A Kiss Before Dying (2/10)
Title: A Kiss Before Dying (2/10)
Rating: R for language and content
Summary: 15 year old Veronica has never been kissed and Lamb makes her a promise. Characters/Pairing: Veronica/Lamb, (mentions of Lilly, Logan, Duncan, Keith and Lianne)
Spoilers: will eventually be through entire series but AU from 3X14
Word Count: 3604
Disclaimer: I don't own Veronica Mars or the phrase ‘A Kiss Before Dying.’
A/N: The Veronica Mars series has a strong overtone of death throughout. This story deals with the interactions between Veronica and Lamb, after some of the more prominent death related moments. There will be some changes to both timeline and canon events in this fic.
A/N 2: since they don’t really ever say it, Veronica’s b-day is August 14th in regards to this fic. Any dates that I change or decide on will be mentioned in A/Ns or the fic itself. And on a personal note, I’m really very happy with the way this chapter came out, I think it may be one of my favorite chapters I have ever written for any of my fics. I hope you like it!
1 year, 1 month, 6 days, 5 hours, 18 minutes and 12 seconds later
October 4th 2003 4:05AM
Sometimes in life you see things that you know will haunt you until the end of your days.
Last night, for some, it was probably the sight of 17 year old Lilly Kane lying dead by the pool, the blank stare in her eyes and the future that she would never have.
For me, it was the look on the face of Lilly Kane's best friend.
I wished more than anything that I could have stopped Veronica from seeing Lilly like that. But I couldn't and I didn't. I hadn't seen her run past me, I was always hyper aware of her presence and the one time that it would have been beneficial to her, my awareness failed me. I should have seen her, I should have grabbed her and shielded her, but I didn't, and that's something I will have to live with.
But it was the look on her face that truly did me in, pain, anguish and disbelief all coiled into one. If I could have pulled her to me in that moment I would have. I wanted to, but I couldn't, Keith got to her before I could and refused to let her go and I had to stand there and watch as he led his devastated daughter from the crime scene to his car with tears streaming from her eyes.
He left me to supervise as he took her home and as hard as I tried to focus on my job, the only thing my mind seemed to have on it was Veronica Mars, as always.
Keith returned a few hours later, his eyes red, and it hurt to see such a strong man, my idol, feel so much pain. He finally sent me home around 3AM and I drove the entire way in a daze, Veronica's face still haunting my memories from earlier that night.
When I got home I didn't waste any time undressing and getting into the shower, trying to wash away a tragedy that I knew would stick with me forever. When I got out of the shower I pulled on a pair of sweats, went out to my living room and sat on the couch. There was no point in sleeping; I knew I wouldn't get any, so why waste time?
I couldn't get Veronica off my mind. I wondered what she was doing. Was she still crying? Was she sleeping soundly? Or was she tossing and turning from the nightmare of the night? I'd have given anything to be with her in that moment.
I'd been sitting there staring ahead for, well I don't really know how long, when I heard the knock on the door. I jumped from my couch and ran to answer it, I knew who it was; there was only one person that would show up at my house this time of night, on this kind of a night.
I threw open the door to find her standing there, eyes redder than her father's had been, face pale from shock, hair a mess and pajamas showing none of the disarray that a night of sleep would have left. She looked up at me and when I looked in to her eyes I could feel everything that she was feeling. It was something I'd never wanted to see in her, loss and hopelessness.
We just stood there for a few seconds, having a nonverbal stand off before she finally opened her mouth and graced me with her beautiful voice, horrifically laced with pain, but beautiful none the less.
"I'm sorry, I know it's late…but I….I didn't know where else to go…..I couldn't sleep….I just…I just need you….I …"
My heart ached with her words and I stopped her, trying to ease the situation. "No, I know, its ok. I'm here; I'm always here for you."
She didn't respond, she just smiled, a real smile, probably the first one she'd had in hours and maybe the last she'd have for awhile.
How do you deal with losing your best friend?
How do you live with having seen her like that?
I didn't know what to do.
I should have stayed in the car, I should have listened to my dad, but I didn't and I knew that what I saw would haunt me forever.
As my dad held me I could feel another set of eyes on me. I didn't need to look to know who it was, it had to be Lamb, had to be. He was the only other person there that would have wanted to be there for me the way my father was, more than the way my father was, and I knew that's what his stare meant.
The ride home was silent and I cried as my dad drove. I could feel him look at me every few seconds, to make sure I was breathing, or still there, still alive, not dead liked Lilly. I wasn't sure what his reasons were but his reasons didn't matter. He was there, so was I. We, were still there.
When he pulled into the driveway he got out of his side and hurried around to open my door for me. I went to step out, just following the normal motions, but he put his arms around me and carried me inside. We passed my mom on the way to my room but I didn't look at her, I knew she'd heard and I just couldn't deal with another person's sad gaze.
My dad laid me on the bed and left the room so I could change, I did so thoughtlessly, I was so distracted that I wasn't even sure what I'd put on and when I was done, I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the wall, the wall with pictures of the now dead, just like Lilly, Fab 4. He came back into the room a little while later with a cup of tea, sat next to me on the bed and we both just stared straight ahead.
We didn't talk, we barely breathed. But he was there and that was good. He was still there, not like Lilly.
He left an hour or two later, didn't tell me where he was going, just left. I didn't ask, didn't need to, I already knew, he was going to take care of Lilly.
After he was gone I pulled me knees up to my chest and just tried to keep breathing. I wished for something, for someone, to comfort me, tell me it was all a bad dream, a nightmare. But I knew it would be a lie.
I kept remembering the look on her face, the blood, the way her body was laying. But more than anything I kept feeling the eyes, the ones that had followed me from the moment my dad took me into his arms, to the moment we left.
I knew what I needed then. It was him. I needed him to take me away from what I was feeling. Give me some life back. Do what he always did to make me feel better, alive, happy.
I needed it more than anything.
So I got up, my legs weak and half asleep from being stuck in one position so long and left my room.
I grabbed my mom's keys from the table and silently left the house. I didn't look at the clock until I got in the car and I actually swore a little.
Would he be there? Was he even home from the Kane's yet? Would he even want me there? Was he hurting too? Was he having the same haunting feelings? It didn't matter I decided.
I arrived at his apartment almost as soon as I started the car, I didn't even remember driving there and it scared me a little. I shouldn't have driven I realized, but I had, there was no changing it and I sure as hell wasn't going home.
I was going to him. He would make me feel better.
When I knocked he opened the door within seconds, almost like he'd been expecting me. Had he? Maybe he had. Sometimes I felt like he knew me better than I knew myself.
He just stared at me for awhile, my face, then my clothes. I looked down for a second and was happy to see that I was wearing something that at least matched. And then our eyes met.
We stayed like that until I could finally form words. But it was so hard to talk, to get out what I was trying to say. I wanted to scream out. 'Tell me it's not true!' 'Tell me I'm dreaming!' 'Hold me, don't let go!' 'Promise me you'll never leave me!'
Because that's what I wanted. For him to hold me, love me, never leave me. I needed him and no one else would do.
"I'm sorry, I know it's late…but I….I didn't know where else to go…..I couldn't sleep….I just…I just need you….I …"
And with just the few words I was able to voice, he responded with everything I needed and wanted to hear. "No, I know, its ok. I'm here; I'm always here for you."
And I smiled, it was amazing that in only a few short hours I could forget what it felt like to smile, but he gave that feeling back to me.
I pulled her inside closing and locking the door behind us.
The second I turned around she launched herself at me and I just held her as tight as possible.
If I could have unzipped myself and pulled her inside just to have her closer, I would have. We stood there silently wrapped up in each other for the longest time before I heard her breath hitch and could feel her tears against my skin.
I reached down, picked her up in my arms, carried her to my couch and I sat down with her. And that's where I stayed, with tiny Veronica Mars cradled in my arms as she cried.
I kept my mouth shut, no words would help, I knew that, she just needed to be comforted, loved, reassured. If there was one thing in this world I was capable of, it was that and for the first time I really allowed myself to feel the love I had for her, let her feel it too.
I'd been hiding it for so long, from myself, her, everyone else, knowing how wrong it was. I'd stood back and watched her romance with Duncan in a silent, jealous rage. I hated him because he didn't deserve her. But I couldn't change it, I couldn't have her, so there was no sense in lashing out. But right there in that moment, I could have her; she'd allow me too, even though I knew that she always would have if I had just let myself take the chance. But I couldn't, she was too young and it wasn't fair to her. But this time, this one night, I had an excuse. I didn't have to wait anymore. I didn't have to pretend. I could be what I wanted to be to her, for her.
I could act as a man that loved the woman he was holding.
I spent the next hour like that, with her curled up in my lap, leaning against my bare chest.
I found myself hating Lilly for doing this to her. And fuck, I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I did. I'd never really been a fan of hers. I thought she was a bad influence on Veronica and that she only did things that benefited her, actions that led to hurt feelings on Veronica's part more than once. And then I had an even worse thought, a much more selfish thought. Logan was single now, well had been for a week or two I'd heard, but now there was no Lilly to go back to. Would he finally claim Veronica as his own? No, it couldn't happen. She was mine. Duncan was out of her life, and I had less than two years to go. She wouldn't go to him now, couldn't. I didn't know if I could compete with him. I was better, but did she know that? I couldn't lose her to him, it wouldn't be fair.
I felt my heart pounding and my brain was screaming at me for being so self-centered. I was holding a girl whose best friend had just been murdered and all I could think about was what it meant to me, not her.
After an eternity of not moving I finally felt her stir a little. Her tiny hand moved up my chest, leaving a trail of goose bumps all the way until it rested on my shoulder. I took a deep breath, willing myself to stay focused and not lose myself in the moment.
I was doing fine, succeeding almost until she looked up at me with her tear streaked face. And once again, just like a moment from so long ago, I felt my resolve slipping, but from the look on her face, I was doing better than she was, because hers, for all intents and purposes, was gone.
We wanted each other, it was obvious, had been to both of us for over a year now, but we'd both ignored it, her with Duncan and me being who I was, at the age I was. Was this the night it would all cease to matter?
I shifted, moving so that my back was against the arm and she was still in my lap leaning against the back of the couch. I moved my arm around her, tracing the curve of her spine through her thin cotton shirt and brought my other hand to her face, wiping the tears away with my thumb. I felt her shudder and my body responded the same way. She moved into my touch, I felt her lips on my palm for a brief second and I inwardly groaned. My body began to react and I willed myself to behave, to not take her right then and there.
But my body was beginning to win over my mind and I moved closer to her, my lips connecting with her forehead first, then trailing downward. I kissed away the tears in my trek down her beautiful face. I reached her jaw and continued leaving soft sensual kisses all along every inch of skin she would allow. Her body arched towards mine and as she clung to me, my grip on her increased. My lips found her slender neck and she moaned. I couldn't control my reaction and I gave in, gasping as I moved to her pulse point. Both of her arms were around me then and I couldn't stop my arousal. I could feel it between us and I knew she could too.
It was the way she moved, the way she breathed. She wanted me, she wanted me to continue. So I did.
I removed my mouth from her soft kissable skin and pulled away so I could see her completely. I looked into her eyes, so filled with sadness only moments ago, but now, they were filled with unadulterated lust and adoration, begging me to make her mine. To claim her as I'd always wanted to.
And I gave in. I gave in to years of wanting and never having. I gave in to the love I felt for her. I gave in to everything she was, ever had been and ever would be.
I kissed her, after the death of her best friend and before her own, hopefully long before her own.
My lips met hers and she gasped against them. I used the advantage to deepen the kiss, my tongue gaining access and as I crushed her to me desperately, she did the same. It was slow and emotional and beyond anything I'd ever imagined.
I felt her move in my lap, her legs on either side of mine, straddling me. I was still so lost in the moment, lost in her, my body had taken over completely. We stayed connected for the longest time barely breaking for air, our bodies almost one.
I throbbed against the restraint of my sweats and she arched into me again. I wanted out; I wanted to be in her, to feel her, to make love to her, to finally have my Veronica Mars.
It wasn't until I felt myself press against her at a near perfect angle that my mind suddenly restarted and I began thinking clearly. I tried to push it away, to continue, but my thoughts wouldn't leave. They kept yelling at me. 'She's 16!" "She's grieving!" "She doesn't know what she wants right now!" "You can't take this from her like this!" "She will regret it!" "You will regret it!"
The last one was the only one I didn't agree with, I wouldn't, never could I ever regret having her. But she could and maybe she would. I didn't know, there was no way of knowing and I couldn't risk her hating me for this someday.
So I pulled away.
She looked surprised for a second and when she leaned back in, I held her in place; her body still over mine, our arms still encircling each other, but our lips inches apart.
When I didn't let her claim my lips again the surprise turned to confusion and then slowly towards embarrassment.
I could see the gears in her head turning. God I want to kiss her again so badly, I wanted to continue what we had started, but I held back.
I was staring at her face, her skin flushed with arousal, the beginnings of pleasure that I knew she'd never experienced before when her voice pulled me from my trance. "Did I do something wrong?"
I let out a soft chuckle, fuck, could she be anymore adorable? But I cringed when I saw the hurt in her eyes and I brought my hand back to her face and caressed her cheek. "Oh god, no. No Veronica, you did nothing wrong."
My words and my touch seemed to calm her but the confusion was still there. "But why?"
I moved bringing my forehead against hers and stayed there for a second or two before breaking away. "We can't do this Veronica. It's not right. You're too young and you aren't ready for this. I know you think you are right now, but later you might regret this."
And then the hurt came back, she turned away from me and tears welled up in her eyes. She spoke so softly and sadly it nearly killed me. "You don't want me."
My heart ached; I'd expected that, I knew she'd think it was her. I didn't want her to, but I knew she would. "Baby, are you kidding? Can't you see how badly I want this, you?" I gestured to my obviously aroused body and she blushed slightly. "I want this, you, so much, I always have. But I refuse to take this from you. Not now and not for these reasons or under these circumstances."
She went to argue with me. "But I..."
I stopped her. "I know, but we can't. I will always be here for you and I promise that someday…someday we will have this, you and me. Just not today."
She looked to me with hope in her eyes. "Really?"
I nodded and pulled her closer again. "Have I ever broken a promise to you?" She shook her head and I smiled. "Then you know I mean it. I promised you once that I'd kiss you and I did, didn't I?" She smiled and nodded and I continued. "And I promise you now that this won't be the last time I kiss you."
She closed her eyes and breathed. "Ok."
I kissed her sweet lips one last time, memorizing the feel of them and then I kissed her forehead again as I held her close. I stroked her back as we sat there and eventually felt her breathing steady.
I shifted again to lie down on the couch, her body draped over mine and I ran my fingers through her hair. "I love you, Veronica Mars."
I'd thought she was asleep so I was surprised when I heard her soft reply. "You too, deputy."
My heart swelled, if I'd known she was still awake I wouldn't have said it, but I was glad I had. She needed to hear it and so did I.
As I held the sleeping 16 year old Veronica Mars in my arms for the next few hours I promised myself that I wouldn't screw it up. That I'd make sure that even if everything else changed for her she would still have me. And when Keith showed up at noon the next day to retrieve his daughter I watched her leave, our eyes doing all the talking, telling each other that she would always have me and I would always have her.
Promising that it would never change.
But the problem with never? Is that never, is a near impossible promise to keep.
I year, 10 months, 11 days, 12 hours, 16 minutes and 32 seconds to go.
Chapter three http://community.livejournal.com/veronica_lamb/53632.html-
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