well goddamn.
so heads up, guys, because I've finally fucking realized that no matter what I do, it will inevitably be wrong.
because i make a comment, and it's wrong. i link an article, and it's stupid. i try to defend my fucking points because they are fucking provoked, and i am wrong.
i want to help other people feel better. I keep hanging around the life issues forum on gaia, which most people think is so retarded that they wait until they're just about bursting to post their problems there -- it's pretty serious, at times. But I... I post something, even anywhere else, it's like... I'm either entirely ignored or entirely wrong just fucking wrong there's no gray areas about it.
and i'm such a coward
i get attacked or insulted or anything i fucking shrink up and freak out and i want to kill them and kill me and cry and die all at once.
I have these ideas for what I'll do next time someone says somethign simliar, and when they finally do i just go back to my flight response.
All I've thought about for the last month is that I want to fucking die, I want to fucking die, I want to fucking die. It was worst the first week. But even since then, after the intensity died down a little, I still can't even let myself go upstairs, I'm afraid I'll somehow just kill myself, somehow, I don't even know.
I just, I don't see the point anymore, and I'm so fucking stressed out... I mean...
dance recital and everything is coming up... half the shit I'm having a hell of a lot of trouble breathing through; i just got done with two essays and a biology project (the foreign language essay I didn't do and the biology project fucking fell apart as I was trying to present it) and now i have another project to do and my final engilsh essay is coming up in like a week and a half; drama makes me feel the worst because i have to direct a play -- I can't take responsibility for anything, I hate having power, and I feel like I disappointed my actors because a lot of them are kind of small parts but that's all they're doing and there's two of the best actors in the school in my play and I don't really know either of them and the one doesn't know me and he keeps looking at me like i'm inferior scum and i just know i just know I'm going to do a horrible job as a director; we're doing all thsi stuff in math that is so easy, everyone gets it, but i can't make heads or tails of it and no matter how many times i go through it i get the wrong answer; i haven't seen my counselor in three weeks; my friends are constantly feeling like shit because their bitch of a chem teacher fails them for the littlest reasons; my anger issues keep getting out of control -- i see these images where i'm killing someone, i'm peeling the skin off their faces or they're broken in half held together by their organs alone or or -- i'm depressed as shit about life and i keep considering suicide; i'm scared to death i'm still getting made fun of and i could never figure out why people do that; and on top of that i have normal school stress, dance stress, parental stress, and teen angst
and i can't believe i just listed everything because i felt i needed to prove that i was stressed as hell, i imagine a simple 'i am stressed like hell' would suffice
in conclusion, i just want to be fucking dead. because being me isn't ok.
because i make a comment, and it's wrong. i link an article, and it's stupid. i try to defend my fucking points because they are fucking provoked, and i am wrong.
i want to help other people feel better. I keep hanging around the life issues forum on gaia, which most people think is so retarded that they wait until they're just about bursting to post their problems there -- it's pretty serious, at times. But I... I post something, even anywhere else, it's like... I'm either entirely ignored or entirely wrong just fucking wrong there's no gray areas about it.
and i'm such a coward
i get attacked or insulted or anything i fucking shrink up and freak out and i want to kill them and kill me and cry and die all at once.
I have these ideas for what I'll do next time someone says somethign simliar, and when they finally do i just go back to my flight response.
All I've thought about for the last month is that I want to fucking die, I want to fucking die, I want to fucking die. It was worst the first week. But even since then, after the intensity died down a little, I still can't even let myself go upstairs, I'm afraid I'll somehow just kill myself, somehow, I don't even know.
I just, I don't see the point anymore, and I'm so fucking stressed out... I mean...
dance recital and everything is coming up... half the shit I'm having a hell of a lot of trouble breathing through; i just got done with two essays and a biology project (the foreign language essay I didn't do and the biology project fucking fell apart as I was trying to present it) and now i have another project to do and my final engilsh essay is coming up in like a week and a half; drama makes me feel the worst because i have to direct a play -- I can't take responsibility for anything, I hate having power, and I feel like I disappointed my actors because a lot of them are kind of small parts but that's all they're doing and there's two of the best actors in the school in my play and I don't really know either of them and the one doesn't know me and he keeps looking at me like i'm inferior scum and i just know i just know I'm going to do a horrible job as a director; we're doing all thsi stuff in math that is so easy, everyone gets it, but i can't make heads or tails of it and no matter how many times i go through it i get the wrong answer; i haven't seen my counselor in three weeks; my friends are constantly feeling like shit because their bitch of a chem teacher fails them for the littlest reasons; my anger issues keep getting out of control -- i see these images where i'm killing someone, i'm peeling the skin off their faces or they're broken in half held together by their organs alone or or -- i'm depressed as shit about life and i keep considering suicide; i'm scared to death i'm still getting made fun of and i could never figure out why people do that; and on top of that i have normal school stress, dance stress, parental stress, and teen angst
and i can't believe i just listed everything because i felt i needed to prove that i was stressed as hell, i imagine a simple 'i am stressed like hell' would suffice
in conclusion, i just want to be fucking dead. because being me isn't ok.