Fic: Empty (Logan) PG
Title:Empty
Author:bluskysfrompane
Pairing/Character:Logan
Word Count:4,025
Rating: PG not really bad
Summary: he couldn’t reach for her. He had forgotten how. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe she didn’t deserve hell. Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe maybes were all that ever existed between them and ever would. Maybe.
Spoilers: Episode 2.20 and some of the first season
Sometimes he didn’t know why he did things. That’s a lie. He did. He knew exactly what he was doing as another lie slipped through his lips, momentarily offering an abstract illusion of normality instead of the shattered and disillusioned past and present he knew his life to be. Sometimes things were just easier with lies. It’s easy to get lost in their simplicity and false sense of security, especially when the alternative offers only more heartache and sorrow.
Lying wasn’t something new to Logan; it had been his accomplice, even before Duncan, and the only thing that ever changed about it was the development into the perfected art that Logan now constantly leaned on as days and months slipped past. Lying isn’t as bad as it seems, just an alternative to reality, he constantly thought as he searched and longed for justification It’s just easier, safer. Whatever words he needed to hear lately, whatever lies he thought would sustain him for the moment, he began to convince himself as truths. He was tired of the real truth. Truth is what tore his family apart, ripped his mother out of this world, ruined his life, and destroyed him.
Emotions were now distant entities, something teenage girls giggled about at sleepovers as they spilt nail polish on the rug and married women nagged their tired and exhausted husbands about on Friday nights on the couch. They were fairytales, fake and unbelievable. They were ungraspable and distant. He had forgotten what it was like to feel because being numb was so much easier and he was tired of hard. The good emotions were so rare he had sacrificed those lonely few good ones just for the promise of some form of an emotional void. The void wasn’t vast enough and never would be and as emotions pressed closer and closer he could feel them breathing on his neck, bubbling in his stomach, and eventually substantiating themselves in the form of a few drunken slurs and a slew of sentences directed to the only one who understood him, even just a little bit, even just at all. She understood him and he felt that.
Even at his own surprise at this confession of reality he was still more shocked with the look of understanding. The “Gatsby” understanding, an expression he hadn’t seen in what felt like forever, maybe it had been. He couldn’t remember. As scared as he was and as much as he wished the alcohol would take over his body completely he was more scared still as she watched him walk out of the room and he clung to the hope that it wouldn’t be forever.
He had thrown everything out there, even if it had been by mistake, it was still a reality he found himself speaking aloud about and it wasn’t until the next morning, as he tried his hand at numb again that he realized that that same reality would be the demise of the numbness he had wrapped around his life. He’d build up his safety net and walls of lies again and hide behind them forever and that is why when she showed up at his door he couldn’t reach for her. He had forgotten how. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe she didn’t deserve hell. Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe maybes were all that ever existed between them and ever would. Maybe.
He had parked on that same corner with Veronica summer earlier, and now all of a sudden it seemed still and barren and he began to reevaluate his concept of empty. This was it he thought, this is what empty is. This is what life is about. No one could possibly grasp the idea of empty until you were there and then you just knew; knew when you reached empty, knew when there was nothing left. It wasn’t the emptiness that pulled at him the hardest, it was the fear that he would never feel satisfied again. He knew he would forever have the lingering doubts, questions and holes. He had chosen that; chosen that path because it was the safe and easy one for a brief moment. He could feel the fear and pain that had been hidden behind everything that was once good or maybe actually never was, but had thought once that it was.
Logan found himself on some deserted street, some restaurant, some girls bathroom, somewhere he had at one point been with her. He always sort of wandered there. It made him feel safe for a second. A safe he hungered for and a safe he couldn’t offer her. A safe she couldn’t live without out a safe she had left him for. He now found himself on the corner of her street and he could see the living room light and Keith’s shadow as he paced on the phone. He could wish forever that he could be in that house again, curled up with Veronica on the couch watching some chick flick that she had chosen, but he knew never again would he experience that He blew any chance that she still loved him by lying to her face and tainting the only pure thing in his life. The only real thing. She had stayed with him until the end only when he failed her did she finally wave goodbye.
No one saw him pull up and no one saw him pull away. He just left.
Author:bluskysfrompane
Pairing/Character:Logan
Word Count:4,025
Rating: PG not really bad
Summary: he couldn’t reach for her. He had forgotten how. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe she didn’t deserve hell. Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe maybes were all that ever existed between them and ever would. Maybe.
Spoilers: Episode 2.20 and some of the first season
Sometimes he didn’t know why he did things. That’s a lie. He did. He knew exactly what he was doing as another lie slipped through his lips, momentarily offering an abstract illusion of normality instead of the shattered and disillusioned past and present he knew his life to be. Sometimes things were just easier with lies. It’s easy to get lost in their simplicity and false sense of security, especially when the alternative offers only more heartache and sorrow.
Lying wasn’t something new to Logan; it had been his accomplice, even before Duncan, and the only thing that ever changed about it was the development into the perfected art that Logan now constantly leaned on as days and months slipped past. Lying isn’t as bad as it seems, just an alternative to reality, he constantly thought as he searched and longed for justification It’s just easier, safer. Whatever words he needed to hear lately, whatever lies he thought would sustain him for the moment, he began to convince himself as truths. He was tired of the real truth. Truth is what tore his family apart, ripped his mother out of this world, ruined his life, and destroyed him.
Emotions were now distant entities, something teenage girls giggled about at sleepovers as they spilt nail polish on the rug and married women nagged their tired and exhausted husbands about on Friday nights on the couch. They were fairytales, fake and unbelievable. They were ungraspable and distant. He had forgotten what it was like to feel because being numb was so much easier and he was tired of hard. The good emotions were so rare he had sacrificed those lonely few good ones just for the promise of some form of an emotional void. The void wasn’t vast enough and never would be and as emotions pressed closer and closer he could feel them breathing on his neck, bubbling in his stomach, and eventually substantiating themselves in the form of a few drunken slurs and a slew of sentences directed to the only one who understood him, even just a little bit, even just at all. She understood him and he felt that.
Even at his own surprise at this confession of reality he was still more shocked with the look of understanding. The “Gatsby” understanding, an expression he hadn’t seen in what felt like forever, maybe it had been. He couldn’t remember. As scared as he was and as much as he wished the alcohol would take over his body completely he was more scared still as she watched him walk out of the room and he clung to the hope that it wouldn’t be forever.
He had thrown everything out there, even if it had been by mistake, it was still a reality he found himself speaking aloud about and it wasn’t until the next morning, as he tried his hand at numb again that he realized that that same reality would be the demise of the numbness he had wrapped around his life. He’d build up his safety net and walls of lies again and hide behind them forever and that is why when she showed up at his door he couldn’t reach for her. He had forgotten how. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe she didn’t deserve hell. Maybe he didn’t deserve her. Maybe maybes were all that ever existed between them and ever would. Maybe.
He had parked on that same corner with Veronica summer earlier, and now all of a sudden it seemed still and barren and he began to reevaluate his concept of empty. This was it he thought, this is what empty is. This is what life is about. No one could possibly grasp the idea of empty until you were there and then you just knew; knew when you reached empty, knew when there was nothing left. It wasn’t the emptiness that pulled at him the hardest, it was the fear that he would never feel satisfied again. He knew he would forever have the lingering doubts, questions and holes. He had chosen that; chosen that path because it was the safe and easy one for a brief moment. He could feel the fear and pain that had been hidden behind everything that was once good or maybe actually never was, but had thought once that it was.
Logan found himself on some deserted street, some restaurant, some girls bathroom, somewhere he had at one point been with her. He always sort of wandered there. It made him feel safe for a second. A safe he hungered for and a safe he couldn’t offer her. A safe she couldn’t live without out a safe she had left him for. He now found himself on the corner of her street and he could see the living room light and Keith’s shadow as he paced on the phone. He could wish forever that he could be in that house again, curled up with Veronica on the couch watching some chick flick that she had chosen, but he knew never again would he experience that He blew any chance that she still loved him by lying to her face and tainting the only pure thing in his life. The only real thing. She had stayed with him until the end only when he failed her did she finally wave goodbye.
No one saw him pull up and no one saw him pull away. He just left.