbones. He pays homage to Lu Han's body, showing Lu Han how much Sehun appreciates him, adores him. He tries to show Lu Han how much he loves him, every possible inch of him.
Lu Han lets Sehun hold him, and treat him with utmost care. Sehun caresses Lu Han as if he's porcelain, as if he'll break with the slightest pressure. And maybe he will, Lu Han thinks as he parts his legs to accommodate Sehun's presence in between him. He's been strung for so long, the tension stretched inside him that one move will eventually snap it in half and free him. He misses the warmth of Sehun's touch, the dampness of his lips on his, the scent of Sehun flooding his senses.
"Tell me if you don't want this," Sehun whispers to him, bracing his hands on either side of Lu Han's head. He's looking down at him, hair a mess and lips kiss-rouged. Sehun is sceptic to take the next step, afraid that maybe he's just imposing himself on Lu Han, and Lu Han doesn't really want this anymore.
But Lu Han shakes his head. His hand slides to cup Sehun's nape, and brings him down to murmur into his lips, "I want this. I'll always want this. I'll always want you."
So Sehun prepares and stretches him, easing his lubed fingers in and out of him carefully and slowly, trying to make it least painful as possible. But Lu Han thinks he needs the pain more. He needs to feel.
"Please, Sehun-ah," Lu Han breathes as he rocks against Sehun's fingers. He digs his nails into Sehun's shoulders, hard enough that he knows he'll break skin. He lifts his legs to wrap them around Sehun's waist, cants his hips up show Sehun how much he needs him. "Please."
Sehun groans as he feels the delicious friction of Lu Han's cock with his, and he takes his position in front of Lu Han's entrance. He is nearly in, almost breaking through when he stops.
He looks at Lu Han with eyes glazed with want, and love, and affection. There is also concern. Lu Han's heart stutters in chest. He is amazed that he still has this effect on Sehun, that he can make Sehun want him more than anything.
"Tell me to stop," Sehun says out, his biceps flexing as he gropes at the bedsheets around Lu Han's head. Lu Han feels the full magnitude of his importance to Sehun. He can feel Sehun trembling above him, just like him, and he's never wanted Sehun so much in his life.
He pulls Sehun down and kisses him, kisses him with his everything. He puts everything in it, all of the hurt and the pain and the love that he has for Sehun. "Never stop. Never ever stop."
With his ankles locked over Sehun's tailbone, Lu Han nudges him in, and he arches into Sehun's chest holding him impossibly closer as Sehun continues to push himself in. It’s too tight, and too hot, and it’s awfully like coming home, like everything is falling back into place.
And it's like their first time all over again, the softness and vulnerability there as they establish a rhythm together, slow and beautiful. Sehun kisses the tears away from his eyes as he thrusts in Lu Han, winding their fingers together. They take their time making love, savouring every bolt of pleasure and every toe-curling sensation as they try to erase away the doubt, the pain, and the hurt from each other.
Sehun presses featherlight kisses all over Lu Han's wrists, his fingers, the skin covering his knuckles. Lu Han rakes the sole of his foot over the pebbles of Sehun's spine, urging him to go faster, to keep going and to
"Never stop. Never ever stop."
And Sehun doesn't. He keeps on rocking into him and pleasuring Lu Han the way only he knows how. He chants different permutations of you're beautiful and I love you and it's always you like they're the only sentences he can say. He says them honestly and truly, as if every syllable can erase Lu Han's fears and insecurities.
He doesn't stop until Lu Han understands that Sehun loves him, punctuating it with a sound kiss. And he doesn't stop until Lu Han comes, shuddering and crying out in pleasure.
Lu Han knows it's wrong to have doubted Sehun and his love, that his fallacy is enough proof that he doesn't deserve Sehun wholly: his kisses, his all-consuming love, his everything. But Sehun brushes his lips on his with the ghost of an I love you so much passing from his mouth and into Lu Han's, and the words burrow themselves into his flesh, tattooing themselves into his veins so every time his heart beats and his blood flows he'll be reminded. So he'll never forget.
"You won't leave me, right?" Lu Han whispers much later against Sehun's chest, head nestled there. Sehun is carding his fingers through Lu Han's hair when he finally replies,
"I can never leave you."
- basically:
@saccharines i'll give you one week and i expect you to deliver a high quality fic
@saccharines the only requirements i have is: hunhan, detailed smut, and shit load of angst.
- i'm so sorry jelly bear but i think i failed in everything
- but this is basically the gda + dkfc fic that i've crying over bc sehun seemed to undergo this self-imposed homo repentance and i went cray
- i'm sorry for the fic, it's bad i know ;;
- 小兔子 means little bunny totally not creative OTL
but if you guys want me to write you guys something, or just want to be friends, hit me up here on twitter or leave an ask on tumblr!
pairing: sehun/lu han
genre: angst
rating: R
word count: ~5k w
summary: Because there are times that Lu Han needs the assurance that he can still have this effect on Sehun. That he can still make explosions.
Lu Han lies exhausted on the practice room floor, panting from exhaustion. He has an arm thrown over his eyes to block out the glaring white of the ceiling lights, mouth open as he tries to catch his breath. His legs feel like jelly sprawled out on the cold surface, his calf muscles clenching quite painfully from his rigorous training. His clothes cling to his cooling, sweat-slicked skin. The room feels harshly cold to his burning body.
“Lu Han, let’s go,” Kris orders from the doorway of the practice room.
“I think I’ll stay, Duizhang, I want to get this move down,” Lu Han answers tightening the knot of his sneakers. He stands up, a little too jumpy for Kris’ liking. Kris has been voicing out how much he hates Lu Han's feigned happiness for quite a while now.
“Lu Han,” Kris says, voice suddenly concerned, “if you don’t want to be roommates with Sehun anymore, you can just say so. We can arrange for new room assignments. You don’t have to do this-staying behind so when you go home he’d be asleep, and by the time you wake up he’d be gone. This isn’t right.”
“Kris...”
“Why don’t you just break up with him?”
“You know I can’t do that,” Lu Han answers, fidgeting at his hands. It sounds more pathetic than it should have.
“Why not?”
“Because I-”
“Love him? Loving him isn’t enough a reason anymore, Lu Han,” Kris concludes for him, slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder. “What if he doesn’t want this anymore? Would you face it knowing you’re the one weighing him down?”
When Kris closes the door, Lu Han crumbles to the floor.
It sucks how much Kris is making sense right now.
He’s been pushing himself to the limits lately.
Practising well into the night, long after their trainer has left, long after the last member has given up, long after the last of the trainees has decided to call it a day, long after the security guard downstairs has fallen asleep.
This isn’t really how Lu Han wanted their relationship to go down. He never imagined their fallout to hurt this hard. He never even thought they’d have a fallout. He was enchanted to believe that they were for forever, that he’d always be Sehun’s, and Sehun would always be his. Sehun is his first everything: his first relationship, first kiss, and first person to give his heart, and body, and soul to. It is the same with Sehun, given that Sehun is still quite young and is yet to figure out the workings of the real world. They ventured through things together, holding onto each other’s hands for support.
Lu Han doesn’t remember when he started losing grasp of Sehun’s hand.
Maybe it’s because of all those months spent apart, all those calls unanswered, texts left unread because of hectic schedules and time differences. Even though they have a time difference of just one hour, it makes a whole difference when Sehun calls at 4 AM in the morning and Lu Han has just started comfortably sleeping at 3 AM.
Fighting always ensues, half of the argument coming from an inebriated Lu Han who can’t even open his eyes from the lack of sleep, and the resulting performance of EXO-K has a Sehun with a perpetually pissed off face. It was Lu Han’s fault for picking a fight, especially when Sehun was calling just to check up on him, naturally concerned over his well-being.
Or maybe it’s because of Lu Han’s all-welcoming nature. How he’s always so close with the members, touching them occasionally and paying extra attention when they’re talking to him. Lu Han knows that he’s the type of person that finds comfort in the touches of others, in the warmth of their skin and the sincerity in their smiles. He finds solace in the timbres of the members’ voices, listening to their insecurities, because those are the moments he realises that he’s not alone, and that he isn’t the only one experiencing the repercussions of being scrutinised for being rookies.
But he also should have understood Sehun’s jealous tendencies: how he can easily misinterpret the closeness he has with the members, his honestly platonic touches and comforting pats. He should have understood that Sehun would essentially want Lu Han to treat him differently because he’s his boyfriend, and just because.
He stands up from his prone position on the floor, groaning as his bones pop and his muscles ache. He wonders how Jongin survived living like this during his trainee days.
Jongin.
Lu Han sighs the name as he trudges towards his bag, grabbing the water bottle standing next to it.
If Lu Han has to write a list of Why Sehun and I Are Falling Out, Jongin would be well up at the number one spot. Maybe number two, since Lu Han still likes Jongin as a person.
It started very recently: on the day he, Lay, and Tao got held up at the airport because of their passports.
It was decided that the K members head out first and the M members would follow tomorrow with SNSD. Lu Han had gone with the M members with a heavy heart, and a single unaffectionate “goodbye” from Sehun to cling onto.
When they had arrived at the dorm that’s where he saw the pictures. He had seen the fantaken preview pictures on Weibo, Jongin bent over with pain written all over his face, Sehun’s hand around Jongin’s arm holding him up for support. He couldn’t help but feel bad for Jongin at the time because, based on the comments and the posts of the fans, he took a hard one just then, banging his knee good against the pillar he was pushed to.
Lu Han’s been in loads of situations before where he sustained minor injuries from all the fans’ pushing, having videos on Youku and Youtube of his embarrassing falls as proof. Even had the bruises and a scar to prove it. But he couldn’t help but feel jealous, too.
He saw the next picture, Sehun with his eyebrows scrunched as he looked down on Jongin, probably an “Are you ok, Jong?” slipping from his thin lips. He was beautiful looking really casual like that, even wearing the cap a fan gave Lu Han to relay to Sehun. He looked so concerned, so focused on Jongin’s pained face that the fans’ shouting must’ve drowned out so only Jongin’s reply could be heard, and the sound of Lu Han’s spluttering heart became muted.
He honestly felt jealousy hit at him on all angles, blowing him away painfully with the force of a speeding bullet heading straight and true to end his heart. Sehun wasn’t like this when he tripped recently at Incheon. In fact, Sehun let himself be pushed straight ahead, the hand he had clamped around the fabric of Lu Han’s jacket disappearing as he blended into the torrid crowd. He didn’t fight against the manager herding away, didn’t even bother shouting at him or sending a worried look his way. He didn’t even look back.
When they were in the boarding area he didn’t even fuss over him, just standing there while the members interrogated him, giving him a full-body inspection just in case he was lying. When they boarded the plane, Sehun flopping down beside him and before plugging his earphones and falling asleep in a heartbeat, he’s crestfallen all the more.
He wanted Sehun to fret over him. He wanted Sehun to go into full-blown panic for him, looking back at him then and again while he was being pushed away; worrying if Lu Han got out of the shrieking mess ok. He wanted Sehun to grasp his shoulders, light enough that they don’t bruise or hurt, but firm enough that Lu Han gets the message that Sehun was scared for him, was shaken up because of what happened to him.
He wanted Sehun to look him up and down, scrutinise him for being so goddamn careless and Can’t you at least try to be safe for just one moment, please? For me, Lu Han? He wanted Sehun to pull him close and hug him, chant in his ear that he should never do this ever again, scare him like this, and to Hold my fucking hand and never let go.
But he didn't get any of this, not a single one. It was a bit better when they had landed in Malaysia, Sehun letting Lu Han fall into step with him, exchanging few short words while they waited for the managers to check their luggages out. A fan gave him a bunny plush, and he had shown it to Sehun, reminding him of his jibes from during their trainee days how Sehun affectionately called Lu Han his 小兔子 because he was always jumpy and hyper. It used to elicit all sorts of laughter from the younger when Lu Han acted the role, instant kisses peppered all over Lu Han's face while Sehun chanted the nickname into his skin.
Now all he got was a scowl, Sehun's default straight face that no one really deserved to be at the receiving end of. He only quietly mumbled, "That's good, Lu Han" and "Keep your eyes on where you're going, please". He strained a smile at one point, looking more of a grimace than a small smile. Lu Han tried patronising him, making funny weird faces up in Sehun's personal space, and still no reaction. It normally didn't take much for him to start laughing and inconspicuously pulling him close.
But he couldn’t even make him hold his hand, much less look only his way.
He thought that was just a glitch, maybe an effect of the fatigue Sehun caught from all the preparations for their impending comeback. Because later in the day Sehun had pulled him close, accepted his ministrations, and became the Sehun Lu Han knew. They had shared a couple of kisses here and there, hidden behind closed doors, inside bathroom cubicles, under dim lights when they’re almost sure no one’s looking their way.
However, that didn’t seem like the case when they were finally in the Philippines for a concert.
Lu Han was smiling at the fans, handing out roses and candies while mouthing the foreign song under his breath when he saw the shadow loom over him.
He straightened up and turned around to see Sehun a few steps away from him, looking down at him. The lights were too bright, to the point that he couldn't read the adoration in Sehun's stormy eyes, nor the slight tilt of his lips, that smile he usually reserved for Lu Han only. Sehun's hair was a bright beacon of molten silver, and he was perfect looking ruffled and beautiful.
He approached Sehun. When he's near, near enough that he suddenly saw the flash in Sehun's eyes, he stopped. He's left standing there, agonising whether to reach out and touch him or not, afraid to break and afraid to be rejected. Especially in front of all these people: not all fans of them, not all particularly understanding.
But Sehun reached out a hand, arm stretched over to where Lu Han was. Lu Han could practically hear his whole being sigh in relief, before he started running and latching himself to Sehun's side.
They had walked down the aisle, saying hello and goodbye at the fans, posing for the cameras and smiling. While Lu Han waved at a little spot somewhere in the crowd, he felt Sehun nudge his side with his hand filled with candy.
"Hey, Han, look over there, it's that fansite you like," Sehun had murmured, smiling at the camera of a girl on the right. But Lu Han has his eyes on the rose in Sehun's hand. He reached out for it, his small hand lifting up. Sehun, not really paying attention to Lu Han, pointed at another person in the crowd, making the flower way out of reach. Lu Han had pouted, staying there looking jilted as Sehun chuckled to him about the amount of fanboys in the crowd.
"Sehun-ah," they heard a voice call.
Both of their heads whipped towards the sound, and they saw Jongin making his way to them. While Sehun was disturbed by the added presence, Lu Han had stealthily swiped the rose from his hold, smiling up at Sehun in triumph. But Sehun didn’t get to see the beam Lu Han aimed at him. He never does. Because he's too busy laughing and chatting with Jongin that he can feel himself blur into the background, drown in the overwhelming shouts of the crowd.
He had willed himself to walk with them, to pretend to be happy while jumping and hyping up the fans. A thought ran through his head the same time his eyes met with Jongin's when he turned to look at him. It's like there's a silent message that ran in between them, and he saw Jongin subtly nod.
So Lu Han skipped, a bit until he's a few paces forward. He then went down. He saw the way Sehun suddenly turned his head to his direction, maybe in fear that he fell off the stage, and he watched as Sehun took in his kneeling position, the rose proffered up to him.
Lifetimes and infinities and seconds passed as Lu Han supported himself on his knees, smiling up at Sehun with a rose thrust up in his direction. Sehun just looked down at him, eyes hard. Then he looked away from him, and he could hear his heart breaking along with the surprised shouts of the fangirls witnessing what he was doing, the public denial that Sehun inflicted on him. It hurt way more than what Lu Han expected.
Then Jongin came, and plucked the rose away from his tightening grasp. He twirled the stalk in between his fingers, before offering it up to Sehun. Lu Han couldn't see Sehun's face from his kneeling position, but he could see enough that Sehun was happier with Jongin's proposal, coming to take the rose and pulling him into a hug filled with joyous laughter.
Lu Han laughed as he stood, ignoring the fact that he couldn't hear anymore from the blood rushing hot and fast in his ears. He lagged behind as Sehun and Jongin walked back to the middle of the stage arm-in-arm. Swallowing down the bitterness, he ran, forcing himself to laugh loud as he clasped his hands around Sehun's and Jongin's shoulder, squeezing himself in between them.
It was like all of a sudden he was unwanted, like he wasn’t the one in a relationship with Sehun.
Maybe, Sehun has a point with his sticking next to Jongin than him.
Because Jongin is infinitely better than him. He dances better, has a greater stage presence than him, and is the better face of the group between the two of them. He is also of Sehun’s age group, which means he can understand Sehun better, connect with him on a level that Lu Han can never be able to do.
Lu Han sighs. As much as he wants to, he cannot make himself any younger. He cannot, also, be as good as Jongin in anything. Even when it comes to Sehun’s heart. Maybe.
✹
Lu Han quietly toes off his shoes by the entrance of their dorm. The lights are all out, save for the one in the kitchen that they always keep on. He trudges over and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. He drops his dirty clothes in the hamper on his way to his room, fingers fidgeting at the cap of his water bottle. He opens his door, not bothering to open the lights. He just wants to rest, and probably sleep for a day or an eternity or two after the rigorous training he's imposing on himself. In his preoccupied state, he doesn't notice the shadow looming in his room.
There's a click and, suddenly, the room is flooded with light, blinding Lu Han's dark-accustomed eyes. He turns around and comes to meet horribly familiar eyes, arctic cold and fiery all at the same time.
"Sehun-ah."
Lu Han feels the blood drain from his face as he sees him. Sehun doesn't move from his leaning position on the wall, eyebrows scrunched up in what seems to be a mix of anger and concern.
"Where have you been?"
Sehun's voice is deeper than what Lu Han remembers, maybe an effect of avoiding the younger for so long. He also looks different: there's a different set to his body, his broad shoulders thoroughly emphasised by the dark v-neck shirt he's wearing. He's wearing the shirt Lu Han gifted him for their fifth month anniversary, and it just brings back a clusterfuck of memories from their relationship's halcyon days. Before all this.
His blond hair glares under the lights, and his eyes are positively seething. He can feel the anger roiling inside Sehun, some of it leaking and washing over Lu Han like waves.
Lu Han has never really seen Sehun angry before, and no one really wants to. The youngest member has always been said to have infinite patience, but a horrible temper that no one will ever want to be at the brunt of. Sehun's narrow eyes, if it is still possible, narrow more, reducing them into slits as he tries his best not to burst at Lu Han.
It makes Lu Han angry too.
Because as far as Lu Han knows, Sehun isn’t the one getting hurt, isn’t the one confused as hell, and isn’t the one forced to watch his supposed boyfriend start preferring the company of another. But looking at Sehun’s face reigns in Lu Han’s anger, and keeps it at bay. Nothing good will come out of getting angry. The last thing he wants is to say something he doesn’t mean in the height of his anger tirade.
"What are you trying to pull by coming home this late?" Sehun demands, his voice still steely and calm, though still bursting with authority. "You don't go home with the members, and you don't answer your phone. Is there something wrong?"
Everything is wrong.
Lu Han wants to say something, to retort or to scream or to shout at Sehun, to tell him to stop fucking pretending you're concerned. But no words come out of his mouth, choking on his syllables as he feels tears starting to prickle at his eyes. The hurt is bubbling up his lungs and he can almost taste it, bitter and metallic. He bites his lips, thinning them in an effort to not burst into tears.
He honestly doesn't have any more tears to shed, Lu Han believes. What with the amount of crying he has been doing, he thinks his oceans have already run dry. But Sehun's harshness is bringing back all of Lu Han's fears and he realises with a fast sinking heart that this is it. It's the fallout.
"Lu Han," Sehun says, his lips moving from their thinned position, "You need to tell me what's wrong."
Lu Han's eyes move back and forth Sehun's, feeling them moisten as he tries to find it in himself to start. His vision blurs around the edges as he whispers, "You."
"What?"
Lu Han averts his eyes down to his hands, where his fingers are wringing at the end of his shirt. Force of habit. "You," he repeats, this time a little louder. His voice sounds weak, and he winces.
"Me?" Sehun asks, incredulous. "What did I do?"
"I-" Lu Han feels his throat close up, and his vision increases in blurriness. "I don't want this anymore." It hurt to be the one to deliver the blow, but the suffocating hurt has been eating at him from the inside for a while now, and nothing could ever hurt as much as that.
But Lu Han is proven wrong when he sees the shift in Sehun's stoic demeanour, his mask of indifference slipping to show anger, disbelief, confusion, and hurt warring around his face. He stifles a sob by biting down on his lips, looking away.
"What," Sehun straightens, and brings his arms to his sides, "what are you trying to say?"
"You don't have to lie to me anymore," Lu Han struggles out, trying his best not to sob, "You don't have to pretend that you want me anymore."
"What are you saying, Lu Han, I don't understand you," Sehun says. He pushes himself away from the wall and starts walking to Lu Han, only to be stopped. Lu Han has a hand up in the air, signalling him to not come any closer.
"I-I get it if you want someone better than me." Lu Han gulps, breathing through his mouth. He uses his free hand to wipe at his eyes, unshed tears clinging to his skin. "If you want to leave me it's fine. I'm doing this for you, Sehun. I'm doing this for your own good."
Sehun's jaw visibly clenches. "What?"
"All you had to do was tell me, ok?" Lu Han makes the mistake of looking back up at Sehun, and his heart clenches at the way Sehun's torrential eyes are bordering on anguish. "I've loved, and I've lost. You can leave now."
"So this is how it's going to be?" Sehun asks, voice a little too loud. Lu Han remains quiet, trying to stop his lips from quivering and his dam from breaking.
"So you want to hurt me? You want to leave me?" Sehun shouts, that blue-green vein at his right temple looking more prominent as he blows air through his clenched teeth. Lu Han flinches, backing himself into the wall opposite Sehun. They are on opposite sides of the room now, and Sehun is a million miles too close.
"I never wanted this," Lu Han starts, voice breaking in the end, "but it hurts and I ca-"
"Is there someone else?" Sehun cuts in, voice deadly calm.
And Sehun leaves him speechless, but when the initial shock blew over, he finds himself aghast, and horribly betrayed, and angered, and who do you fucking think you are.
"I'm the one with someone else?" Lu Han finally explodes, "Bullshit, Sehun! This relationship is everything to me and you think I'm with someone else?"
His tears are falling freely now, trickling down his cheekbones as he stares up at Sehun. Hurt and despair mar his beautiful face before it turns livid.
"Then tell me what I'm doing fucking wrong!" Sehun explodes back, balling his hands into fists, suppressing his need to wreck things.
"Everything!" Lu Han gasps as his sobs start wracking through his body. "Do you know how much it hurts to see you happy with someone else? Do you know how much it hurts to be ignored by the one you love the most?"
"What are you talking about I have nev-"
"Bullshit, still," Lu Han declares, looking up at Sehun with eyes saturated with tears. "What about you and Jongin? What about you and all of the days you ignored me? I don't know where I went wrong," Lu Han breathes in, raking a shaky hand through his hair, "Am I not enough? Obviously I'm not, right?"
"Babe, please," Sehun pleads, walking forward.
"Please don't come any closer," Lu Han whimpers, pressing himself further into the cement of the bedroom wall, as if it'll put that much infinite space between them. "Don't call me that." His tears are still flowing, and it fucking hurts to be this vulnerable.
Seconds and minutes pass as they stand there, Sehun looking down at Lu Han as Lu Han stares at the floor, willing his tears to stop.
"I was instructed by the management," Sehun says after the time has stretched between them. "I never wanted any of these things to happen. To avoid you, and ignore you. It hurt so fucking much when you fell at the airport and I couldn't even help you."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lu Han whispers the words, and Sehun almost misses them.
"Because I also wanted to know something for myself. Maybe I wanted to try to experience how life would be if I wasn't with you, what it would be like if we weren’t together. And I’ve realised that I’d never want that to happen."
Lu Han lifts his head, and finds that yes, he can indeed cry some more. He watches Sehun with sad eyes, and thinks isn't this supposed to be the best for them: for him to back off? But how come it isn't doing them any good, breaking them all the more? Why is Sehun cracking in front of him?
"I-I never want to hurt you, Sehun. Not when I love you so much it hurts, not when your existence affects me on a whole worldly impossible degree." Lu Han takes a big breath in, "But I feel like I'm weighing you down, Sehun, and I can't let that happen. I want you to be more than what you are now, and if letting you go will make that happen, then I will."
Lu Han is surprised his eyes are dry. He means each and every word, with each and every inch of his life. He looks up at Sehun, whose eyes are shiny and sad, and finishes, "There is no one else. It was and always will be you, Sehun-ah."
"Then why are you doing this? Why are we doing this?" Sehun finally takes the needed steps, ignoring how Lu Han cowers himself into the wall. He doesn't stop until his forehead is already touching Lu Han's. It hurts to watch the one person he loves the most falling apart in pieces, falling with him-because of him. He stares at the light purple of Lu Han's closed eyelids, and cups Lu Han's cheek. "Lu Han, please look at me."
Finally, unrelentingly, Lu Han feels the tears coming up again, escaping the sides of his closed eyes. He opens them slowly, and he sees Sehun-really sees him. Sehun brushes Lu Han's tears away tenderly with his fingers, and Lu Han leans into his touch naturally. It's the comfortable warmth he's been yearning for, that familiar essence of Sehun.
"It's always been you, Lu Han." Sehun caresses Lu Han's face, brings up his other hand to cup his cheeks, tilting his head up to peer at him better: take him in. "Don't do this to me-to us. I know you deserve someone so much better than me," Lu Han shakes his head back and forth, "but I've realised that I can't live without you, that I can't live in a world where you're not there, beside me."
He sweeps Lu Han's fringe away to reveal his forehead, and presses kiss after kiss on the soft skin there, and he whispers, "I can't-I don't know what life is outside of us. Outside of you." He puts space in between them, holding Lu Han at arm's length. "We is the only thing I know in this world now, and how will you expect me to live when you want to leave me?”
Lu Han feels something break inside his chest, like something has just clicked back into place, and he finds himself bunching up Sehun’s shirt into his tightly clenched fists. He pulls him in, and his lips plant themselves firmly on Sehun’s. And Sehun kisses back, pouring all of the emotions he could never put into words on every brush of his lips with Lu Han’s.
This kiss is nostalgically like their first: hesitant and careful, fleeting presses of mouth against mouth. The fear of breaking each other laces the air, and Sehun kisses Lu Han with such fragility, almost afraid that if he pushes further he might shatter him.
It's a mess of tears as Lu Han grips at Sehun's shirt some more, using him as an anchor to remind himself that this is real and he's not going to let go. Lu Han sobs against Sehun's lips, and Sehun wraps his arms around him tighter, whispering litanies of It's ok and I love you to him.
Sehun guides them away from the wall and onto the bed, pushing him down lightly into the mattress. Lu Han shifts his hands to rest on Sehun's shoulders, his fingers moulding to the shape of it.
Sehun kisses him reverently as he strips Lu Han of his clothes, fingers soft and light on his heating skin. Lu Han takes his time running his hands under Sehun's shirt, stroking the lean torso underneath before lifting it up over Sehun's head. Sehun makes a path of red kisses like stars along the pale column of Lu Han's neck: nibbling and sucking hard enough that they colour, but soft enough that they don't bruise.
Sehun tugs off Lu Han's jeans and underwear, shedding the remainder of his garments as well. He takes his time in joining Lu Han. He kisses the inside of Lu Han's ankles, and crawls up, hands gliding over the supple, and milky skin of Lu Han's legs. He kisses Lu Han's knees, the inside of his thighs. He kisses the dips of Lu Han's pelvis, his navel, the space between his collarbones. He pays homage to Lu Han's body, showing Lu Han how much Sehun appreciates him, adores him. He tries to show Lu Han how much he loves him, every possible inch of him.
Lu Han lets Sehun hold him, and treat him with utmost care. Sehun caresses Lu Han as if he's porcelain, as if he'll break with the slightest pressure. And maybe he will, Lu Han thinks as he parts his legs to accommodate Sehun's presence in between him. He's been strung for so long, the tension stretched inside him that one move will eventually snap it in half and free him. He misses the warmth of Sehun's touch, the dampness of his lips on his, the scent of Sehun flooding his senses.
"Tell me if you don't want this," Sehun whispers to him, bracing his hands on either side of Lu Han's head. He's looking down at him, hair a mess and lips kiss-rouged. Sehun is sceptic to take the next step, afraid that maybe he's just imposing himself on Lu Han, and Lu Han doesn't really want this anymore.
But Lu Han shakes his head. His hand slides to cup Sehun's nape, and brings him down to murmur into his lips, "I want this. I'll always want this. I'll always want you."
So Sehun prepares and stretches him, easing his lubed fingers in and out of him carefully and slowly, trying to make it least painful as possible. But Lu Han thinks he needs the pain more. He needs to feel.
"Please, Sehun-ah," Lu Han breathes as he rocks against Sehun's fingers. He digs his nails into Sehun's shoulders, hard enough that he knows he'll break skin. He lifts his legs to wrap them around Sehun's waist, cants his hips up show Sehun how much he needs him. "Please."
Sehun groans as he feels the delicious friction of Lu Han's cock with his, and he takes his position in front of Lu Han's entrance. He is nearly in, almost breaking through when he stops.
He looks at Lu Han with eyes glazed with want, and love, and affection. There is also concern. Lu Han's heart stutters in chest. He is amazed that he still has this effect on Sehun, that he can make Sehun want him more than anything.
"Tell me to stop," Sehun says out, his biceps flexing as he gropes at the bedsheets around Lu Han's head. Lu Han feels the full magnitude of his importance to Sehun. He can feel Sehun trembling above him, just like him, and he's never wanted Sehun so much in his life.
He pulls Sehun down and kisses him, kisses him with his everything. He puts everything in it, all of the hurt and the pain and the love that he has for Sehun. "Never stop. Never ever stop."
With his ankles locked over Sehun's tailbone, Lu Han nudges him in, and he arches into Sehun's chest holding him impossibly closer as Sehun continues to push himself in. It’s too tight, and too hot, and it’s awfully like coming home, like everything is falling back into place.
And it's like their first time all over again, the softness and vulnerability there as they establish a rhythm together, slow and beautiful. Sehun kisses the tears away from his eyes as he thrusts in Lu Han, winding their fingers together. They take their time making love, savouring every bolt of pleasure and every toe-curling sensation as they try to erase away the doubt, the pain, and the hurt from each other.
Sehun presses featherlight kisses all over Lu Han's wrists, his fingers, the skin covering his knuckles. Lu Han rakes the sole of his foot over the pebbles of Sehun's spine, urging him to go faster, to keep going and to
"Never stop. Never ever stop."
And Sehun doesn't. He keeps on rocking into him and pleasuring Lu Han the way only he knows how. He chants different permutations of you're beautiful and I love you and it's always you like they're the only sentences he can say. He says them honestly and truly, as if every syllable can erase Lu Han's fears and insecurities.
He doesn't stop until Lu Han understands that Sehun loves him, punctuating it with a sound kiss. And he doesn't stop until Lu Han comes, shuddering and crying out in pleasure.
Lu Han knows it's wrong to have doubted Sehun and his love, that his fallacy is enough proof that he doesn't deserve Sehun wholly: his kisses, his all-consuming love, his everything. But Sehun brushes his lips on his with the ghost of an I love you so much passing from his mouth and into Lu Han's, and the words burrow themselves into his flesh, tattooing themselves into his veins so every time his heart beats and his blood flows he'll be reminded. So he'll never forget.
"You won't leave me, right?" Lu Han whispers much later against Sehun's chest, head nestled there. Sehun is carding his fingers through Lu Han's hair when he finally replies,
"I can never leave you."
- basically:
@saccharines i'll give you one week and i expect you to deliver a high quality fic
@saccharines the only requirements i have is: hunhan, detailed smut, and shit load of angst.
- i'm so sorry jelly bear but i think i failed in everything
- but this is basically the gda + dkfc fic that i've crying over bc sehun seemed to undergo this self-imposed homo repentance and i went cray
- i'm sorry for the fic, it's bad i know ;;
- 小兔子 means little bunny totally not creative OTL
but if you guys want me to write you guys something, or just want to be friends, hit me up here on twitter or leave an ask on tumblr!