mood and socialness and boys
I think winter's really taken a bad toll on me, and it's proving harder than I thought. Christmas was weird; I was pretty emotionally deadened for most of it, then felt guilty, and then was stuck inside with Mom and Carla for three extra days because of the shitstorm. I spent pretty much half of the vacation in my room, in bed, watching LP videos, and I've been struggling to get out of that rut ever since.
I took a J-term class at Hampshire, which was interesting but pretty difficult, especially since we kind of ran out of time at the end. It was difficult though, because although i felt like I could make friends with people the first day or two, it seemed like the people who knew each other grouped up and the other people ...well, I can't really explain it but they just did not seem accesible to me. In addition, only two of my friends (hahaha not like I have more than three that are still here though) were around, and I was at Hampshire in class or doing work half of the time. Even now I'm feeling pretty alone and really not good in general, but I don't really feel like I can turn to friends because they get tired of that and I don't want to make things all about me. I'm frustrated with pretty much everyone for no reason no matter how hard I try. I am doing my best to be positive but I'm already feeling overwhelmed with school even though it's only the first week. I also get frustrated easily.
But really the thing is that I am lonely, and even more pathetically, I desperately want male attention. I know I am too fat (I have gained weight), hairy, have terrible hair and am debilitatingly insecure, but I want that attention. And a boyfriend.
Oh, Oscar opinions forthcoming. In addition to becoming more irratible, Oscar season makes me a film asshole.
I took a J-term class at Hampshire, which was interesting but pretty difficult, especially since we kind of ran out of time at the end. It was difficult though, because although i felt like I could make friends with people the first day or two, it seemed like the people who knew each other grouped up and the other people ...well, I can't really explain it but they just did not seem accesible to me. In addition, only two of my friends (hahaha not like I have more than three that are still here though) were around, and I was at Hampshire in class or doing work half of the time. Even now I'm feeling pretty alone and really not good in general, but I don't really feel like I can turn to friends because they get tired of that and I don't want to make things all about me. I'm frustrated with pretty much everyone for no reason no matter how hard I try. I am doing my best to be positive but I'm already feeling overwhelmed with school even though it's only the first week. I also get frustrated easily.
But really the thing is that I am lonely, and even more pathetically, I desperately want male attention. I know I am too fat (I have gained weight), hairy, have terrible hair and am debilitatingly insecure, but I want that attention. And a boyfriend.
Oh, Oscar opinions forthcoming. In addition to becoming more irratible, Oscar season makes me a film asshole.