(no subject)
The conversation was the easy part, the honesty ended up being the cause of all the tears. For the first time in my life...I said it. I admitted that I don't want to do this anymore. For most, the addictions belong to drugs, alcohol, etc. But no, not mine.
My addiction comes from fast cars, the feeling of being the girl who beat the boy, and racing in it's entirety. The thrill of knowing others are in awe over your car as you weave traffic without hesitation at speeds over 100 mph, the way your heart pounds in anticipation waiting for a stop light to turn green, and the adrenaline you feel as your tires scream off the starting line and you double shift from gear to gear...It's like being the girl with the braces and you really want to fit in with the popular girls... It's an acceptance issue. I have a fast car, but it could be lighter, faster, prettier...and it's not. It's a goal, to strive to make it better than it already is. I have seen the videos, watched my friends die, had the lectures, been arrested, and even crashed my car...And no, I still don't get it.
I listen to my therapist lecture me on a weekly basis about how disapointed he is in my unsafe driving habbits, and how he honestly hopes the judge revokes my liscence. Not today, no, today was different. Yes, he told me he was disapointed, but when he noticed I sat in shame after admitting my "I just don't get it" speach, he took a different approach to the subject. He said "Listen, you messed this up and you'll have to face the consequences...But I hope she takes your liscence because I can't wait for you to be out one day and accidentally kill my family." Like I said, i've heard it all. I have watched my friends die before my eyes. But at that very moment, my nieces face flashed in my mind and I lost it. The thought of wrecking and killing someone is tough, but most of us racers THINK we are too good of drivers to ever let that happen...But when you incorporate you're own family into it, things change. I'd kill myself before allowing someone to tell me I had just killed my 4 year old niece because I was driving stupid.
MAYBE this time I got it.
My addiction comes from fast cars, the feeling of being the girl who beat the boy, and racing in it's entirety. The thrill of knowing others are in awe over your car as you weave traffic without hesitation at speeds over 100 mph, the way your heart pounds in anticipation waiting for a stop light to turn green, and the adrenaline you feel as your tires scream off the starting line and you double shift from gear to gear...It's like being the girl with the braces and you really want to fit in with the popular girls... It's an acceptance issue. I have a fast car, but it could be lighter, faster, prettier...and it's not. It's a goal, to strive to make it better than it already is. I have seen the videos, watched my friends die, had the lectures, been arrested, and even crashed my car...And no, I still don't get it.
I listen to my therapist lecture me on a weekly basis about how disapointed he is in my unsafe driving habbits, and how he honestly hopes the judge revokes my liscence. Not today, no, today was different. Yes, he told me he was disapointed, but when he noticed I sat in shame after admitting my "I just don't get it" speach, he took a different approach to the subject. He said "Listen, you messed this up and you'll have to face the consequences...But I hope she takes your liscence because I can't wait for you to be out one day and accidentally kill my family." Like I said, i've heard it all. I have watched my friends die before my eyes. But at that very moment, my nieces face flashed in my mind and I lost it. The thought of wrecking and killing someone is tough, but most of us racers THINK we are too good of drivers to ever let that happen...But when you incorporate you're own family into it, things change. I'd kill myself before allowing someone to tell me I had just killed my 4 year old niece because I was driving stupid.
MAYBE this time I got it.