Welcome to my livejournal
From the time I was fourteen, to when I was sixteen, I kept a pretty complete journal of my life in one of those cute little notebook's that you'd expect a teenage girl to have. Now I'm 21, and I'm damn lazy, so I need virtual paper. Who's going to read this anyway? I just want a place to vent and something to come back to in a few years and go "wow, did I REALLY do those things and think that way?". Anyway, I'm tired. And hungover. yeah, not very coherent. Typical Friday noontime. Sometimes I think that I drink too much, but hey, I'm in college, and here at conn, thursday nights are for partying. I read this brochure in the health center last semester about alcoholism, and as long as I'm not dependent on booze, I'm pretty much OK. I've definitely killed some brain cells over my four years here, but I've had a lot of fun and gained a lot of life experience doing it, right?:-P
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...tonight is the hundred days party. ONE HUNDRED DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION. Madre de Dios, am I that old? I definitely don't feel that mature, but I guess I WILL be 22 in two months. I don't want to talk about that now though...going out into the world and job searching is stressing me out. That discussion is for another day. Hmmmm....I guess I'll only be able to meet guys my age at this party, right? SWEET. Maybe I'll finally win that bet with Aim and Emma (they say I won't hook up with anyone 21 or over from Conn) and get free dinner. Mmmmmm....chinese food. General Tso's, how I love you. You are so evil though, and will make me fat.
OK, this health kick thing SUCKS. I've been pretty good about going to the gym and eating healthy, and it's showing in my body and in my energy level, but food isn't fun anymore, and that's a problem. What is it with me, that I can't ever find a happy medium in the way I eat? I probably need therapy for that. No time for therapy though!! Too busy...homework, rehearsals, friends, boys, job searches.....
I miss my sister. I hate the way our relationship is right now. I just don't know what went wrong. It seemed like we were getting along so well up until this past break. I guess she doesn't think so. I just wish I could make her believe that I really DO love her and care about how she feels and what she says. I admot that I've been an unstable wreck lately, but I need her to understand, and I feel like she won't. I just felt SO attacked and hated by her. I miss her though. Damn, I can't start crying. I'm working in the library.
I can't tell if my personal life is great, or just really fucked up. Let me clarify. I miss Alexis a lot, and think about him all the time. However, I don't dote on him enough to not want to hook up with other people. I don't THINK this means that I love him any less. I just think that I'm being realistic. I really do love him, but we are so far away. I sent him a Valentine's day package...I hope he likes it. I didn't know how cheesy to get, considering this is the first time I've had a Valentine, even if he is 3000 miles away. I hope I get something too...it would save this holiday for me. Even though I've tried to celebrate my friends on Valentine's, the day has been tainted ever since Ben broke up with me on February 12th, 2001. Yeah, I'm not obsessive about that date or anything, huh? I think he really scarred me.
You know what though? I think I've gotten past the point of hooking up with people for affirmation, just because I'm attracted to them and they want me too. Exhibit A: I turned down Avery last night! He's so damn hot, but he just does NOT know how to treat girls! There's something seriously fucked up about him, I think. Sometimes he doesn't seem to make coherent sense (not just when he's drunk or high), and he acts irrationally. I did like him for a while, but ever since he didn't remember sleeping with me on his Birthday last November, he kind of disgusts me. I mean, what the fuck?? Last night, I walked into his room wearing this cool new fedora-like hat, and a tube top, and immediately he gravitated towards me. He's soooooo weird that way. Sometime's he'll seem to barely notice my presence, and sometime's he's all over me. I am NOT so desperate or horny that I'll hook up with again though. Ewww...until he treats me better, I'm done with him.
What was very awesome though last night was jamming in the barn with incredibly talented musicians. I was drunk and just singing my heart out, and all of a sudden I had this great moment when I looked around me, and noticed how cool and hot and talented all the guys I was playing with were. They are all so into their music too. In that wonderful moment, I was surrounded by not only great talent, but all my favorite boys herem (tee, hee, I had to mention that part...it's ME). Honestly, I have a crush on all of them. It was the music that counted, but it sure didn't hurt to be around them...the only girl too! Ben was on drums (he's so beautiful...kind of appears like the stereotypical musician/stoner, but I know there's more to him than that), Avery was on guitar (we've already spoken of him), Henry was on acoustic guitar (love him, so sweet and cute in that that little boy who has just come of age way, though I'm sure he's more mature in reality...he just seems that way to me...ahh...can't imagine him having sex...), and Aubrey was on bass and switched to drums too. Aubrey is amazing. This is going to be one of those "I knew him way back when..." situations. He's kind of hard to connect with, but I really want to get to know him better. Not even in a sexual way (well, jury's still out on that one:-P), but he's so interesting to me.
OK, are we even going to get into the situation with John? Hmmm, maybe better not to do that today. this entry is already so long! I like kissing him, but I just don't want to hurt him. Damn, I need to stop with the freshmen and go hunting for seniors...maybe tonight will help? We'll see.
OOH! Tonight is also the Valentine's all-group a cappella concert. Should be rockin'! We're singing total eclipse of the heart and all I want for Christmas is you (the Valentine's day version!).
OK, all for now. Whew!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...tonight is the hundred days party. ONE HUNDRED DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION. Madre de Dios, am I that old? I definitely don't feel that mature, but I guess I WILL be 22 in two months. I don't want to talk about that now though...going out into the world and job searching is stressing me out. That discussion is for another day. Hmmmm....I guess I'll only be able to meet guys my age at this party, right? SWEET. Maybe I'll finally win that bet with Aim and Emma (they say I won't hook up with anyone 21 or over from Conn) and get free dinner. Mmmmmm....chinese food. General Tso's, how I love you. You are so evil though, and will make me fat.
OK, this health kick thing SUCKS. I've been pretty good about going to the gym and eating healthy, and it's showing in my body and in my energy level, but food isn't fun anymore, and that's a problem. What is it with me, that I can't ever find a happy medium in the way I eat? I probably need therapy for that. No time for therapy though!! Too busy...homework, rehearsals, friends, boys, job searches.....
I miss my sister. I hate the way our relationship is right now. I just don't know what went wrong. It seemed like we were getting along so well up until this past break. I guess she doesn't think so. I just wish I could make her believe that I really DO love her and care about how she feels and what she says. I admot that I've been an unstable wreck lately, but I need her to understand, and I feel like she won't. I just felt SO attacked and hated by her. I miss her though. Damn, I can't start crying. I'm working in the library.
I can't tell if my personal life is great, or just really fucked up. Let me clarify. I miss Alexis a lot, and think about him all the time. However, I don't dote on him enough to not want to hook up with other people. I don't THINK this means that I love him any less. I just think that I'm being realistic. I really do love him, but we are so far away. I sent him a Valentine's day package...I hope he likes it. I didn't know how cheesy to get, considering this is the first time I've had a Valentine, even if he is 3000 miles away. I hope I get something too...it would save this holiday for me. Even though I've tried to celebrate my friends on Valentine's, the day has been tainted ever since Ben broke up with me on February 12th, 2001. Yeah, I'm not obsessive about that date or anything, huh? I think he really scarred me.
You know what though? I think I've gotten past the point of hooking up with people for affirmation, just because I'm attracted to them and they want me too. Exhibit A: I turned down Avery last night! He's so damn hot, but he just does NOT know how to treat girls! There's something seriously fucked up about him, I think. Sometimes he doesn't seem to make coherent sense (not just when he's drunk or high), and he acts irrationally. I did like him for a while, but ever since he didn't remember sleeping with me on his Birthday last November, he kind of disgusts me. I mean, what the fuck?? Last night, I walked into his room wearing this cool new fedora-like hat, and a tube top, and immediately he gravitated towards me. He's soooooo weird that way. Sometime's he'll seem to barely notice my presence, and sometime's he's all over me. I am NOT so desperate or horny that I'll hook up with again though. Ewww...until he treats me better, I'm done with him.
What was very awesome though last night was jamming in the barn with incredibly talented musicians. I was drunk and just singing my heart out, and all of a sudden I had this great moment when I looked around me, and noticed how cool and hot and talented all the guys I was playing with were. They are all so into their music too. In that wonderful moment, I was surrounded by not only great talent, but all my favorite boys herem (tee, hee, I had to mention that part...it's ME). Honestly, I have a crush on all of them. It was the music that counted, but it sure didn't hurt to be around them...the only girl too! Ben was on drums (he's so beautiful...kind of appears like the stereotypical musician/stoner, but I know there's more to him than that), Avery was on guitar (we've already spoken of him), Henry was on acoustic guitar (love him, so sweet and cute in that that little boy who has just come of age way, though I'm sure he's more mature in reality...he just seems that way to me...ahh...can't imagine him having sex...), and Aubrey was on bass and switched to drums too. Aubrey is amazing. This is going to be one of those "I knew him way back when..." situations. He's kind of hard to connect with, but I really want to get to know him better. Not even in a sexual way (well, jury's still out on that one:-P), but he's so interesting to me.
OK, are we even going to get into the situation with John? Hmmm, maybe better not to do that today. this entry is already so long! I like kissing him, but I just don't want to hurt him. Damn, I need to stop with the freshmen and go hunting for seniors...maybe tonight will help? We'll see.
OOH! Tonight is also the Valentine's all-group a cappella concert. Should be rockin'! We're singing total eclipse of the heart and all I want for Christmas is you (the Valentine's day version!).
OK, all for now. Whew!