The Sound of Betrayal
It can be hard to detect. Most people don't hear it. It is mostly audible to those who are overly sensitive, or paranoid, or depressed, or cautious or all of the above. Never the less - it's there. Lurking. Waiting. Ready to pounce. Ready to swoop. It's ever so patient. It'll have you rebuild and regain your faith in people before it comes crashing down on you, making the sound that much louder, the pain that much sharper.
I'm still flabbergasted. How could I be bypassed like that? So completely and painfully ignored by someone I thought was a close friend, maybe the closest I've had in half a decade. But perhaps more importantly, how could I let my guard down again, allowing something like this to happen? Have I learned nothing? Apparently not. Some lessons takes time, though. Maybe I'll learn this time. Don't trust. Don't care. Enjoy the company, have fun on the ride, but that's it. Sooner or later, people turn their back on you. Always. It's only a matter of time.
Don't let them know that you know. That only makes them upset. "I would never give up on you!" someone told me once, about six months before giving up on me. She was so offended that I didn't believe her, I started faking it, and I faked it so well I eventually believed it myself, ultimately leading to a crushing fall that drove me out of the country. That's right. I was so hurt, I actually moved abroad, desperate to get away from it all. I had been right from the beginning. I couldn't trust her. She kept me around while I was fun and useful and entertaining, before tossing me aside when I didn't fit as smoothly into her world anymore. Rinse and repeat.
This recent betrayal has brought back a lot of memories. Old, hurt feelings that I'd almost managed to bury. Almost. Not anymore. Each betrayal renders me more bitter, more distrustful. Don't wanna play with me? Fine; I certainly won't make you. It thrusts me right back into my shell, where I'll be hiding for months, maybe years. Avoiding people whenever I can, socializing only online and preferably with strangers. Happy that I'm never invited to anything, yet at the same time growing increasingly bitter about it, thinking of all the fun and nice things my so-called friends are doing together without including me. Gradually, I stop liking the people I once liked. Gradually, I start disliking them, until eventually I despise them.
Some people think I'm nice. I'm really not. I'm a sour, bitter, angry and spiteful old thing. Every swooping or slithering sound of betrayal has turned me into this. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was stronger, so I could keep believing in people even when they hurt and disappoint me - but I can't. My mind won't allow it. I never forget. Ever. I'll forgive, and on the surface I'll move on and act as if everything's alright. Inside, however, I'm turning colder, as I begin to realize that I'll always be alone, never be favored, and maybe I deserve it.
My brain is slow. My thoughts are numb. My feelings are at war. I can never be sure how much of this comes from the actual damage, the betrayal, and how much comes from the pit dark depression in my mind. It's probably both. I'd still be hurting even without the depression, but it enhances it. I don't trust myself now. I could say or do something I would regret, burning bridges that may not need to burned just yet. Instead I hide, hoping the pain will go away.
Part of me is hoping I'll learn to trust someone again, even after this. Maybe one day find a real, true friend. The other part is quite set on me never trusting anyone ever again. It's not worth the pain once you're tossed out of the loop. Today I choose not to decide. The wound is still fresh, the sound of betrayal still ringing in my ears, and there's no need to make any kind of decisions. I have my couch and my TV, and that is all I need right now.
I'm still flabbergasted. How could I be bypassed like that? So completely and painfully ignored by someone I thought was a close friend, maybe the closest I've had in half a decade. But perhaps more importantly, how could I let my guard down again, allowing something like this to happen? Have I learned nothing? Apparently not. Some lessons takes time, though. Maybe I'll learn this time. Don't trust. Don't care. Enjoy the company, have fun on the ride, but that's it. Sooner or later, people turn their back on you. Always. It's only a matter of time.
Don't let them know that you know. That only makes them upset. "I would never give up on you!" someone told me once, about six months before giving up on me. She was so offended that I didn't believe her, I started faking it, and I faked it so well I eventually believed it myself, ultimately leading to a crushing fall that drove me out of the country. That's right. I was so hurt, I actually moved abroad, desperate to get away from it all. I had been right from the beginning. I couldn't trust her. She kept me around while I was fun and useful and entertaining, before tossing me aside when I didn't fit as smoothly into her world anymore. Rinse and repeat.
This recent betrayal has brought back a lot of memories. Old, hurt feelings that I'd almost managed to bury. Almost. Not anymore. Each betrayal renders me more bitter, more distrustful. Don't wanna play with me? Fine; I certainly won't make you. It thrusts me right back into my shell, where I'll be hiding for months, maybe years. Avoiding people whenever I can, socializing only online and preferably with strangers. Happy that I'm never invited to anything, yet at the same time growing increasingly bitter about it, thinking of all the fun and nice things my so-called friends are doing together without including me. Gradually, I stop liking the people I once liked. Gradually, I start disliking them, until eventually I despise them.
Some people think I'm nice. I'm really not. I'm a sour, bitter, angry and spiteful old thing. Every swooping or slithering sound of betrayal has turned me into this. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was stronger, so I could keep believing in people even when they hurt and disappoint me - but I can't. My mind won't allow it. I never forget. Ever. I'll forgive, and on the surface I'll move on and act as if everything's alright. Inside, however, I'm turning colder, as I begin to realize that I'll always be alone, never be favored, and maybe I deserve it.
My brain is slow. My thoughts are numb. My feelings are at war. I can never be sure how much of this comes from the actual damage, the betrayal, and how much comes from the pit dark depression in my mind. It's probably both. I'd still be hurting even without the depression, but it enhances it. I don't trust myself now. I could say or do something I would regret, burning bridges that may not need to burned just yet. Instead I hide, hoping the pain will go away.
Part of me is hoping I'll learn to trust someone again, even after this. Maybe one day find a real, true friend. The other part is quite set on me never trusting anyone ever again. It's not worth the pain once you're tossed out of the loop. Today I choose not to decide. The wound is still fresh, the sound of betrayal still ringing in my ears, and there's no need to make any kind of decisions. I have my couch and my TV, and that is all I need right now.