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well I think I am gonna go back to lay down for a while and hopefully Nessa will call me back later......I needed to catch up on sleep....even though I always say you can't really get back sleep that you missed.................well.....teness do you really really worry that I am going to leave?......that is so weird.........and sad and worries me
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It shouldnt have to be that way. You should have to hurt and upset me to know when you've gone too far. You have no right to make me cry. You have no right to call me names and be so cruel. What you neglect to realize is it's those actions of yours that snap me back into reality. I can't live in a fucking fantasy world forever. I cant keep pretending everything is perfect even though I know it's far from it. I cant sit there and say "Oh everything is perfectly fine now because he's going to conceseling.(sp)" Because the truth is, it's not. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. You have to much going on in your mind, so much negativity. So many lies, that I dont know what to do with anymore. I dont mean lies as in you lie about things to me. I mean as in lies as you hurt me, you promise me things emotionally and never keep up with them. I suppose thats why promises are meant to be broken. Maybe one day you'll understand why I believe so strongly in that. I will never understand how you can act the way you do at times. I'll never understand how less than 10 minutes later you can pretend everything is fine and tell me you love me and stay completely calm. It boggles my mind, and I know I shouldnt let it. But truth be told it does.
My words must not get you going back on your feet. Because if they did you would be putting fourth effort when it came to hurting me. You say you have changed so much, or you're trying so hard. Councesling is just the first step. And besides you have to want to do it for yourself. That's something that I dont think you want very much. I wish that you did, but I dont believe you do. You get so fucking angry over small things. You twist in turn my words worse than a woman. You make things out to be something completely different than what they are. And I'll always ask myself why you do that. Maybe you like being so fucking negative all the damn time.Who really knows, all i know is its not my problem. I'm scared of you Josh. I'm scared of your temper and I'm not afraid to say that anymore. I'm not afraid to tell you just how much it actually scares me. I shouldnt have to be fearful of you. I dont know how else to put it besides that. But that's something you don't care to understand much about. Because if you did again you would be more understand, but you're not.
No one ever said you couldnt see Caden. All that was said is you need to pick up the both of us and take us somewhere. Things would have been different if you and my father didnt get into a fight. But no one can take back what happened, it happened it's done and over with. Now things are so much harder, they will never be the same. I don't know how to stress that either. Both of you (my father and yourself) should have thought about such things. Which you already admitted to me you havent. It's not my fault gas is high, in my opinion thats only a small price to pay in seeing your son and getting out of the situation without anything happening to you. Ie charges ect. My dad didnt press charges because of your new job and because of caden. So I'm sorry you can't just see us here and hang out. And I'm sorry I'm not comfortable with anyone taking him somewhere. ANYONE! Yes that includes my mother. She stays here with him and only watches him for 1 or so hours. But that is my mother. And she is who I am most comfortable with. She has been with me with Caden. You are always working, for good reason yes I know. But I am most comfortable with her at this point.
Be back to finnish this in a second Caden calls.
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I'm not sure if I've done the right thing in saying we can't be together. But I do want you to know that I wouldnt be doing this if I didnt love you. Because us could get potentionally really bad. I know you know this yourself. You do mean the world to me. But I can't be this scared, of your temper. That was something you promised you would have under control. I'm hoping like hell maybe this will make you realize certain things. Honestly, I am. Because this is going to be fairly hard for me. But I know that I can do this, and i'm hoping you can also. I suppose you'll have to call me or this can be discussed when you see us. Because Caden calls again. And I cant stay on the computer with him needing me.
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