ramblings of a barback
since so many people are idiots when they go to the bars, here is some tips on NOT being the douchebag the bartenders talk about at the end of the night:
-guess what! bartenders WANT to make money. they really do. so next time you're at the bar, especially if its a big one on a busy night look up the bar, then look down the bar. see all those drunk idiots waving their money around? they all want to buy alcohol too. yup, that's why they're there too.
-usually the bartenders have some sort of system as to how they choose their next customer. some go up the bar then back down the bar so moving around to where you *think* they are going isn't gonna help you.
-yelling and waving your money around doesn't help either. they know you are there, they see your drunk ass, but they are gonna help whoever they are helping, and if you keep yelling chances are they're gonna skip you.
-don't be mean to your bartender, they're at freakin' work. would you like someone to show up at your job and start yelling at you? didn't think so. just wait and someone WILL get to you.
-don't put money on the bar to try to get the bartender to come over to grab it so you can get their attention. thats cheap and lame, and if there is a barback she will come over and grab the money and not give a shit that you want a drink.
-while we are on the subject of barbacks, if you see someone picking up dirty glasses and money but not helping anyone else she (or he, but i'm gonna use she, because i'm a she) probably is a barback. DON"T ask her for drinks because she can't get you any. DON'T ask her to tell the bartender to help you, barbacks are the bitches of the bartenders, they don't tell or ask the bartenders anything, they keep their heads down and keep the bar clean and stocked.
-get out of bar staff's way when they are walking through the bar. see that chick with the giant buckets of ice, well, they're freakin' HEAVY so move out of her way. if you want ice in your freakin' drinks you better move.
- try to make the bar staff's jobs as easy as possible for them so that they can help you as quickly as possible. know what you want when the bartender gets to you and when you get it move away from the bar so that someone else can order.
-don't leave your drinks on the bar or anywhere else and walk away. we cannot leave them there, they will be picked up and thrown out. if you buy a drink and only take a sip out of it and then walk away from it, it will get dumped, quit crying about it, you have to pay for a new one.
-don't go to a bar with your bday pal and expect him to get a free drink and then move on to the next bar, buy something cheap ass.
-the bar is not your mama's house, take your glassware and empty bottles back to the bar when you're done, chances are you're not tipping enough to make it worth it for me to walk around picking up after you. don't leave them in the bathroom, the dj table or the floor.
-speaking of tipping, leave a buck or two for every drink you get and we will be happy. don't be the cheap ass who orders 15 mojitos (pain-in-the-ass-drink) and only leaves $2.
-if you spill, tell someone. better yet, pay attention to what you're doing and be responsible for your actions, don't spill.
-don't walk around barefoot in the bar, i don't know if thats a santa cruz thing or what but on a satruday night there is booze, food and puke on the floor, on top of whatever everyone brought in on their shoes from the street, put your shoes on.
-don't get up on chairs, the bar or booths, we are not going to be sued when your drunk ass falls and gets hurt, have some respect for the establishment you're in.
-don't make messes in the bathroom, act your age.
-no one cares if you're hotter than the ho in the black dress, to everyone else in the bar you're a ho too so quit fighting in the bathroom. and don't get mad that the other guy was checking out your ho girlfriend, if she's dressed like a ho other guys WILL look at her, thats why she is dressed like that, after all.
-don't give the bouncers shit, they are there to make sure everyone is safe. you may be mad that they didn't let your pal in because he forgot his id but you will be stoked that they are there when they kick the guy who was gonna kick your ass out.
-quit bitching about cover charges, we have to pay the dj and bouncers and you should too.
-don't order a drink if you don't know what is in it because even if you don't like it you have to pay for it and don't tell the bartenders how to make a drink unless they ask because most of you are wrong and look like idiots.
-don't complain about the cost of things to the staff, they don't make up the prices, just pay for what you ordered and go somewhere else.
-don't try to get your underage friends in, if the staff don't catch it but ABC does you have just cost a bunch of people their jobs on top of the huge fines they will have to pay and you may cost the bar their liquor license.
i'm sure there will be another one of these, i'm sure i forgot something, but for now lets work on these, shall we?
-guess what! bartenders WANT to make money. they really do. so next time you're at the bar, especially if its a big one on a busy night look up the bar, then look down the bar. see all those drunk idiots waving their money around? they all want to buy alcohol too. yup, that's why they're there too.
-usually the bartenders have some sort of system as to how they choose their next customer. some go up the bar then back down the bar so moving around to where you *think* they are going isn't gonna help you.
-yelling and waving your money around doesn't help either. they know you are there, they see your drunk ass, but they are gonna help whoever they are helping, and if you keep yelling chances are they're gonna skip you.
-don't be mean to your bartender, they're at freakin' work. would you like someone to show up at your job and start yelling at you? didn't think so. just wait and someone WILL get to you.
-don't put money on the bar to try to get the bartender to come over to grab it so you can get their attention. thats cheap and lame, and if there is a barback she will come over and grab the money and not give a shit that you want a drink.
-while we are on the subject of barbacks, if you see someone picking up dirty glasses and money but not helping anyone else she (or he, but i'm gonna use she, because i'm a she) probably is a barback. DON"T ask her for drinks because she can't get you any. DON'T ask her to tell the bartender to help you, barbacks are the bitches of the bartenders, they don't tell or ask the bartenders anything, they keep their heads down and keep the bar clean and stocked.
-get out of bar staff's way when they are walking through the bar. see that chick with the giant buckets of ice, well, they're freakin' HEAVY so move out of her way. if you want ice in your freakin' drinks you better move.
- try to make the bar staff's jobs as easy as possible for them so that they can help you as quickly as possible. know what you want when the bartender gets to you and when you get it move away from the bar so that someone else can order.
-don't leave your drinks on the bar or anywhere else and walk away. we cannot leave them there, they will be picked up and thrown out. if you buy a drink and only take a sip out of it and then walk away from it, it will get dumped, quit crying about it, you have to pay for a new one.
-don't go to a bar with your bday pal and expect him to get a free drink and then move on to the next bar, buy something cheap ass.
-the bar is not your mama's house, take your glassware and empty bottles back to the bar when you're done, chances are you're not tipping enough to make it worth it for me to walk around picking up after you. don't leave them in the bathroom, the dj table or the floor.
-speaking of tipping, leave a buck or two for every drink you get and we will be happy. don't be the cheap ass who orders 15 mojitos (pain-in-the-ass-drink) and only leaves $2.
-if you spill, tell someone. better yet, pay attention to what you're doing and be responsible for your actions, don't spill.
-don't walk around barefoot in the bar, i don't know if thats a santa cruz thing or what but on a satruday night there is booze, food and puke on the floor, on top of whatever everyone brought in on their shoes from the street, put your shoes on.
-don't get up on chairs, the bar or booths, we are not going to be sued when your drunk ass falls and gets hurt, have some respect for the establishment you're in.
-don't make messes in the bathroom, act your age.
-no one cares if you're hotter than the ho in the black dress, to everyone else in the bar you're a ho too so quit fighting in the bathroom. and don't get mad that the other guy was checking out your ho girlfriend, if she's dressed like a ho other guys WILL look at her, thats why she is dressed like that, after all.
-don't give the bouncers shit, they are there to make sure everyone is safe. you may be mad that they didn't let your pal in because he forgot his id but you will be stoked that they are there when they kick the guy who was gonna kick your ass out.
-quit bitching about cover charges, we have to pay the dj and bouncers and you should too.
-don't order a drink if you don't know what is in it because even if you don't like it you have to pay for it and don't tell the bartenders how to make a drink unless they ask because most of you are wrong and look like idiots.
-don't complain about the cost of things to the staff, they don't make up the prices, just pay for what you ordered and go somewhere else.
-don't try to get your underage friends in, if the staff don't catch it but ABC does you have just cost a bunch of people their jobs on top of the huge fines they will have to pay and you may cost the bar their liquor license.
i'm sure there will be another one of these, i'm sure i forgot something, but for now lets work on these, shall we?