The Weekend That Was.....This Time.....Much Different
I write this entry with a couple tears in my eyes. Just remembering what it was like.
This past weekend was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. As I reminisce about another blog entry I wrote with the title "The Weekend That Was," I realize how much has changed in a mere 2 1/2 months.
That weekend I'm referring to was the first weekend Kara & I were together. It was f**king magical. & I use that profane word to emphasize how it was. Everything was right. That weekend, I developed feelings for this lady. I didn't expect to. I didn't expect it to go so right.....at least if at all, not right away. & it seemed that she felt the same.
2 weekends later.....she told me that she loved me.....do you know how happy that made me? I had talked to Ramin & Sabrina asking myself & them "why do I have these feelings? I'm old enough to know the difference between a feeling and infatuation." & she told me she loved me. She felt the same way about me as I did for her.
Then.....the ex decided to butt his head in & stir her mind up.....& she broke up with me because she doubted me, love, relationships, & everything. & you know what? She's agreed with me once on this. That's where we went wrong. That's where her happiness with me faded into the darkness. & I don't see anything else being the nail in the coffin.
I didn't expect to fall in love. It was something I'd lost faith in. I don't have a lot of faith in things in general (outside my friendships, & even that took a sharp curve at one time as it pertains to my faith). But she told me she loved me on that one fateful Friday night. & it was the single happiest moment I'd had.....further back then I can remember.
I accepted her for her past.....for her son.....& even recently, I was so in love, that I've looked past her smoking. I don't care. I'm madly in love with the person she is.....not who I'd change her to be. I don't want to change her. I love KARA, not KARA 5.4
& now.....her happiness with me.....not as strong as it once was (which I will maintain the blame above. Go ahead & argue that point. I dare you). She needs her freedom. She needs to experience young life, & be wild & free. I understand this.....
This past weekend.....knowing she wanted her space from me.....I could barely sleep (I'm on 2 hours as I type this), I fought every urge to call her.....to txt her.....to have some sort of contact. I wanted to hear her voice, touch her face, smell her skin.....& IT WAS KILLING ME that I couldn't. I couldn't stop dreaming of her. I cried myself to sleep last night.
Everything is telling me to move on. But you know what? I strongly believe Kara is my true love. She accepts me for me, & I accept her for her. Yes, I know she's young & needs to experience being free. Yes, I know that it's gonna hurt while I sit back & watch. & yes, I know it's gonna hurt if she finds someone else & decides once & for all that it's not a relationship she doesn't want.....but it's just ME that she doesn't want.
Yeah, it'll hurt. But after this past weekend, it may take a bit to shake me. It felt so cold, so empty, so hollow. But I believe Kara is IT for me. Yeah, she needs to live life. Fine. I've let her go.....if she comes back to me.....she's truly mine.
Yeah, it'll hurt, but so what? I believe in love.....a belief I didn't hold again until I felt for her. I believe in true love. I believe that she IS my true love. I have faith in my love for her & her love for me. I don't have faith in ANYTHING except my friends.....so yes, I believe. Yes, I have faith.
Is there something so wrong with having that faith?
Is there something so wrong with believing in what I feel is true & right?
Is there REALLY something so wrong with believing?
This past weekend was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. As I reminisce about another blog entry I wrote with the title "The Weekend That Was," I realize how much has changed in a mere 2 1/2 months.
That weekend I'm referring to was the first weekend Kara & I were together. It was f**king magical. & I use that profane word to emphasize how it was. Everything was right. That weekend, I developed feelings for this lady. I didn't expect to. I didn't expect it to go so right.....at least if at all, not right away. & it seemed that she felt the same.
2 weekends later.....she told me that she loved me.....do you know how happy that made me? I had talked to Ramin & Sabrina asking myself & them "why do I have these feelings? I'm old enough to know the difference between a feeling and infatuation." & she told me she loved me. She felt the same way about me as I did for her.
Then.....the ex decided to butt his head in & stir her mind up.....& she broke up with me because she doubted me, love, relationships, & everything. & you know what? She's agreed with me once on this. That's where we went wrong. That's where her happiness with me faded into the darkness. & I don't see anything else being the nail in the coffin.
I didn't expect to fall in love. It was something I'd lost faith in. I don't have a lot of faith in things in general (outside my friendships, & even that took a sharp curve at one time as it pertains to my faith). But she told me she loved me on that one fateful Friday night. & it was the single happiest moment I'd had.....further back then I can remember.
I accepted her for her past.....for her son.....& even recently, I was so in love, that I've looked past her smoking. I don't care. I'm madly in love with the person she is.....not who I'd change her to be. I don't want to change her. I love KARA, not KARA 5.4
& now.....her happiness with me.....not as strong as it once was (which I will maintain the blame above. Go ahead & argue that point. I dare you). She needs her freedom. She needs to experience young life, & be wild & free. I understand this.....
This past weekend.....knowing she wanted her space from me.....I could barely sleep (I'm on 2 hours as I type this), I fought every urge to call her.....to txt her.....to have some sort of contact. I wanted to hear her voice, touch her face, smell her skin.....& IT WAS KILLING ME that I couldn't. I couldn't stop dreaming of her. I cried myself to sleep last night.
Everything is telling me to move on. But you know what? I strongly believe Kara is my true love. She accepts me for me, & I accept her for her. Yes, I know she's young & needs to experience being free. Yes, I know that it's gonna hurt while I sit back & watch. & yes, I know it's gonna hurt if she finds someone else & decides once & for all that it's not a relationship she doesn't want.....but it's just ME that she doesn't want.
Yeah, it'll hurt. But after this past weekend, it may take a bit to shake me. It felt so cold, so empty, so hollow. But I believe Kara is IT for me. Yeah, she needs to live life. Fine. I've let her go.....if she comes back to me.....she's truly mine.
Yeah, it'll hurt, but so what? I believe in love.....a belief I didn't hold again until I felt for her. I believe in true love. I believe that she IS my true love. I have faith in my love for her & her love for me. I don't have faith in ANYTHING except my friends.....so yes, I believe. Yes, I have faith.
Is there something so wrong with having that faith?
Is there something so wrong with believing in what I feel is true & right?
Is there REALLY something so wrong with believing?